19 year old Son, what to do??

[ConfusedDotty]

I hope someone here has some useful advice for me, as I really have no idea on what my next move should be. I have NC for this, and I am expecting some harsh words of advice from you wonderful people.

Here it is. I have my 19yr old son living at home with myself and my DP (DS is from my first marriage). He's clever, sensible, helpful, polite, dosen't drink/smoke. There's the good points.

The bad bit is, he hasn't gone back to college this term, he told me this back in July, I said ok but you now need to look for a job or go back to college. He agreed, we are now almost in October and he has done nothing at all. He stays up till stupid o'clock on his PC (normal teenage behaviour I know), gets up on the afternoon and that's his life. He never goes out at all.

At the moment I am on long term sick due to a shattered/broken leg, this is going to take up to 12 months recovery time, and so I am housebound/cannot drive/cannot work. DS has been a great help and I now think this is one of the reasons he is putting off looking for employment (another excuse) Being on long term sick means we will only have one income coming into the house, I have explained to DS that he really needs to contribute by either getting work and that he must register at the Job Centre, he looked appalled with this. I mention this on a daily basis to him and he never seems to do anything about it.

I can now feel the strain of this as can my DP who has been very understanding. Any suggestions??

Have you tried having a family conference and explaining all the financial matters and making sure he understands why things must change? He is an adult now and should be contributing if not at college.

Does he have any idea of what job/career he'd like to follow? Even if he's not at college their careers dept would probably be happy to talk to him. How about setting a deadline for certain actions like going to the job centre or talking to the college or seriously looking for a job. I assume he's hardly spending any money personally, but you could threaten to remove internet access for more than 1 hour a day if he's unwilling to cooperate.

Do you give him any money? If so then stop or there's no incentive for him to get a job.

Help him with his cv and job hunting and interview techniques. It's a tough time to be looking and is very demoralising especially if you don't have experience. It's a skill that has to be learned.

Thanks for your replies. I have told him why things have to change, he's a clever boy and he does understand. I have also threatened no internet (which would break him).

I don't give him any money at all, he dosent spend any, he says he dosent need any, therefore no incentive to earn any.

The annoying thing is he done really really well at uni but just has no interest in going back. I just don't want him to waste his life.

It's a difficult one.

Has he ever really explained why he won't go back to uni. It seems strange if he was doing well.

Did he choose the wrong subject? I think that this often happens if they go straight from school. So would he go back if he changed course? Uni courses are only just getting going.

Was he home sick? In which case could he change uni or do the course with the OU?

You seem to be just accepting that he won't go back. Surely he has already incurred debts from his first year. It seems like such a waste.

Do you think he could have confidence problems? I had a bad time when choosing a career because I doubted my ability to do anything well. Did he do well through school?

I had the same problem with my son last year when he refused to go back to 6th form college, I made him go and sign on at the job centre, I couldn't afford to keep him. He didn't like it much but is now back at college doing an access course and hoping to go to uni next year. Give him a deadline say he has until Christmas to get a job or sign on, the job centre here are actually quite good with the teenagers, they helped my son quite a bit and he got two part time jobs through them. Your son needs a push to do something, does he have any friends? I cant imagine my 19 year old never going out at all.

Where does he see himself or want to be in 5 years time?

Could something traumatic have happened at college?

Who pay for his phone, his deodorant, his internet, his food, his electricity?

seriously, password protect the internet - its the future.

i have been through similar - and still am to some extent