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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17.5 yr old daughter knows it all and making huge mistakes!!

25 replies

knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 17:49

My husband and I have tried our best to be great parents and our daughter has just seemed to go from one bad thing to another. I know this sounds so negative but I am exhausted and struggling to be honest.
She has now moved out of the family home under the influence of a control freak and abusive boyfriend. Now in the last weeks of her A levels with acceptances to universities in hand he has managed to talk her in to quitting school and getting a flat etc
We are gutted and just want to crack up but know it is in out best interests to keep communications open....
She calls when she wants something and generally is as horrible as usual to us shouting and telling us we know nothing...
I literally feel paralized as I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 23/02/2014 17:53

What a horrible situation.

Are they actually in this flat yet? How is he proposing to fund it?

ToughSpuds · 23/02/2014 17:57

Sounds like a hard situation but I would stop telling her what to do OP. My mother tried to tell me what to do - I thought I knew best and made a few mistakes a long the way. When I was left to get on with it I learned the hard way. (But I'm happy now and me & my mum have a fantastic relationship). I was 17 too.

AnyFuckerHQ · 23/02/2014 17:59

What to do ?

Do nothing

Get on with your own life but stay in contact. Don't help her out financially or physically. Let her make her own mistakes but do not enable them.

Make sure, however, that she knows that if she wants to come back, she will be welcomed.

She will either make her own way and always was going to, or she will realise her mistake and come back to her family

There is nothing more to be done. I am sorry.

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:01

He just wants to control her so I guess she hasn't thought about the financial side ......
she has been gone for three weeks already staying with another girl so she can be free to do as she pleases.
This boy has his claws into her before and she left him with help from womans aid and a court order but she is now back with him and it all scare the life out of me

OP posts:
ToughSpuds · 23/02/2014 18:02

If your DD does something to upset you come onto MN to have a good rant and a bit of hand holding as i'm sure others will be going through similar situations.

ToughSpuds · 23/02/2014 18:03

Have you told her how you feel in a calm manner? Like a heart to heart about what you're scared about?

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:04

@ anyfuckerhq........
I actually have done this so I thank you for reinforcing my decision....... I tend to second guess what I do as my daughter is an expert at trying to make me feel guilty!
I have told her .... we are here and you can come anytime you want!

OP posts:
Funnyfoot · 23/02/2014 18:06

Tell your daughter that you will support her emotionally and you will be there if she needs you. Then leave her to it.
The more you tell her she is making a mistake the faster she will run in that direction.
She needs to make her own way in life. Its shit but true.
I am dreading the teenag I know everything years and I have twin daughters who I pray stay aged 6 forever!

Olivegirl · 23/02/2014 18:06

I'm so sorry... have dds the same age

This is so hard but all you can do is quietly and calmly talk with her about her options and how she may regret her decision of not going to uni.

I find if I need to talk to mine I get them to go shopping with me ..then suggest we go for coffee ..then carefully bring things I want to find out discuss into the conversation.

It's hard to watch ..but they are young adults.
Try being friendly towards her boyfriend as much as I can imagine you dislike him

Maybe then you could talk to him too

Sorry not very helpful ..I'm trying to imagine what I would do
I can imagine your feeling and I would be the same

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:07

@ toughspuds
we don't try to tell her what to do this is her boyfriends role sadly....
we only encouraged her to follow HER dreams not ours and he now seems to have blocked all her free will and poison her against her family.
he is an abuser and that is what they do .....cut a girl off from her family and friends hit and scream at her and she is still there .....it id frightening

OP posts:
ToughSpuds · 23/02/2014 18:09

Sad She might leave him eventually OP, I am sorry your in this situation though as it must be hard (My DD is 3 and I'm dreading the teenage years)

AnyFuckerHQ · 23/02/2014 18:10

It is very difficult, and the guilt trips are enormous but you also have to protect yourself.

Very scary about the controlling boyfriend and previous Women's Aid involvement. At the moment though, he is all of her world and she will see their story as a romantic and tragic one (unfortunately reinforced by your disapproval...). At this age, though, she is going to mature very rapidly indeed (my own dd is 18.5 and it is incredible how much she has changed in the last year)

Keep talking, and be sure she knows that if she does come back to live with you, there will be no "told you so's" and recriminations and she can turn up at 3am if necessary.

