13 year old daughter hates me

[Pammos]

I am a new person to mumsnet and this is my first attempt to get some advice /help from others. My middle child (only girl, other 2 are boys) has turned against me and it is very upsetting for me and the rest of the family. She barely speaks to me, when she does it is "when is my dinner ready", "where is my netball kit" type stuff. She looks at me with utter scorn and hatred burning in her eyes and shares practically nothing with me. She gets home from school and disappears upstairs to watch TV/go on computer and seems disinterested in joining in with the family. Given I have a 14.5 year old son I felt I had some understanding of how to deal with teenagers but she is unmanageable as has become an almost stereotypical "bitch girl teenager" and I wonder if it is because she attends a (very good) girls school and watches all of these horrible American TV shows (pretty little liars, etc). She seems to enjoy seeing me upset by her words and actions. Everything I do is wrong. I am at my wit's end. My husband and older son have both tried to talk to her about her behavior but she just doesn't respond or seem to care. I think everything is OK at school, she has some outside activities too (although I often have to battle with her to make her honour her commitments - e.g. battle rehearsal for an upcoming show, taking part in a club hockey match, etc). I have to find a way to make things better between us because I feel myself hardening against her - almost as a defence mechanism. Help!

[bigTillyMint]

Great thread - so reassuring to see so many people saying that it is natural for DD's to push their mothers away as they grow up and that they may use them as an emotional punch bag because they know their mum will always love them. And also that they will (hopefully!) grow out of it again.

I agree, rudeness/bitchiness should not be tolerated, particularly if it is making it uncomfortable at home, and that having your own interests, friends, etc is important - you are no longer the centre of their universe, so you need to show them that although they are still important to you, there are other things and people in your life too.

[RoxyFox211]

Try not to take it personally. I remeber hating my mum for a good portion of my childhood & teenage years but i would have been lost without her. Kids see their parents as a constraint, the thing that most often stands between them and getting/doing what they want all the time. Its the role you play in her life thats probably more the issue, rather than a personal thing, although it might feel like it to both of you. Dont try too hard to make her like you as this will probably be obvious and annoying to her. Ask her outright if she has a particular problem with something you have done/do or said and then try and work out a reasonable solution. Hopefully it is a phase that will pass!

[abs4190]

As a dad in a similar situation with a 12 year old daughter my wife and I are at the end of our tether with her moods and swings. When she's nice it's on her terms and this is usually when she wants something like her cousin to sleep over on the weekend etc. Everything has to be her way. On my days off we'd suggest going somewhere nice as a family but she'll point blankly refuse saying it's too far to drive. Other times I'd come home from work and I wouldn't even get an acknowledgment from her unless she wants to go out, again on her terms. If I do into get room whils she's watching TV she'd pause the channel and tell me to get out. Yesterday I picked her up from school and grabbed her a takeaway after dropping her home. Not even a thank you when I brought it home, and to top it off she wanted to eat in front of the TV in her room downstairs. I hadn't even put the food on her table and she was telling me "now get out of my room! "

I did lose it and shouted at her calling her an ungrateful little brat..I was really hurt and I just felt worthless. I get jealous at the relationship my friend's have with their children. She was adorable in her younger years but is changing into a nightmare. I know that she is going through hormonal changes and I understand this could affect her mood but surely not all the time. The sad thing is that it's having an impact on my relationship with my wife as well. I have a stressful and at times dangerous job but the stress at work is nothing compared to dealing with my daughter at home. I hope she grows out of it soon. I know as a teen myself I was a right little
Sh@t to my parents and regretted my behaviour in my later years.

[flowergirl456]

I'm sorry abs4190 you are having such a rough time with your daughter. It sounds to me like she's hit the teenage phase early, puberty comes quicker to some. Your friend's daughters are lovely now but they will catch up in a year or two and will be equally horrible to their parents!
Your daughter will come back to you when she's older, just put up with the toddler tantrums at the moment and not take it too much to heart. I rationalise myself with my son that he speaks rubbish 99% of the time. Best thing is, you and your wife spend more quality time together, one advantage of them getting older is you can start leaving her on her own soon.
My son won't acknowledge his Dad when he gets home from work either - it does make me cross, but you have to step back and laugh at their silliness, I know easier said than done sometimes....

