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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 yo daughter self harming! need advice!

14 replies

funnymummy9 · 26/11/2012 21:46

Okay, so recently, teenage daughter confided in me that she's got feelings for girls as well as guys and she thinks she might be bisexual. We had a long chat about it and she also confided in me that she had self-harmed over her questions about her sexuality. She lifted up her t-shirt ever so slighty to reveal many cuts, scars and bruises all over her chest and I was horrified! She burst out crying and I couldn't help her because I was in shock!

So to cut a long story very short, I want to get her help but I don't what to do! Do I get her a counsellor? Talk to her school? Any suggestions would be great!

OP posts:

valpollicella · 26/11/2012 21:53

Sorry to hear of this - would she be willing to visit the GP do you think? They would be able (I think) to refer her for counselling and help for her self harm?

Does she want help? I only ask that as it will be easier to help her to get what she needs if she wants to iyswim

Original poster

funnymummy9 · 26/11/2012 21:56

I don't know, she's been trying to avoid me a lot lately, I'll defo sit her down and have a proper talk with her. Thank you for your answer.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 26/11/2012 22:03

Hi there. I self harmed through my teens, if there's any questions you want to ask me via private message, then please do.

I would say that the fact she has told you all of this is a big vote of confidence in you from her, and one you really should take as a positive sign that she wants to get on top of things.

You could take her to the doctors, but (and this bit will be hard to hear) before you do anything like that, you need to ask her if she wants to stop the self harm. Because if she doesn't and you try and force her to get help before she is ready to, that might do more damage. If she does want to get help, then the either the GP, nurse or school counselor are all possibilities.

If she has had the faith in you to tell you think, I wouldn't tell the school what is going on. You could ask them how things are at school currently, because you have noticed some changes in her.

If its her sexuality that is causing her to feel overwhelmed, maybe one of the young peoples LGBT groups may be good?

Big hugs, I know this must be hard for you to witness.

SirBoobAlot · 26/11/2012 22:06

Also - try not to make a big deal over it, whilst still acknowledging that she has been using it as a coping strategy. A lot of people use self harm at some period in time to deal with emotional periods in their life.

44SoStartingOver · 26/11/2012 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

funnymummy9 · 26/11/2012 22:09

Thank you for your answer, I just feel powerless and like a horrible mother to her. I am happy that she's confided in me though.

OP posts:

ATourchOfInsanity · 26/11/2012 22:10

What SirBoob said. I also self harmed and agree that it seems to be something you grow out of as you discover new ways to cope. Only one person knew about mine as I hid it very very well.. so it is indeed a great vote of confidence that she has told you. Hope it all goes well and you find a way to help if she wants it.

SirBoobAlot · 26/11/2012 22:11

Powerless, yes. Horrible mother, no. This is not your fault. Its not even hers.

ATourchOfInsanity · 26/11/2012 22:12

Also feel free to pm me if you have any Q's :)

Original poster

funnymummy9 · 26/11/2012 22:13

I don't even mind if she is bisexual, I just want her to be happy

OP posts:

ATourchOfInsanity · 26/11/2012 22:18

Of course you want her to be happy. She knows this which is why she came to you. It does bode well that she has told you. I kept mine secret on and off for 7 years before finally realising I could do without it and break my cycle. I am hoping her telling you shows she doesn't want to do it any more.

Original poster

funnymummy9 · 26/11/2012 22:35

I hope so too x

OP posts:

ohthedandy · 28/11/2012 22:18

Try the young minds organisation (www.youngminds.org.uk) - they have a parents' helpline 0808 802 5544. Really helped me to actually talk to someone and they sent me a couple of booklets which I gave to my dd. She didn't want to talk to anyone about her self-harming, but I think it helped her to know that I was trying to help her.

The booklets were "mini" really, with pointers about teenage
issues (including sexuality), so your dd might find that helpful too.

It is scary and I was frantic when I realised what was happening with my dd(about a year ago). She still hurts herself when really stressed, but seems to be finding coping much easier now.

SittingInTheKitchenSink · 29/11/2012 21:24

What the others said... a hugely positive sign that she could tell you. My mother still doesn't know about my self harming (20 years ago) - and she'd be horrified if I told her so it is a real vote of confidence in you as a mum.

For her, its a coping mechanism to deal with pain and confusion and if she can talk to you, she's well on the way to being able to handle things without self harming.

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