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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD's life revolving around her first BF

24 replies

niceguy2 · 11/12/2012 19:13

Hi all

DD met her first BF about 4 months ago and turned 16 a couple of months back.

To be honest he's alright for a 17 year old lad. Polite, respectful and quite friendly and outgoing. As a first boyfriend I don't think I could ask for more. He does get a little jealous easily but I guess that's common. Esp at his age.

DD's got three close friends who she's had for years. But since meeting this lad, she's basically made him the centre of her universe. Every opportunity they get, they are together.

She's never been a very sociable person but since they got together it's got even worse. Recently she's got upset and it came out that she feels like she's got nothing in her life except her BF. I've tried to explain that she needs to make effort with her friends too but apparently I just don't understand! One of her close friends has started to pull away now because I suspect my DD just isn't making any effort at all.

She practically broke down the other week when I suggested that she didn't see her BF for a week so she could concentrate on her studies for her mock exams! Apparently I hate her and of course....didn't understand! They're only mocks....they don't count and she's only dropped grades in three subjects!

I dunno what to do. My OH says that there's no reasoning with her as her position isn't logical in the slightest and that this is one of those things she will have to learn herself the hard way.

Anyone any bright ideas or is my OH right?

OP posts:

BoyMeetsWorld · 11/12/2012 19:23

I'm afraid I think your OH is right. I can actually remember very clearly when I myself was the same age & reacting the same way as your DD. a week seemed like a lifetime, I wouldn't have been able to concentrate for moping & would have found some way to be contacting 1st bf all the time by phone, email...whatever. Maybe arrange an activity for her to invite her friends to (something girly!!) as a reward when her works done & incentivise her with seeing him every other day but only if sufficient work done inbetween

Mumofjz · 11/12/2012 19:31

How about talking to them both. Explain that as they are in a serious young adult relationship, then they can be treated that way. Express your concern over the need to revise for mocks and how are they dealing with this, what have they discussed. Ask him when he sees his friends and is he finding it difficult to fit everything in.

I take it he's left school so try and appeal to his sense of duty maybe

CajaDeLaMemoria · 11/12/2012 19:39

Awww, I did this. It's very easy too at that age. Love is all-consuming.

Splitting us up wouldn't have worked, we moped terribly, text each other and would send long emails about how sad we were to have had to spend 5 hours apart/hoover/not sleep on the phone to each other.

It'll calm down. Whether she stays with him or not. It did for me - we were together for four and a half years, and the initial grade dip was more than made up for. He even taught me maths.

Don't forget that she is probably using him and her new feelings as a relief from the intense stress of mocks. There will be a lot of pressure, from you, from school, from her teachers and from herself. The school should have strategies to help the students with that, but they'll see this a lot.

Original poster

niceguy2 · 11/12/2012 19:48

Oh I don't want to split them up or anything like that. Just for DD to have a bit more of a balance.

Yes I could speak to him. In fact I did do so regarding her exams and he was far more keen that she studied than she was herself!

Unfortunately he doesn't have many friends either and is looking for a job so he's got plenty of spare time. The only thing which seems to limit their time together is the fact he has to spend a few days at his mum's house which is about 20 mins drive away! Otherwise he'd practically be living here! lol

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 11/12/2012 19:53

My DD was the same - from newly 15 to newly 16 she had an increasingly all-consuming BF two years older than her.
A few weeks after starting a FE course, he broke up with her. At your DD and her BF's age it's unlikely to last for many more months and if they're seeing a lot of each other now it will hopefully burn out soon.
You have my sympathy - it's soo frustrating watching your DC make poor choices.

chocoluvva · 11/12/2012 19:55

Fingers crossed that he gets a full-time job soon!

Doinmummy · 11/12/2012 20:01

You have my sympathy. DD also has a BF who she is glued to . They're at the same school and are together ALL the time. She does still see her girl friend though, albeit with the BF. I've given up trying to advise her. . . I , apparently, know nothing!

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2012 20:08

Personally, I would sit DD and her boyfriend down and tell them both that this is an exam year and it is important. And that if DD's grades drop at all then she will have to spend more time on her books and less time with him. THe onus is then on her to not drop her grades.

