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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help My teen dd has not been invited to a party

18 replies

gremlins2014 · 30/05/2014 14:31

My dd is 14 and quite a happy and popular girl. However, one of the girls in her class is having a party and all of my DD's friends have been invited except her :( She is hurting and feeling confused and upset. She is uncharacteristically angry and taking it out on all of us at home. Help !! How should I be dealing with this? I advised her to steer clear of the girl in question in future, but she wails that all her friends are this girl's friend to too…..what's the best way to get her to understand that this is a life lesson….and she needs to take it on her chin and move on….

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CeliaFate · 30/05/2014 14:44

Does she have any idea why, or could she asked a trusted friend who's been invited to ask why your dd hasn't been invited?
I'd arrange something nice for her to do that day and reassure her that it may be logistics. If it's not and it's just malice, then that just reflects badly on the girl whose party it is, not dd.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2014 14:58

I think you're right. It's not like when she's in primary school, it's just unfortunately one of those things she'll have to deal with.

I think you can and should be sympathetic and say how rotten that they've left her out, but it's not okay for her to take her moods out on you/the rest of the family.

She's 14 so it will seem like the biggest deal in the world. Nothing you can do to make it better (maybe offer the option of a girly night in with a film on the night? Does she have friends not from school she could invite over?)

It's one of those things that tend to happen around this age where they find out who their real friends are.

CeliaFate · 30/05/2014 15:11

"she needs to take it on her chin and move on…." I wouldn't feel like that though if one of my friends left me out and invited all our other friends to their party.
I'd be hurt and upset.
Your dd probably feels upset and humiliated - try empathy to see if that helps her to come to terms with it. Say stuff like, "I understand why you're hurt, it's harsh to leave you out, you're right to be annoyed." Generally people calm down if you agree with them, otherwise they can lash out at you.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2014 15:19

I agree that she definitely has reason to feel very hurt, upset and pushed out and it's not a nice thing that they've done. Sympathy, yes, but you can't go in and demand they invite her so there's nothing really practical to be done if that makes sense?

Original poster
gremlins2014 · 30/05/2014 15:20

Thanks guys yes I agree that I would be hurt too…in fact I feel her pain..but don't won't to fan the fire….I know a lot of them feel isolated and feel they are inadequate ….I do empathise. I have arranged for her to do other things. She has tried asking some of the close friends what the matter is….but not too pressingly as she is afraid of sounding needy… hopefully it will sort itself out when she goes back to school next week. Really appreciate your input. xx

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TheWanderingUterus · 30/05/2014 15:29

I'd organise something fab for the day of the party.

But then I went to an all girls school and things like this sum up my teenage years.

My mother got very good at giving me something to talk about when everyone was talking about the party I had missed.

Original poster
gremlins2014 · 30/05/2014 21:24

Great Idea…..thats what I meant when I said you take it on the chin…what breaks my heart is that although she is being brave and harnessing aggression to deal with it .. I know she is hurting.

She is going for the One Direction concert next week so thats deffo something to look forward to..thanks once again guys for your input. xx

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chocoluvva · 30/05/2014 22:29

Perhaps you could tell her that lots of teenagers of her age go through a phase where they behave badly and that they will probably feel bad about their behaviour when they're a little bit older. That way you can acknowledge her feelings without stoking up the drama.

Your poor DD. Being a teen is so hard sometimes...

Original poster
gremlins2014 · 30/05/2014 22:46

It is indeed. I think it is harder for this generation than it was for us ….what with the media and internet and what have you thanks choco x

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chocoluvva · 30/05/2014 23:05

Yes. All the photos of 'us having a brilliant, hilarious time'.

The girl who left her out will not be a happy girl deep down. She has some insecurity. Hopefully she'll be nicer when she's a bit older.

I don't think my DD went in for bitchiness or excluding people but I've still been surprised at how she's had phases of being more or less friendly with people all through secondary school. Even in her final year of school the dynamics have changed. Boyfriends come and go adding to the mix, classes change, they develop new interests in music, lifestyles and appearance etc. Opportunities to mix with different people increase as they get just a little bit older too - psrt time jobs, meeting people through hobbies etc. It'll all even itself out in time. (so tiresome though)

Original poster
gremlins2014 · 30/05/2014 23:55

you bet re tiresome ….it is wearing me down already :(

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whatchutalkinboutwillis · 31/05/2014 00:06

This happens to my DD a lot :( kids in her year are going out to parties almost every weekend, pretty much every night this half term, and she's never been invited. Most of her friends are really lovely boys though so usually when there's a party on they all get together and have a sleepover or watch movies etc. Has she got any other friends who go to other schools she could have a sleepover or night in with?

chocoluvva · 31/05/2014 12:41

IME 14-15 is the most difficult age.

BertieBotts · 31/05/2014 12:45

I hated the school friendship politics at this age too. If you can it's helpful to encourage her to make some friends outside of school, can she join a club/activity etc? My drama group friends were my saving grace throughout all of the school drama, we all supported each other through school bitchiness at one point or another. I remember there was one boy in our friendship group and he was constantly amazed by it Grin

TheWanderingUterus · 31/05/2014 14:26

Also, to add to my previous post, I found there were three or four other girls who were also regularly left out in other classes.

After a while we became a tight little group of our own and because we all knew what it felt like to be left out, we had very kind and mature friendships, really supportive and encouraging.

We got to indulge in all the behaviours that were considered uncool by our peers (studying, not having a boyfriend and not bitching about others mostly, but there was a LOT of lighthearted silliness and not taking ourselves too seriously). They made the last two years of school really pleasant.

Original poster
gremlins2014 · 31/05/2014 17:27

Yes I am trying to get her more involved with friends outside of school….she is confiding in some of them which is good - at least she has an outlet. Also she is in an all girls school…but her previous school was co-ed so she has re-connected with some boys which is healthy for her as she hardly interacts with any males outside of the family. But I must say …she is much better today than a couple of days ago :)

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JohnnyBarthes · 31/05/2014 19:21

I can imagine saying to my own teen that some people are wankers (using those exact words) which probably isn't at all helpful Blush

Glad to hear things are looking up :)

Original poster
gremlins2014 · 31/05/2014 20:16

Thanks Johnny …..I thought it and I am sure she read my mind lol

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