Did WA recommend the Freedom Programme previously at all ? She may not be in the right headspace at the moment, but direct her to it (can be done online) if she discloses any controlling/abusive behaviour from the boyfriend. Seeing stuff in black and white (as well as from your boring old mum) can be an eye opener but it will only work if she is ready to accept it

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:12

@ olivegirl my daughter was a peach at 6.....for some the teenage years are horrendous and others not so much.
Talking to him isn't an option .....he texts me messages that he hopes I die and he offered to slit my throat then denied it ..... he actually does not scare me I am more frightened about what he is capable of doing to my child.

OP posts:
MadIsTheNewNormal · 23/02/2014 18:12

I completely and totally agree with AF on this one. It's very tough I know, but it's not the end of the world yet. She can still go to uni, you just have to hope to God that she doesn't get PG. But there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to control that one either, and the more you try the more it is likely to backfire on you. Just hold your nerve, disengage, don't show her how distressed you are, but plaster on a resigned smile and make sure she knows she can come back whenever she needs to, which she will.

AnyFuckerHQ · 23/02/2014 18:16

OP, please save all those abusive messages you get from him. They may come in handy one day.

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:17

WA now have nothing to do with my daughter as she told them she was just grand...... she prob wont contact them again unless in a bad situation she wants out of ..... she did have a MARAEK (sp?) order of protection but she lifted it ..... the violence and abuse help line says this is common in teenage girls now and sadly they keep going back.... she was a fun loving out going athlete now she has no friends as he does not like any of them!

OP posts:
Olivegirl · 23/02/2014 18:18

Keep all the texts he sends to you ...they sound awful does your dd know how he is talking to you Hmm

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:24

@OG
yes my daughter knows what he sent to me..... I think that is what is soul destroying as she accepts all the horrible lies and crap he is saying.
I am now keeping texts and phone recording of his abusive behaviour for my own protection .....
Getting her to quit school just 8 weeks before she is finished ..... crazy!

OP posts:
cory · 23/02/2014 18:26

quitting school is the least worrying aspect of this; she can always go back and do exams later

try to forget about that part of it altogether and make sure she knows you only care about her safety and happiness

and, as others have said, let her know that she can turn up any time of night or day without feeling embarrassed

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 18:33

@cory
I know its the least worrying aspect truly I do! I think I was trying to get across how much control he has on her life that he can even influence her to drop something so important to her.....
She has been told that we and her home are always here no questions asked

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 23/02/2014 18:36

Are you still in contact with her friends?

Original poster
knowehead66 · 23/02/2014 19:35

@chocoluvva.....
not really as most of her friends don't bother with her now as they don't like her boyfriend I guess its part of his serarate her from the herd ploy....

OP posts:
rightsaidfrederick · 23/02/2014 19:39

I really feel for you - especially with the past involvement with Women's Aid. You must be terrified.

However, on the subject of her education, rest assured that this isn't her one and only chance of going to university scuppered. Plenty of people do go later on in life (be that one year later or 20 years later), and if they don't have recent study at a suitable level, they can do an Access to Higher Education course. It's a one year full time college course that's accepted by all universities and it's designed for people who are returning to education.

All is not lost

gamerchick · 23/02/2014 19:49

its the gift of eternal knowledge.. and there's fuck all you can do about it sadly. They usually get on the beam when the parts of the brain that don't kick in properly until early 20s happen.

You know what to do and it's been said. Watch and wait.. she'll fuck up and learn all on her own and hope that she doesn't drop a sprog in the meantime.

Let her know you'll always be there but she has to find her own way.

I detest the teens.. give me a room full of toddlers anyday.

re the texts.. don't respond.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 25/02/2014 03:04

This thread makes me think of all the times on the Relationships board I have seen someone pour their heart out about how utterly miserable they are, living with a violent, abusive, controlling or unfaithful partner with no means of escape or support.

And they all seem to say the same thing - 'I have absolutely no-one to turn to. No family at all as I'm estranged from them, and hardly any friends.'

It's too easy to assume that when people go NC from their family that the family are the ones at fault. Sadly, sometimes people reap what they sow in their own lives and they see the light only when it's too late. I hope to God this girl sees sense before she ends up with children.

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