[BabyGanoush]

When I was that age I thought my mum was overly invested, interested, in my life.

She was always there, always....

I wanted to be alone

I told her scornfully to take up pottery for heavens sake, or something ANYTHING.

I needed space and felt crowded by her interest in my life.

She still mocks me about this and occassionally suggests pottery classes for me, now that I have teens.

My teens love being left alone , just love it.

Instead of trying harder, try a bit less. Stay cool, focus on your own life. She wants you to be there fir her... In the background

[abs4190]

Thanks for your reply flowergirl456

[t875]

Been there done that. She doesn't hate you just everything is do much bigger / worries the way you look at her the way you may be speaking ( although your speaking no doubt nicely)
It's a over worrying over caring over thinking stage my dd now is 15 and seems to have settled more.
Try your hardest though to not have her want to stay in her room and go in her computer all the time.
Do check her social media and also if any friends are having problems and if all is ok at school
As when my dd went through this stage there were underlying problems going on in the back ground which we didn't know at the time.
All the best there are some good books on amazon - the teenage brain is good and get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town.
Tune in on her likes I had to get into sims lol and also like others have said go out get the board games out together as a family! We love logo quiz / Pictionary picturika we also play on the wii / x box together. Is there anything she likes - baking or sewing something you guys can do together?
Baking has really helped dd with her confidence and she loves doing it and I guess eating it too! :-)
Good luck. Hope the phase passes
Pick your battles and I find text communication helps sometimes too when I know she's best not to talk too :-D x

[t875]

Abs4190 sorry you are also going through this. Like I said to the OP know what you and your wife are going through. Have a read of my post and also try and get them books they are very good.
The teenage brain helped us to understand what was going on and not to take it personally although I know it's very hard too.
Check her computer / social media and also jump in on texts see if all is ok with friends our dd had a friend who was going through a tough time and our dd was worried about her.
All the best hope things calm ASAP

[Pepperpot99]

I am going through this as well and it is ruining our home . Dd is 14.5 and has become the most vile unpleasant cow imaginable. Sneers at dh and I constantly, snaps, argues, manipulates. She lies and steals regularly. Dh and I were both in tears yesterday at her vileness and I am in tears now. I feel utterly broken by her relentless hatred. I honestly did spend a lot of yesterday contemplating whether or not it would be better if I just left . If I didn't have a yonger child I don't know what I would do. I feel so lost and empty. Sorry for rambling.

[Lifestoohard]

I'm with you. My daughter is 14 and so utterly hurtful towards me and her dad (mostly me) that I spend every evening in tears. Home life is a constant stream of I hate you's, I wish you were dead, why didn't you abort me's etc that I just don't want to be here anymore.
She won't accept any sort of love or affection then screams at me that I don't show her any love or affection.
I can't win. She's extremely proud of the fact that she (by her own admission to myself and her dad) is having unprotected sex with several different boys, is smoking, drinking and God knows what else. She's grounded, is given no money, has had everything confiscated and yet somehow everything she is doing, all her behaviours, are my fault.
I just want my sweet caring loving daughter back but sadly she vanished in November last year.
She's breaking my heart.

[Atenco]

Just to say that I am also a survivor. My dd started and was her worse at twelve and by fourteen was actually quite lovely again. Not a total solution, but she had really bad PMT and period pains and acupuncture helped a lot.

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

My dd who is really an absolute TREASURE is being a nightmare atm

Even son -who spent from about 13-16 just grunting at everyone- said yesterday to me and OH GOD I dont know how you two STAND IT



It is awful. I thought ds had prepared me for this. I'm beginning to see that was possibly a walk in the park in comparison

[Pepperpot99]

Thanks for responding. Lifestoohard that sounds really difficult for you and I'm very sorry. It is soul destroying to see your dd slip away like that isn't it? my dd was seeing a boy until he dumped her just after xmas (still don't really know the full story) and that's affected her confidence a lot.
Does your dd have nice/good/loyal friends? my dd has friends but not a best friend - this is what she misses because since primary school she has never really made a best pal. She has a lot of anxiety and gets panice attacks sometimes. She's been referred to CAMHS but the GP said it would take months..
Are the SS involved with your dds life? is the school helpful? xxx

[FarAwayHills]

I'm marking my spot as I have an almost teenage DD who is mostly pleasant with occasional snappy outbursts. It's like one minute she needs me and the next just wants me to disappear off the face of the earth. I guess there's more of this to come but having read this I will certainly read some of the books mentioned for the journey ahead.

