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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I have disowned my 18 year old son

42 replies

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:01

Hi, I have disowned my 18 year old transexual son and asked him to leave, after months and months of drink, drugs,attention seeking and sexual acts beyond belief and down right taking the piss out of my home, I think I may be headed for a breakdown, someone pls help, I cant take anymore

OP posts:

Whitershadeofpale · 04/10/2013 11:11

I didn't want to read and run. I think disowning is a very big step and based on his age and behaviour you've discribed in the OP seems extreme.

I think you need some space from each other and I think some councelling. Your son sounds very troubled. If he is transgendered then identity issues may be leading to his destructive behaviour. I am not familiar with any but I'm sure there are charities that may be able to help him.

sittinginthesun · 04/10/2013 11:14

I agree - it sounds as though you both need some real life support. Start with your GP?

Pootles2010 · 04/10/2013 11:14

I agree with Whiter, you both sound in need of a lot of help. Could you sort him out with somewhere else thats safe to stay, so you know he's ok whilst also having some space?

insanityscratching · 04/10/2013 11:18

It sounds like he needs you now more than ever before tbh. Take some time to have some space by all means but don't cut him out. Try getting advice and support for you both here

Branleuse · 04/10/2013 11:25

I think i would go to your gp and suggest some counselling or family therapy. Both your son and you are obviously hurting each other a lot more than you are communicating

Original poster

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:26

I have been there for him and the transgender is not the issue as I been the one encouraged him to come out, he tells me to fuck off all the time, he is contantly coming down off drink and drugs, I have 3 other children in the house, there is a drama everyday, he brings un desirables back in the early hours and lets them stay in the house, he has stopped going to college, I have people turning up to my business premises telling me about his outside behaviour, he picks up men every weekend and doesnt tell that he is a transexual as he looks like a very attractive girl, he doesnt care if the man has a girlfriend right next to him, he has no morals whatsever and the list goes on...

OP posts:

extracrunchy · 04/10/2013 11:27

Agree with all of the above - can't imagine how hard it is for you to be dealing with a young person being so destructive, but ultimately he's behaving the way he is because he's deeply troubled. He needs your support more than ever - being transgendered is hard at the best of times - and you both need someone to talk things through with.

Helpyourself · 04/10/2013 11:28

What support do you have, OP?
You can't just kick him out unless you've done everything you possibly can to get help!

Original poster

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:29

I hear what you are all saying but I cant cope with him anymore...

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/10/2013 11:30

I would agree with kicking him out but I wouldn't disown him. If he's going to behave like that then it has to be done.

He sounds troubled and wild atm and you have other kids to think about.

It doesn't mean you can't support him from a distance though.

Original poster

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:33

He doesnt want support, whatever I suggest he just tells me to f* off, gp etc, I made him an appointment at the gay mans clinic, he never showed, I set him up a busniess website to give him focus but after months of him closing the door in my face and being abusive, I cant deal with it anymore?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:34

We need space I know that...

OP posts:

SugarMiceInTheRain · 04/10/2013 11:37

I agree that, especially with other children in your house, kicking him out may be the only option. But disowning him seems harsh, as at some point he will probably come to his senses and stop the inappropriate behaviour and really really need you. I'd go with supporting from a distance. Let him know you're there to support him when he wants/ needs it but you cannot have him living under your roof due to his destructive behaviour.

VoodooHexDoll · 04/10/2013 11:40

He is 18 years old and an adult if you dont want him living with you then you have the right to ask him to move out.

It might be time for some tough love?

Also its not safe to have strangers in the house with other children in it. If he cant stick to basic rules then i would kick him out.

Floralnomad · 04/10/2013 11:40

I appreciate its difficult but from your last post it doesn't sound like you have tried to understand . Why make him an appointment at a 'gay man' clinic ,he is not gay ,and what is a gay man clinic ? I find that offensive and I'm only the parent of a gay man so I can understand your son being pissed off with you .

Original poster

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:44

All this has been so hard on all of us as a family, it is tearing us all apart, when he comes in pissed we have angry taxi drivers demanding the money at the door, he expects us to give him money all the time and I just havent got it, he doesnt work and is lazy, he has caused world war 3 at 3 in the morning, woken everyone up in the house, to be be blunt he is a very selfish person

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/10/2013 11:47

Then pack his bags. Take away the immediate stress his behaviour is causing. . You all need a breather.

Original poster

Shreksfiona · 04/10/2013 11:52

It was a clinic that is set up in our local hospital and it is called just that, before he came out transgender, he came out gay as he was man attracted to men but was on a downward spiral of being promiscous and pls dont tell me that I dont understand!! so dont jump on the thread to act all offended
I have every right to be pissed off with him, so unless you know the facts please and I am being polite in the best possible way, dont turn all this in another direction

OP posts:

titchy · 04/10/2013 11:59

If 'he' is transgendered why do you not now refer to him as her?

Agree you need boundaries though. Can you find a hostel or bedsit, pay a months rent and leave your child (now I'm not sure whether to say him or her!) to it. Change the locks and give a weeks notice this is all going to happen.

This is not the behaviour of a happy person though...

Floralnomad · 04/10/2013 12:05

I'm not 'acting all offended' I'm simply telling you how it comes across . Your son obviously has major issues and I appreciate that that is difficult for you but he needs help not disowning . Set house rules and stick to them ,don't give him money ,if taxi drivers ask for money tell them they need to deal with him and if the police then get involved so be it . Don't allow strangers in the house ,if they won't leave call the police .

Slipshodsibyl · 04/10/2013 12:15

He clearly needs to leave. It sounds as though you have tried to support him. Bringing strangers home for sex at night, drunk is putting the family at risk and difficult young adults cause havoc in a house.

I think you should ask for advice from social services. I expect that when he stops being able to hurt you so often you will feel able to accept him again rather than disown him.

I think picking the op up on whether she calls the child she brought up as a boy for 18 years him or her just now is nitpicking in the extreme and pretty unhelpful.

Slipshodsibyl · 04/10/2013 12:17

As are comments like 'don't let strangers in'. I assume he brings them in at any time of night when others are sleeping. I expect op finds them there in the morning. Have you no idea what parents in this kind if situation are subject to?

Orchidlady · 04/10/2013 13:24

shreks Fucking hell, you poor things sounds like a living nightmare. You can not live like this nor should you other kids be subjected to this. flora you are talking shit and being extremely unhelpful.
OP please keep posting can you get rl support?

wheredidiputit · 04/10/2013 13:34

Flora

I would assume OP has done all of that.

OP yes he may be 'acting out' or coming to terms to his feelings it doesn't mean he has the right to disrupt the household when he feels like it.

Hopefully when you have both had some time apart you can come back together, not necessarily living together but as a family.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 04/10/2013 13:37

It sounds like you are having a really hard time of it and have tried everything you can think of to help your child. It must be really tough. I can offer much advice as this makes what my daughter put us through look like a walk in the park, but I have some experience with transgendered people and I agree with titchy, you should refer to her as your daughter now, it will show her you respect her decision, which can mean a lot. I agree, she needs to move out of your home, but please don't disown her. Help her find alternative accomodation and meet up with her in a neutral place to offer as much support as you can because she needs all the support she can get right now, she'll face plenty of rejection over the coming months and years without her family adding to it. That's not a criticism, I know how difficult it is to stand by someone when you disagree with so much they are doing, but if she us to come through this, she will need you there, even if it's only in small ways, they all count. Lastly I suggest you look for a transgender support group, there are plenty if you google, which offer support to teenagers and thier familes, as I do think a very significant factor in your daughters behaviour is her gender identity issues.

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