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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year ds on xbox all time, no socialising or school work

20 replies

Julie369000 · 31/10/2013 19:46

I am worried about my ds, age 14, on xbox live and laptop all time, we have tried to limit his time on it, but when he is not on it, he argues with everyone, annoys everyone, including his brother age 12, it seems better for all round when his is on it, he does no school work and gets in trouble at school, any comments appreciated.

OP posts:
Helpyourself · 31/10/2013 19:54

First off, sympathies.
But you have to step up and manage his use. Just as you wouldn't let him eat solely chocolate or stay out all night, you can't let him do nothing but screen time.
Where's the Xbox? I'd start off by ensuring its in a public room and enforce a router off at whatever time.
What sort of trouble is he getting into at school? How have you supported school at home?

Palika · 31/10/2013 19:56

Sorry, Julie, but to give in to him like this just because he would bully everyone if he cannot gets his way is not that best way to deal with it.
You need to put your foot down with app times and then also give him consequences if he is aggressive.

Pagwatch · 31/10/2013 19:59

No.
If he is awful when he is not on it then you need to be more firm rather than give in.
I have had two teenage boys.
They would get 'god you are being vile which just proves how bad for you it is. Congratulations. I am now banning it completely until your behaviour improves.

You are in danger of teaching him 'vile behaviour = getting what you want'

LeBearPolar · 31/10/2013 20:00

I agree with Helpyourself - you can't let him slide into worse and worse habits because it's easier for you.

If he is not capable of managing his use himself, you need to take control of it. What have you done to try to limit his time on it so far? Do you turn the router off at a certain time? and do you have rules about when he can use it (e.g. only after all homework done, only for a certain amount of time per day, etc)?

One solution is to take it away and let him have it back for certain agreed times once he starts meeting certain targets you agree with him related to school and behaviour.

DziezkoDisco · 31/10/2013 20:05

You need to get on it. so he acts like a shit so you reward him with shutting him up with the easy option!

I would make him go cold turkey for a week, if he starts behaving he can play for an hour a day on a timer, no more ever. But only after he has completed his homework. You need to sit down and very clearly give him rules.

Excess playing has been linked with all sorts of mental health and behavioural problems

chocoluvva · 31/10/2013 22:14

I sympathise - it's definitely addictive and it's so easily available. It must be really unhealthy too - all that stress/adrenaline with no physical outlet for it.

Another option would be to limit it to two hours a day. And insist on him getting some exercise most days - even if it's only a longish walk. The more screen time he has the harder it will be for him to do other things and the more physical activities he does the better he'll feel, making it easier for him to turn his attention to other activities.

Perhaps you could offer an incentive for doing something physical if he hates the idea of most things.

How about swimming, joining a gym, scouts, DofE, running, hiring a court to do racket sports with a friend, hiking, walking a dog, doing a paper round, cycling, mountain biking, table-tennis, ski-ing, skate-boarding? Would any of those appeal to him?

bigTillyMint · 31/10/2013 22:18

Totally agree with Pagwatch.

Although DS rarely plays on his, when he does on his own, he can get very arsey when he comes off. It can take up to half an hour and food for him to relax again.

Can you get your DS interested in some sort of sport or physical activity as it is a much better way of releasing all that testosterone!

FernieB · 01/11/2013 08:11

Agree with everyone else here. If he is horrid when he doesn't have it, that shows the effect it's having on him. Set a time limit of say 2 hours a day provided homework is completed first (tell him you will be checking) and stick to this. If he is vile, that's his problem. Tell him he is being vile and that if that behaviour continues the limit will reduce to 1 hour a day. Stick to your guns. It's like getting a toddler to stay in their bed at night - you'll probably have a week or so of difficult behaviour and then he'll adjust. Just grit your teeth and get on with it.

elah11 · 01/11/2013 08:24

Speaking as mum to an almost 15 yr old who loves xbox, sometimes you just have to be tough for their own good. We have, at various times and for various reasons, had complete and partial bans and he has always eventually come round to our way of thinking :). Yes its horrible having them in bad humour etc but you are not just parenting them today you are doing it for the long run too and that means being hard on them sometimes .

gamerchick · 01/11/2013 08:34

I do sympathise... when I've been alone and had a long session on the xbox I feel momentarily irritated when I have to go back to real life. I cop myself on very quickly though.

