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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help! There is a total bitch in my DDs friendship group

21 replies

grannyflo · 12/02/2014 15:10

Whats the best way to deal with a horrendous Queen Bee type girl in DDs friendship group? She is absolutely vile to people, makes up totally unfounded rumours, makes loud and nasty comments in public about others appearance (always something she knows others are sensitive about), stirs up trouble between others by goading people into saying something about someone else on chat or text and then copying and pasting and sending to whoever comment was about. Recently she keeps posting 'indirect' tweets about DD and another girl on Twitter, also posting horrible pictures on Instagram she has taken of them when they weren't aware (eating food, eyes shut etc). DDs friends mother has contacted Queen Bees mother who she knows vaguely but the response was just to laugh it off saying, 'oh well all girls are nasty aren't they, it's just something they need to learn to deal with'.

OP posts:

AngelaDaviesHair · 12/02/2014 15:15

Bit outside my experience (DD is only 2), but here are my thoughts:

It's good another mother is onside. You and she can only really deal with your own daughters: reinforce the need to avoid and ignore Queen Bee, not to get drawn in, never do her dirty work even by accident (i.e. don't spread her rumours even for the purposes of trying to deal with them) and either shrug off QB's remarks or calmly challenge her on why she is being so unkind.

I favour doing the latter, every single time. They don't need to win the argument with QB, just calmly and persistently label her behaviour as unpleasant. I think over time that kind of thing is influential and starts to empower the group to push back at the bully. They and you needn't feel it necessary to include QB in events either.

Pastarasta · 12/02/2014 16:17

I agree with Angela. Either ignore or ask her calmly why she feels the need to be so nasty. The girl is probably very unhappy in herself, or something is very wrong at home, for her to be so spiteful.

felicity1971 · 13/02/2014 09:22

She sounds a nightmare, surely she doesn't have any friends?

Original poster

grannyflo · 13/02/2014 09:37

She's quite manipulative and controlling and a lot of the girls try and stay on her good side as it makes life easier. She will suddenly turn and start to pick on someone for no reason though. From what I can gather overhearing conversations the girls have she is extremely popular with the boys as she is a 'slut' and will 'do anything boys want' (their words, not mine!)

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MothratheMighty · 13/02/2014 09:48

I'd stay out of it unless your daughter feels she is being bullied and then you would need to go through the school.
You should, however, talk to your DD and get her to work out why this girl is part of her friendship group. Although with the comments they are making about her being a slut at 14, they sound bitchy and unsupportive. Perhaps they are all of a certain catty and spiteful type?

TheGreatHunt · 13/02/2014 09:51

I feel sorry for the girl tbh. She must be lacking in self esteem.

You can just teach your daughter to be confident in her choices and to be very careful what she puts online as it is searchable eg by employers and all that.

HaroldLloyd · 13/02/2014 09:53

Maybe they are as bad as each other, calling her a slut is not great either.

They sound like frenemies.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 13/02/2014 09:53

Teach your daughter to be secure enough in herself to completely cut off this horrible person. And teach your daughter to have some respect for other women bu not calling them sluts!

PeterParkerSays · 13/02/2014 09:58

Can you tell your DD to unfollow her on Twitter, and see if the other mother will get her DD to do the same thing? Anything that erodes this girl's influence has to be positive.

Also, could you look at arranging something for your DD when Queen Bee can't come, so the rest of the pool of girls can develop friendships together away from her?

Original poster

grannyflo · 13/02/2014 10:23

Yes she has unfollowed her on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook just this week which in itself caused a massive argument. It wasn't my DD calling her a slut actually but girls in my car talking about QBs behaviour at recent parties. I asked DD about this later and she said that QB targets boys who she knows other girls fancy and gets off with them, seven different boys at the last party. She is very flirty and dresses very provocatively I think for a 15 year old. She is not a close friend of DD but is part of an extended group of girls who hang out together. She does however have a powerful hold over one of DDs closest friends ( a quiet girl lacking self confidence) and I think she is jealous of DD friendship with her which is why she targets her.

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AngelaDaviesHair · 13/02/2014 10:26

Poor QB must have something bad going on to be acting out like that. I stand by my comments above to disengage, but in your shoes I would caution my DD to take no part in any bitching or misogynistic name-calling, and to be aware QB almost certainly has problems of her own.

The girl in my peer group who acted out like that turned out to be being abused.

scherazadey · 13/02/2014 10:27

Hate hearing girls and women called sluts but she's not really helping herself here is she! She sounds like a bully and hopefully the girls will have the confidence to stand up to her and distance themselves as they get older. Good luck!

MrsSquirrel · 13/02/2014 10:30

I would also stay out of it unless you think the girl is bullying your dd. Part of growing up is learning how to be friends.

This girl does not behave like a friend to your dd. Perhaps you could have a chat to her about that.

I would also want to talk about why calling girls and women sluts is sexist rubbish.

bakehouse · 13/02/2014 10:49

OMG her behaviour sounds identical to a girl that my DD16 has suffered since she was at junior school! In our case though the girl has no problems with her family life but apparently suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. The things about controlling others and picking out things she knows people are self conscious about ring so true. Only advice is to steer well clear!

PeterParkerSays · 13/02/2014 12:28

Can you involve your DD more with the friend with low self esteem, so she's less likely to be drawn in by QB?

EdBird · 13/02/2014 19:15

Dont have any sggestions sorry but DD has 'friend' very similar. She leads lots of boys on and for some reason they havent caught on (yet), seems to target boys her friends like. She got off with 8 boys at last big party and i dont mean just kissing, but the next day was spreading rumours about my daughter - I know these are not true as my daughter tells me her own activities in detail - I am very liberal and frankly, I would rather know than not. This girl s parents are big church people and she went day after the party. She will come a cropper one day and frankly, the one girls in my DD's friendship group that I would not help if she were in a mess
Anyway, it is hard to deal with. I tell my DD to be 'nice' bt not to trust her an inch and not to tell her anything personal above the mundane.
Girls omg dont get me started....
Good luck

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/02/2014 20:12

Getting off with eight boys at one party is a serious warning sign, I reckon. It hardly speaks of robust self worth, does it. I just hope it was all consensual at least.

specialsubject · 13/02/2014 22:11

my thoughts too - this girl has no self-esteem and is attention-seeking to cover this up. Perhaps being brought up a mother who says all girls are nasty is a lot to do with it.

She is to be pitied, but there also needs to be damage limitation.

Original poster

grannyflo · 14/02/2014 10:02

So yesterday QB found out somehow that another girl in the group had 'been fingered' and so proceeded to loudly spread this around the school. The other girl was understandably mortified as this had happened in private and was with her boyfriend of a year. Funny thing is that QB has had this same thing done to her by numerous boys at parties and even after school in the park with others present! DD was feeling brave and confronted QB about spreading this around and told her that what others do with their boysfriends was none of her business. QB point blank denied that it was her that had said anything even when three other girls backed DD up saying it was QB who had told them. She is now acting the victim, crying and giving DD and others filthy looks and whispering about them to the boys and to girls in the year above. Also tweeting about it non stop. She really is impossible!!!

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NigellasDealer · 14/02/2014 10:04

tbh she sounds like a victim of abuse

Ubik1 · 14/02/2014 10:08

I think you need to take a step back from all this. So does your daughter. If the tweeting or whatever is starting to look like online bullying then you need to talk to the school, especially as her mother isn't interested.

But otherwise you are waaaay to involved in what this girl is/isn't doing is/isn't wearing and where boys fingers are going.

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