[Politeandkind]

I have a similar problem to this lady, but not only I feel my 14 year old daughter hates me, she keeps criticising my appearance and make up, I think I look ok, in fact I get a lot of compliments for my age and the fact I have four children, she is my eldest and does little around the house, refuses to tidy her room, spends a lot of time on her iPhone which I have very little control over (apart from setting age limits on our broadband feed) talks and enjoys her dad's company but doesn't talk to me, and asks me to go away when I try to speak to her. I am strating to feel low, I want her to do well in her gcse s nexttwo years although she seems ok at school she has no interest apart from her appearance. I feel I have lost her and can never get her back.

[1mnoidiot]

My daughter is 16 and for the past year or so has complained that she is “depressed “ I arranged to see our doctor and he suggested 6 weeks of counselling, which has now completed. My daughter says it hasn’t helped her and I went back to the doctors (a different one) who asked her to explain her feelings etc then suggested exercise, fun hobbies, more skating and drawing (the things she likes to do). As well as eating healthily and sleeping at least 8 hours. Well, after this my daughter was extremely moody, stroppy, short. She said they don’t understand how depressed I am. I asked her what she thinks the answer should have been and she said “medication” !! I asked her how she knew that this would cure it when she hadn’t tried any advice she’s been given. She slammed the door and refused to speak to me as I obviously ALSO don’t understand how she is feeling. I cannot bring myself to encourage medication as the answer but she sees me now as against her. In fact I discovered notes that she had taken in to her counsellor which entirely names me and arguments with me as the cause. I feel so hurt as we don’t argue really , I may ask her to keep her bedroom tidy fold clothes etc she gets everything she asks for taken to places freedom to meet up with her friends all of which myself and her Dad cater for. She is demanding and rude, does not appreciate a thing. All she asks is “have you called the doctor yet?” Her Dad and me are together happy he is totally sucked in by it all and is scared of causing upset so allows her to dictate where and when she needs to be taken out anywhere. We have so much to do yet find embarking on any task is impossible as she demands so much all of the time. I do find it hard to be convinced that she has any serious mental health issues, because my mother used to blame “lies” to get sympathy or emotional blackmail to get her own way. Which is why I have tried never to tell lies to hurt anybody nor have I been a drama queen. I lived with just my Dad from about 9 years old as my mum ran off in the night! And I’ve never missed her. I have lived my adult life with best interest of my children always. I am extremely close with my eldest daughter, yet I can’t say to her how much this is hurting me, I feel I have failed her and been too closed minded to problems I never thought would happen to any of my children. Am I wrong?

[1mnoidiot]

I agree totally about manners, respect etc. Albeit seen or heard as “nagging!” But my dd is convinced that medication is the answer!?. I have had to call for drs appointments and then let my dd speak openly about her “issues” but as soon as any other suggestions are made eg; fresh air, exercise healthy eating etc. She says that they’re wrong. (This is having NEVER tried!) if she wanted genuinely feel better, my argument is that you would try it? But obviously in her 16years she knows best. I am really worried about her exams this may-June as she refuses to revise has no idea how important this is for her future? The more I say this she just says; I haven’t made the doctors appointment ! in essence, any failings she has are my fault ultimately. I am so frustrated I am finding sympathy impossible which I know is not helpful. I don’t compare nor be critical I want her to see and feel positive about the life ahead but she sneers and walks away and refuses to discuss anything. She is intelligent, doesn’t suffer fools, does whatever she likes, treats her older sister as her personal slave and her Dad, I will moan at her more but if I’m the only help available I’ll have to do! And I do! I know that this will pass by as a phase yet as I am her nemesis I feel really hurt and I am not sure we’ll ever be close again.

[jambot]

I have a 13 year old daughter and although we actually have a good relationship most of the time she can also be a total little cow towards me and we bicker a lot. Her main problem is with her Dad. She is very difficult with him and the more he tries the worse she is with him. I've told him to just back away and stop trying too hard. It's hard for him though - he adores her and it's very upsetting. My advice would be to not worry to much. Let her know you are there for her and that you love her and hopefully it won't be too long a period that she thinks you are the pits! People with older kids always say their child eventually returned to their loving ways.