With my teen.. even though it would be easier to let him bash on.. there's no way that I will. If I ask him to clean his room and he ignores me. I take the machine (just the machine) from the room with no comment. He knows what it means.. ditto homework and anything else. Internet gets switched off at a set time every night regardless... I've been known to do it despite begging to finish this game first.

It was an aggravation at first but as with a toddler you have to be consistent.

Disruption to the household because of not getting own way has sanctions.

I really would advise getting a handle on it now or you may want to kill by 15.

It's really for his own good.

Good luck.

lljkk · 01/11/2013 08:36

I feel replies are somewhat harsh.
DS will be 14 tomorrow (wow! and I haven't tried to kill him yet ).

That said, I do agree with limiting game time, and have to be extremely fair and consistent about it (when does the 12yo or anyone else get a chance to go on the Xbox?). Make sure they get equal time quota.

Mine is not allowed game time that day or next day if he is difficult at school, or difficult about going to school (too often :( ).

mrsravelstein · 01/11/2013 08:40

about 4 weeks ago i removed xbox and wii entirely ds1 (yr 8) was behaving exactly like this, and 5 yo ds2 was also starting to be a nightmare whenever he joined in playing with his big bro. i can honestly say it's been a revelation, feel like i have got two nice children back... ds1's friends have been a bit shocked when they've come round and found out there are no computer games, but instead they've played football in the garden/taken dog out for walk/played with nerf guns/watched TV and it seems to have not made ds1 a social pariah.

i thought about giving xbox/wii back to them for limited periods but tbh they are SO much nicer without it that i don't really want to go back there.

Original poster
Julie369000 · 02/11/2013 19:54

Thanks everyone for comments, I will take them all on board. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Julie369000 · 02/11/2013 19:57

Hi mrsravelstein I would love to take xbox and laptop away, but he would go mad and my DH would not agree with me, he thinks its his own doing and let the school deal with him, he has had ACDs three times since the summer holidays, not a week goes by without a detention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Julie369000 · 02/11/2013 20:04

I know it is for his own good, but easier said than done!! We will see what his behaviour is like when he goes back to college Monday after half term.

OP posts:
TreaterAnita · 02/11/2013 20:17

I think you need to deal with your husband's attitude first then if he's not backing you up. It's not the school's job to parent your son and even if it was, there's a limit to what they can do in the time he's there, and clearly detention is having little effect if he keeps ending up in it.

Kithulu · 02/11/2013 21:00

I would suggest making it clear to him that 1 detention = x box ban for 1 day. Plain simple, straight forward.

You also said that he spend so much time gaming that he does not socialize. I have found the opposite, through skype and gaming my son (yr8) has kept up friendships from primary school, which would have drifted as they went to different high schools. He has headphones and microphone and is always chatting away and gaming.

He is however, also a complete nightmare grumpy boy when he has to come off. Gahhh!!

Original poster
Julie369000 · 03/11/2013 16:59

Hi Kithulu that is the rule we tell him if bad notes in planner or detention xbox is banned till next day, when he is gaming he is online so chatting so I suppose socialising that way, he says to some friends at school too, when we went on holiday in Majorca in aug he made friends with someone who he plays xbox with online, so I suppose it has its benefits!! TreaterAnita its a vicious circle, most things my husband does back me up, its that he thinks that ds is enjoying playing on xbox so can see his point. The school have been brilliant in supporting what I say to them and I have been behind what punishments he gets from them.

OP posts:
lljkk · 04/11/2013 09:24

Well I've taken Poota AND iPad off DS this morning.
(Yes he refused to go to school)
I hate teenagers. I'd divorce mine if at all possible.
Where is MaryZ? I need some moral support. Weanh..........

gamerchick · 04/11/2013 09:32

Mine lost his xbox this morning and earned a weeks grounding for lying about tidying his room.

I swear I would prefer a room full of toddlers than one teen.

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