Please help with my dd age 12, i am overwhelmed.

[sprout44]

I have 3 dd's but the oldest now 12 plus has always being the most difficult child you could ever imagine. She is so strong willed , bossy, argumative, bullies her other two sisters to death especially the next closest in age to her dd 11. The problem has just got worse now, she never gives me a minutes peace. Now we are in Belgium for a few years and i have tried Homeopathy and bringing her to the gp but no effect if any. In particular, i do not get on with her, i feel i resent her now so much and she knows it but only acts out worse. I have tried many angels with her but in the end nothing works for long. At the moment with them being off school i feel like i am going to go berserk with, when she gets up she is moody and can have 5-6 tantrums and screaming throughout the day. Its really a long story but i am a bit lost how to handle her. I hate this age, they turn in to devils, beam me up Scotty;; Any body have any advice on something that worked for them. I just want her to calm down and not get so angry all the time , its like living with a time bomb. This is awful to say but i love her but have started to dislike her, and i hate that she is so mean and selfish and never makes any effort to improve.
ps she is wonderful to her friends and no trouble in school.

Common problem. I think you're probably frightened to discipline her 'harshly' for want of a better word, for fear of her kicking off even more. My dd sounds just like yours. Mine is now 13, headstrong, awkward and stubborn. Angel elsewhere! From day 1 with her I've always clamped down and not let her get away with her behaviour. She still challenges every day though! I keep thinking that after 13 years of not getting away with her behaviour then surely she realises its pointless pushing the boundaries?! I think your only solution is to find a punishment that works, stick to it no matter how difficult it is. My dd lives on her blackberry so her punishment is to have that taken away if she doesn't stop her behaviour when told. In 8 months I've only had to take it away 3 times!! Blackberry has been my saviour!

I'd try to get her involved in some sort of sport or hobby to help her feel better about herself. She doesn't sound a very happy girl and she must see that you have a better relationship with the others. How could you not, but also how could she not see that?

I really feel for you - it's bad enough when they're 16 but at 12 you know you have so many more years ahead of you.

Sounds like my friends eldest. The same age. We thought that because this started at about 10 she would be out of it by 15, was that naive? Do you think its something to do with being the eldest?

I sympathise but you do need to deal with your feelings. My DD at 12 can be completely irrational and when her 16 yr old bro. loses patience, I tell him how he was at 12! However hard it is, you need to be on their side, understand she is finding her hormones or her place in the family/world tough right now. When she is calm , can you talk about why she feels angry? Why is she 'mean' to her siblings? Remember, this is your slant - and do you need to be more understanding.

I'm not judging, had a DS with SEN so behaviour has been a real issue in my home but with DH support we have steered him to be a charming, successful 16 yr old - most of the time

I feel for you . Some days parenting is just so tough. I would say encourage her to talk when she is calm so she gets to explore in a supportive environment why she behaves as she does and of course be gently firm when she bullys - she must not. Calm and assertively - that is not acceptable. This approach over a number of years really worked for us.

I'm sure you have tried it all but don't give in - she is worth it!

Nope, mine's number 2 out of 4 ... It's just their strong personality.