[A3213]

Hi, did you ever get to the bottom of her behaviour? I only ask because my daughter is 15 and she hates me. Truely hates me. She blames me for her father leaving her. She punches and kicks me in my legs and my head and has told police i have been abusing her. She said she wants to stab me and when I'm dying she's going to find me, set me on fire and watch me die. She was arrested for the last assault on me because I'd had enough.

We used to be really close until she started hanging around with some bad people. If i tried to stop her from doing this, she'd tell the police I'm controlling her and alienating her. The police are aware of her lies.

She's abusive to her grandfather and forces him to give her money. She intimidates him and kicks his furniture until he gives in because he just wants her to leave him alone.

I guess I'm just turning to social media because i feel so sad about it all. Shes my only child and I miss the daughter i had. I don't recognise her anymore. I'm incredibly hurt and I've felt like ending my life.

[MoodyMumOfOne]

I'm so sorry for the parents that are going through such hard times with their teens. I noted the thread started a few years ago, so hope the earlier posters have got through their difficulties now. It's hard going sometimes, and especially now some of us are steering their offspring through GCSEs

[A3213]

MoodyMumOfOne, no need to be sorry. Goodluck to your child/children going through their GCSEs. I hope they get good results. Its hard going these days!

[whittsend]

My 14 ds has decided he wants to try living with father I’ve been nothing but accommodating for this to happen after his mock GCSEs as he has threatened it multiple times to get his own way each time before I’ve backed down pussy foot around and this time I’m not it’s been 4 weeks since I agreed he can go in 4 weeks time ! He’s spending every weekend at nans and they are turning him against me telling him all I’ve saud and manipulating him more ! Each time I talk to him he’s getting angrier and angrier and swearing at me and is literally looking for a fallout ! I’ve told him time and time again I’m not falling out with him he is always welcome home if/when he wants I’m respecting his wishes and feelings and that it’s fine for him to want to try the other way round and although I’m allowing it I’m not happy about it but will respect his wishes ! The more I’m nice the more he’s worse ! What does he want me to do beg plead and fight with him to ease his guilt and anger ! 4 more weeks I’ve got of this till he goes and each time he comes back after a weekend worse and worse towards me ! HELP !

[NeydA]

Hi I am new to this mumsnet and I need some advise. I have 2 boys 5 year old and a 12 year old. My 12 year old started to live with he’s father 1 year ago and since then my son has not been wanting to spend time with me and he hangs up on me when I call him and tell him I’m on my way. It’s very hurtful when you have your son telling you I don’t want to spend time with you or see u.

[Mandyw27]

My daughter is 13 and an absolute nightmare. Very cheeky to me alot of the time. We clash terrible. I do try and not retaliate when she gives me cheek but I just cant help it.
She was such a lovely kid.
She had a hard year. She was groomed on line just under a year ago and we had to go through a court case .
Since then she had sex as well.
I have had the police at my door as well regarding this. She is having councelling as well but I dont feel like this is doing much good. Shes self harming as well and recently started punching walls in anger
Thd school know everything and I keep in contact on a regular basis.
The school councillor she sees always tells me I'm doing a fantastic job and to continue what I'm doing no matter how hard. My husband also tries with her.
I'm hoping this is a phase as with everything else shes had to deal with on top of being a moody teenager.
Any advice would be good

[Storminateacup74]

My dd and I have just had a huge bust up all over revision for exams every night for the last 2 weeks i have given her 2 hours of my time to help her revise and tonight she swore at me so i walked away and took her phone it all escalated because she is stressed out but still no excuse. If I hadn't taken her phone when she swore at me then it wouldn't have escalated. Her brother who is 3 years younger has learned to accept the punishment and when he is disrespectful and I take his console he knows if he shows respect he gets it back. I give my dd alot of my time and I do alot for her dance lessons swim academy, tennis trip to musicals and most of the time she does respect me but when she does disrespect me I know it is isnt personal and now I wish I hadn't taken tbe phone as it has escalated everything!! Walk away and keeping calm is just so hard though sometimes!!