very willful and cheeky 17 yo daughter

[alexdad1]

Hi, am looking for some help/advice.

Am concerned my daughter is showing signs of going off the rails, she has a proper attitude problem, acting as she pleases, i recently discovered she has been stealing money from me (which she will not admit).

I have tried umpteen different approaches to instill some discipline and responsibility but nothing has worked, help!

The stealing money is a problem, but she is 17 so she can act as she pleases to a certain extent.

What sort of things is she doing?

terrible cheek and disrespect, quite cruel sometimes, disrespecting the flat, very messy etc.

Hi alexdad... "terrible cheek and disrespect, quite cruel sometimes, disrespecting the flat, very messy" sounds absolutely normal.

Stealing is common but normal (if you see what I mean). Was it a one-off? If not, how much has she stolen?

Can you give some more details of what you mean by "showing signs of going off the rails"? Are there specific things that are causing concern?

Sadly all of the above listed are perfectly normal behaviour in teens.. except the stealing.. and that is also a lot more common that you'd imagine (if you trawl back through posts on here you will see that many of us have had to deal with theft)

A few questions.. in what way is she really pushing boundaries? Is she at school still or working? If at school, is she staying out all night and not getting her work done or is she still on top of it? If working then I would say she was entitled to have relative freedom as long as she pays rent and adheres to a level of decency as far as letting you know her comings and goings. If she is at school I would expect her to be taking responsibility for her work and not being out a lot on school nights but would expect a 17 yr old to have some late nights at the weekend!

Teenagers are vile, messy creatures.. if she hasn't been up til now you have been quite lucky! Two of mine are moderately messy, two are frankly revolting, Stig of the Dump level creatures. But as long as they/we muck out their rooms now and again I have accepted it's their mess and they have to live with it.

Does she had sufficient money of her own? If she doesn't have a p/t job or an allowance she may be stealing to keep up with friends (my DS1 did this before he got a job). I used to give mine their family allowance ..obviously I still bought some clothes and toiletries etc but they were responsible for extras and for their social lives.. it was just enough to tide them over til they got p/t jobs. If she does have a decent amount of her own then I would be a) getting a small combination safe and keeping me stuff in there (we did this) and b) threatening her with the police (did this too). The combination eventually worked.

Is she doing other things too?