All 'you don't understand's to be met with 'I understand all too well. Stop being a drama queen, it is very childish. Are you 16 or 6?'

And I'd tick her off about dropping her friends.

Mumofjz · 11/12/2012 22:25

Totally agree with whereyouleftit

flow4 · 11/12/2012 22:48

I did this. Makes me feel a bit nostalgic thinking about it tbh :)
There will be no reasoning with her... She's being guided by hormones, not reason!
I didn't do as well as predicted at 'A' level; but if it's any consolation, I did fine in the end (I even got myself a research job, post-grad qualification and university and FE teaching jobs)... She may well get her act together in time for exams. And if she doesn't, well, I know the pressure is on, but it isn't her one-and-only-chance: if she's academic and motivated, she can do re-takes, and probably do even better, because she'll have had a bit of a wake-up call!

Original poster

niceguy2 · 11/12/2012 23:46

It's not so much her grades I'm worried about. She's an A/A* student all round really so she can afford to drop a grade or two and still get into college. (Not that I will ever say that to her!)

It's the fact she's doing nothing but seeing her BF then crying when she's not with him because she's apparently '....got nothing in my life to look forward to except '

Her attitude is utterly selfish and rarely considers others. The other week when Breaking Dawn came out, her friends wanted to go see it together but one of them was busy on the Sat. So instead of waiting and seeing it together, she just skipped off with her BF to see it.

She doesn't like to go anywhere with us unless he comes. She doesn't even sit and watch TV with us anymore.

I've told her earlier when she came in briefly to grab some stuff that I've said my piece. She knows my opinion now so I will drop it since it's her life. What else can I do!?!?!

I wonder at what age our parents learned to trust our judgement or do they secretly sit there like I am wishing I could bang her head against a wall until some sense crept in???

OP posts:

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 11/12/2012 23:53

My parents put a limit on it. My then boyfriend was only allowed over two days during the week, and I was only allowed to his one day of the weekend. I of course thought they were evil.

Maybe its worth having a chat with his parents? Quietly, obviously. And for a 17 year old lad, it sounds like he's got his head screwed on reasonably well at least.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2012 23:53

this all sounds utterly par for the course to me, ng

been there, just coming out the other side

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2012 23:54

she has contraception sorted out, yes ?

flow4 · 12/12/2012 00:07

If you're not worried about grades, then I'd say ignore it. It's normal. It's just hormones. It will pass.
But like AnyFucker says, make sure she's got contraception properly sorted.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 00:10

ack, they have contraception sorted out, yes ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 00:11

ack, they have contraception sorted out, yes ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 00:11

it's best I go to bed now < rubs eyes >

BOFingSanta · 12/12/2012 00:15

Yes, normal. But be there for her, and keep on her case about boundaries and being sensible

Original poster

niceguy2 · 12/12/2012 10:03

Noooooooooooo. lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

I've got my head firmly in the sand with regards to contraception but I have spoken to my OH about it and she in turn has spoken to DD about it and offered to take her to the Dr's to sort the pill out but she's assured my OH that its not at that stage (yet).

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 15:25

ha!, you sound like my DH

"nope ! that ain't happening...erm, could you sort it please AF and then don't ever mention it to me again...?"

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2012 15:26

contraceptive injection is the way to go...no chance of forgetting that little daily pill

tell your OH I said that

SecretSantaSquirrels · 12/12/2012 16:58

There Is Nothing You Can Do.
DS1 was exactly the same. My only (and constant) complaint about his GF was that he neglected his friends.
Two years later when they broke up he said "you were right mum". He felt quite alone and I think he learned his lesson.He now tries to keep up to date with his friends, although he does seem to prefer the company of girls as friends more than the lads.

rosabud · 13/12/2012 10:03

I think your daughter is right. You don't undestand. How can you feel you know enough to lecture her on how/when/why she should be conducting her relationship with her boyfirend and girlfriends, yet you won't give her the advice/information/consideration of even to speaking to her about her potential sexual relationships? To try and acknowledge/treat her as if she is capable of having a young adult relationship but to get OH to deal with the real core nitty gritty stuff of having a young relationship means that you are being one-sided and, essentially, treating her like a child - but she is not a child any longer. She is an inexperienced young adult who needs guidance - from someone who needs to understand that.

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