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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old is a horrible girl

19 replies

gonemad43 · 19/03/2014 16:13

I can only hope that there are loads of moms out there in my shoes, my daughter is almost 14 and thinks its fun to wind me up deliberately and then walks off smirking!!!! she constantly has to have the last word rolls her eyes, swears and slams doors, oh my days my vocal cords seem to get louder the more she winds me up!! iv tried walking away but she texts me, I take away her phone and ground her, she gets put on report for several things and wont do her homework. I'm at my wits end, I have been offered a place at university in October, god if they saw me for real they would run. I love her to bits but hate her sometimes is this normal? please tell me I am not alone. Also she was statemented in year 6 with slow progression of learning and dyspraxia is this linked to terrible behaviour or just a typical teenager, what makes it worse is none of my friends seem to suffer with there teenage daughters :(

OP posts:
KidsDontThinkImCool · 19/03/2014 18:39

Hey gonemade YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE!

Have you seen the support thread for parents of teenage girls? Come join us. xxx

littlegreenlight1 · 19/03/2014 20:54

It's really ok to feel this way.
My dd is 16 and Im still learning this. Embrace the good times, grit your teeth through the rough and pray that it will all be ok in the end - she will make the right decisions.
I dont believe anyone that has a teen girl and doesnt have difficulties! My dd has a best mate who is wonderful in my house, has babysat my little one (8) and is helpful and polite. When her mother (a good mate of mine) is here, she is vile. Argh!

ouryve · 19/03/2014 21:02

Your frustration is understandable. Being in constant combat mode is horribly stressful.

It sounds like she probably finds school a daunting place to be, though. Do you think she is adequately supported? It is highly possible that a lot of of her negative behaviours do stem from her additional needs and that those negative behaviours have become entrenched, as she doesn't know what else to do.

Is it easy to spot when she's obviously trying to get a rise out of you? It would be worth experimenting with changing your response. And with being selectively unobservant so that you can bring your own stress levels down a little.

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 21:53

My sympathies too.

I probably wouldn't ground her, but I would call her on her swearing and slamming doors. And take a slightly different tack with her ie, withhold lifts, buying food that she particularly likes, doing any favours for her when she's being horrible. Don't make a song and dance, but just tell her calmly and slightly sadly next time she's horrible then asks for something that you don't feel like being kind to her at the moment as her recent behaviour is unpleasant. This gives you back some control, while avoiding battling/drama - the message you're giving her is that people don't feel kindly disposed to her if she treats them badly.

This has sort of worked with my slightly older two. Well, they're very stubborn, but we've managed to avoid having them swearing or slamming doors. (so far)

Get her to take a good quality supplement for women of child-bearing age so that she doesn't have PMT.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 19/03/2014 22:27

any supplements you could recommend choco? PMT is definitely at least part of the problem with mine. (Her dad winding her up telling her what a bad mum I am doesn't help either but I don't think there's a supplement for that!)

chocoluvva · 19/03/2014 22:49

Angry and Shock at her dad!

I've given DD (17.5) 'True Food Wise Woman' made by Higher Nature for the past few years. Solgar are good too. Viridian and pukka probably
do ones too.

B vits, magnesium, essential fatty acids and chromium are thought to be particularly helpful.

Original poster
gonemad43 · 20/03/2014 08:35

thank you all for responding and definitely taking your comments on board, funny enough she loves school which is strange although she cant sit still and iv spoken to the sen about it and he said she needs to ask for support if she needs it which I do not think she does. I am going to get in touch with the parent partnership today as the psychologist is up to her neck in referral's. I will try the supplements and perhaps not ground her just take away her goodies :) thank you all and will defiantly use this site again as this was my first visit after it was suggested by a very good friend. If I don't stop yelling im going to have a heart attack, walk away and stay calm walk away and stay calm walk away and stay calm xxxx

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Original poster
gonemad43 · 20/03/2014 08:40

I think you are definitely right ouryve and that is why she tries to get a reaction from me, she just tells her dad to shut up if he speaks to her which is not nice :( going to make some phone calls today to see what can be done for her to help her xx

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KidsDontThinkImCool · 20/03/2014 12:58

Good luck gonemad

OhSoVintage · 20/03/2014 14:01

My dd is 14 and also Dyspraxic.
I think dyspraxia can effect your moods from what I've read. I know my dd is quite volatile and her temper tantrums can be likened to that of a toddler! I think sometimes this is caused by just general frustration as senior school can be a difficult place when you have coordination problems and I think a lot of that comes out at home. Mixed with hormones I don't think they know how to handle it.

