19yr old daughter driving me to dispair.....

[barberburd]

I need advice (or medical help) PLEASE ..
I have a 19yr old daughter who is driving me to the end of my tether!!
She has always been hard work but I just got on with it on my own even when i was told " she needs a good thick ear " etc etc . I encouraged her at school with education and made it clear in life if you want nice things you need education and a good job to get them also respect for yourself and others.
She eventually left school with excellent grades ( so proud ) and went to uni. She lasted a year!! As of last November ( first month into 2nd year ) she has gave up her shared flat and came home, she took on a job and lasted 3 weeks and as of a week before christmas has lay on her bed every day all day, refuses to work OR sign on at job centre and says she will never work its for mugs and tooo stressful !! She says she doesnt need to sign on as she doesnt cost us much money and refuses to lift a finger in the house.
My husband and I leave the house every day at 8 am and come home at approx 6pm and she has done NOTHING !! I have to travel home at lunch time to walk the dogs because she even refuses to do that !!
I just dont know what to do right or wrong. Its causing so much atmosphere in the house that my 15yr old son now spends most of his time at his dads house. She threatens me with violence on a daily basis and is now dictating who I can have in my own house for example. I wont let my husband say anything to her because then when he`s not here she starts on me again . WHAT DO I DO ??

Tough love. Threaten to kick her out if she doesn't pick her act up. You'll need your DH on your side though. If she doesn't like that, force her to the doctors or get him round and say you think she is depressed and needs help. Take away all her stuff, mobile, TV etc. She may argue she is 19 but she isn't acting like it!

She's an adult, bag up her stuff and threaten to kick her out..... No way would I put up with that.
My eldest DS is only 15 but he knows come his 16th birthday he'll be looking for part time work (he is v v lazy and hardly does a thing around here).

Does she have friends? Is she social?

Is she depressed? Get her to see a doctor if you can.

A threat of violence warrants a call to the police. Don''t put up with that sort of tyranny. Don't warn her. Just do it.

Morning,
She is seemingly NOT depressed after a visit to the doctors although they are sending her now for an aspergers test ??? one thing after another !! She only has one close friend WHO WORKS !! so when this friend is working my dd spends all her time in her room. I tried talking to her yesterday again and explained that i am watching her waisting her life away and how hard it is for me to see this happen to my girl.
I must say though after looking at the symptoms of Aspergers i am a tad concerned. After 19 years of her being bullied and left out because "she was different" and me asking for help and being told she was just a contancerous (spelling ) little girl im now ANGRY !! I have been left on my own to deal with all her funny wee ways, ocd, violence, screaming and shouting, Ive been left out of family situations because they didnt want my strange daughter there etc, ive asked for help time and time again over all these years and got NOTHING ! Im so tired now of fighting and feel guilty for my ds as i feel ive spent so much time and attention on my dd , has he missed out ??
My dh is my saviour, he is their step father and my best friend , however i often wonder why he stays when he could have such a quiet peaceful life elsewhere....

DS = SON? DD=DAUGHTER? DH=HUSBAND? im new to this and now free of smoking for 7 days !!!!!! ( where is the gin bottle lol ) x

Oh dear.

It sounds like she needs some help rather than 'tough love' IMO.

If she were to be diagnosed with asperger's or, 'being on the Autistic Disorder Spectrum' it could be very helpful for her and you to understand her difficulties and help her to cope with them.

Hmmm. Even if she is diagnosed as Aspergers, she can lead a normal life (i.e. go back to Uni, hold down a job etc) with support if necessary.

DO NOT let her use this as a stick to beat you with. You will still need to employ tough love and not let her take you for a ride. I speak from experience here.

Don't threaten to kick then out, as you may end up having to do it, and you will just worry about them being homeless. But don't do anything for her. No meals, washing, take your router to work with you so no Internet, hopefully that will make her at least get out of bed

I am new to this tonight, so don't really know what to do yet, but I am having problems with my 18 yo dd and I too am quitting smoking, mine is 3 weeks or so now, just wanted to say you must be strong and stick to your morals. I agree not to threaten kicking her out, for danger of having to follow through, instead get tough and don't give the kindness that comes naturally, show that actions have consequences that she won't like.

she needs to get out of your house or shape up she can't dictate and threaten you would you allow a 30 yr old adult child to threaten you, stop doing stuff for her stop washing ironing whatever else you do for her, dont give her money dont pay her bills I am assuming she has a mobile/ internet access she isn't a child even if she has ASD you don't need to put up with abuse, people with aspergers can live their lives fine,

I think it's so easy for anyone who hasn't been in this kinda situation to say, Kick her out. I have a bipolar 19 year old, and much of the behaviour you describe is very similar. But kick her out? Even though she is a real pain. No. Tough love. Yes. No money. No mobile etc. But to kick a mentally unstable kid out on the streets reeks of self righteous Thatcherism... Turn off the financial taps; offer her your wholehearted support in seeking help, and maintain your own boundaries. Kicking out is not an option.

Kicking out is not an option.

you are right pippa but self ritcheous thatcherism not sure what you were on about there I wasn't suggesting she kick her out in the street like a waif in the rain, but sometimes if the situation is so bad that you can't live with your adult child safely then they need to be somewhere else safely and away from the situation nobody really suggested chucking her out

am having similar problems with DD,also 19. after ten months of refusing to do anything (having been kicked out of college) she now has a part time job - so is giving a token amount of rent - and has a bit of a life. She went to the dr's and is on anti - depressants - which I am not thrilled about - but is also having counselling. but its still the way she speaks to me that causes my biggest fears - total lack of respect and horrid attitude - so rude over the slightest things. other family members have commented on her attitude too. but what do i do? I wouldnt let a DP/DH talk to me that way - so shouldnt put up with it from her. have told her she will have to leave if it continues but she just laughs at me. seriously dislike her at the moment!

Can I ask why you aren't thrilled with the idea of her taking anti-depressants?

the ones she is taking have been implicated in an increased suicide risk in those who take it . I think the counselling route should have been the first step.