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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I ask DD if she is a lesbian?

22 replies

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 15:13

DD3 (17) just said to me she thinks she and her friend X are dating, or maybe married. I can't work out if she was joking or trying finally to tell me she is in fact a lesbian, which i have suspected for a while. I don't think i have a problem with this but, having fumbled the catch as it were, what i don't want to do is ask her straight out and risk hurting her feelings. She is at a bitch all-girls' school and has only this one friend (from outside school), who is quite strange but has been really sweet and supportive. DD3, now in year 13, dated a boy in year 10 briefly but since then has played her cards v close to her chest. Should I ask her, or wait a bit longer for her to try telling me again?

OP posts:

CheungFun · 22/01/2013 15:23

I only have a 1 year old, so not experienced in the world of teenagers apart from having been one!

I think if it were me, I'd find something in a newspaper or magazine about a gay celebrity or something like gay marriage and open up a conversation that way and say something along the lines of how much more open and accepting society is these days and you're pleased things have changed, so that way she knows that you're not against it and give her the space to talk if she wants to.

A close friend came out at the age of 26 a while ago and my reaction was "congratulations!" with a big grin! I think we had vaguely suspected, but we didn't want to put him on the spot and it wasn't a big thing. He was physically shaking when he told us as he thought we were going to disown him - I have no idea where he got this idea from silly git!

thewhistler · 22/01/2013 15:31

Completely agree with Cheung. Eg get Clare Balding's biog from library and say isn't she great and how silly queen Victoria was etc and let the conversation go from there. She may be, she may not be, she may be bi, she may always have known, she may just be v reliant on this friend atm. As long as she knows you will always love her, no matter what, nothing else matters.

We have a friend who wrote to us, he was so scared, silly chump. We would lose half DH's uni friends if we cared.

Original poster

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 15:43

Thank you all. I hope she knows the family have no issues whatever with people being gay or lesbian, it has been discussed often en famille. And I do think Clare Balding is totally awesome, as is her partner Alice Arnold! My problem is that I think she was trying to tell me something and I fumbled it, now I'm curious and impatient to establish what is the truth of the matter. I think I'll just have to sit tight and wait for her. Quite possibly she doesn't know herself as you say. I'm just grateful this girl is around...

OP posts:

SushiPaws · 22/01/2013 15:46

Is she close to her sisters? Can you ask them?

Original poster

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 15:50

Yes I've asked the sisters and they say they can't be sure... A direct question from them would result in a thump so that's not an avenue to pursue

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mirry2 · 22/01/2013 15:55

I would ask her. I don't see how it could hurt her feelings. Can't you just say "you know what you said about dating your friend. Did you mean you're having a lesbian relationship or were you joking. It's no big deal to me either way."

CheungFun · 22/01/2013 15:58

It's very tricky isn't it? I always find the best conversations are to be had on long walks through the countryside or whilst doing something like a major or one person washing up, the other drying up because then you don't have to make eye contact and the conversation seems to flow more freely. I'm sure that you'll find out for sure at some point. The main thing is that at least you're on the ball and ready and accepting for it.

Original poster

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 16:03

Well mirry2 I think it may hurt her feelings because me having to ask would kind of make it clear to her that I don't fully know/understand her, and she is very reliant on the idea of us being well 'bonded', as she calls it, since she has so few people she is close to. Of course I know I don't fully know/understand her or anyone else in this world, but it's a sort of innocence on her part that I don't have the guts to trample on...

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ggirl · 22/01/2013 16:06

I would just be totally honest and say what you have said here..that you feel you missed the opportunity to talk about it and feel bad about that.

flow4 · 22/01/2013 16:39

I'm a great fan of asking direct questions if at all possible... I agree with mirry and ggirl... Could you say something like "Sorry if this sounds a bit daft, but when you said the other day that you and X are dating, I should have said 'congratulations', shouldn't I?! Unless you were joking..."

Original poster

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 17:28

So I've never been able to keep my gob shut when my curiosity is aroused... I just asked her straight out in the car and she said no, she just thinks she and her friend are closer and share more than has happened in other friendhsips, so it feels almost like a marriage. Hmmm, not sure where she gets her notions of what a marriage is all about

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SushiPaws · 22/01/2013 17:54

I'm glad you've talked.

Can I just add that my friend was in an abusive relationship with a man. She became very close to a woman that supported her. They ended up in a lesbian relationship, but for a long time she maintained that she wasn't gay, she just had "more" than a friendship with this woman. It just sounds similar, lesbian is a title that some women don't want to label themselves with. My friend is now very confident about her bi sexuality, it takes time.

Good luck op.

Branleuse · 22/01/2013 17:56

Can you just ask her" is it ok to ask a personal question, and to please dont be offended" and then if she says yes, just ask her if she is gay

Branleuse · 22/01/2013 17:57

ahhh, should have read it all before answering. :)

Original poster

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 17:59

Well Sushi I think you may have a point there. I'll just have to sit tight and wait to see how things turn out. All i want for all my DDs is for them to be happy, of course - I don't mind how they do it!

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SushiPaws · 22/01/2013 18:07

You sound like a fabulous, caring mum op.

Floralnomad · 22/01/2013 18:14

Do your gut instincts say she is ? If so you are probably right and I would say nothing . My son is gay , we all knew it and he confirmed it eventually when he was 17 , prior to that we had a couple of odd conversations which I never pursued . It didn't matter to us ,as long as he is happy , so I didn't feel the need to ask . The way I see it is you wouldn't ask someone if they were heterosexual would you ?

Original poster

examiner99 · 22/01/2013 18:28

That's true Floral, my concern was that i thought she was trying to tell me something that she wanted to tell and I messed up. If I was really pressed about my gut instinct I would say that I think she is not lesbian actually. My best friend, a very strict Catholic, has a son who we've known was gay since he was about 10. He has now come out (at the age of 18) and it is not an easy situation for any of them. This may have set me wondering how I would react as the mum rather than the friend, so I'm a bit over-sensitive perhaps.

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Floralnomad · 22/01/2013 20:36

I'm sure she will bring it up again if she feels she needs to . I hope your friends son is ok , it must be very difficult for him .

CatelynStark · 22/01/2013 20:44

My eldest is 18 & has been 'Facebook married' to several girls so I have wondered if she was gay. Apparently though, it's a younger generation thing and her friends all do it, lots of hugging and innuendo with outright flirting with the same sex.

(It matters not a jot to me either way, if she is or isn't.)

CatelynStark · 22/01/2013 20:45

Oops, posted too soon.

We've talked about how times have changed and she thinks I'm a dinosaur for even thinking to ask!

Original poster

examiner99 · 23/01/2013 10:50

Catelyn, I know what you mean about all this flirting and innuendo. I find it funny. One of my friends has started doing it to me and I'm still a bit slow in being 'cool' with it to be honest [smiley] But with my friend's son it's not so funny as my friend is indeed a dinosaur and he is quite a vulnerable young man [unsmiley]

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