I find with my dd when she is in a terrible mood there is 'usually' an underlying reason. I find just taking my time to talk to dd on her level about her day and whats going on in her life helps as we can work through issues together rather than allowing them to boil up.

When she gets in her moods and behaves like a toddler I tend to treat her like one. I don't get emotionally involved in the argument and just ignore comments that fly around at me, sticking my ground and getting on with what needs to be done. Ignore bad behaviour as she's looking for a reaction and reward the good by giving her my time and attention.

Im not saying ignore swear words etc but while she is in the heat of the moment and looking for a reaction theres no point feeding it. Just leave her until she is calm even if thats the next day and then deal with it.
Simple but it tends to work quite well most of the time and saves your vocal cords and energy!

singaporefling · 20/03/2014 14:36

It DOES get better!!! Eventually... It IS infuriationg/frustrating in EVERY way.. It may not help, but a lot of her behaviour is truly beyond her control because of hormones/immaturity (my DD20 kept trying to tell me this at 16/17 and whilst she/I were yelling at/loathing one another - all she wanted was a cuddle. Very hard to climb down from indignance to soothing I know but it can be done!)... And YES bit by bit it DOES change/improve and they become more considerate/thoughtful/calmer.... It's NOT forever!! X

singaporefling · 20/03/2014 14:38

As ohsovintage said... Your DD's behaviour might not change for a while and you have no control over it as such, but you can (try) control YOUR reactions and not react/feed her moods/sarcasm/rages...

DrewsWife · 20/03/2014 14:43

Mine is nearly 18 and I had to ask her to leave last week. Things got to a head. You are not on your own.

I used to get inventive with my punishments. To keep dd on her toes and me sane. Once when slamming doors in a rage I took a screw driver and removed the screws. She had to earn her door back.

Another time I served her dinner on paper plates as she wouldn't bring dirty ones down from her room.

Smile. And look her in the eye. Don't back down xx.

Original poster
gonemad43 · 21/03/2014 09:53

aww thanks guys means an awful lot to hear some good comments :) drewswife sorry I did titter at the screws however my daughters screws are so loose one of these days her day will fall on her! singaporefling sorry to hear your news about your dd such as shame when it comes to a head, I will definitely take comments on board and stop the yelling cause its really getting me down and my son,hubby are suffering :( will try the cuddle although it will be extremely hard xxxx

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Original poster
gonemad43 · 21/03/2014 09:53

door xx

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singaporefling · 24/03/2014 23:21

Hope things improve gonemad.... Wasnt ME who asked her DD to leave - was drewsWife - let's hope THAT was only temporary - it can ALL be very very trying and dispiriting for us/DD but as i've said it DOES (usually!!) get better... Somehow used to get to the cuddle bit after a few moments silence and I MADE myself open my arms and DD would just respond positively and we'd get over it - didn't always 'work' but sometimes it did!

RareDayCasting · 25/03/2014 17:28

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MexicanSpringtime · 28/03/2014 04:21

Just in case it helps, my daughter was impossible from 12-13, but one contributing factor was major hormonal imbalances, with PMT and period pains. She got so bad she had a bad headache for a week that the GP was useless to treat so I took her to an acupuncturist who put the headaches down to her hormones and after the first treatment she was much better. She told me afterwards that half the time she hadn't meant to be so awful, but said and did things almost outside her control.

Original poster
gonemad43 · 29/03/2014 17:53

thank you Mexican springtime it helps immensely xxxx

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