How much time do you spend with your teenager?

[TheOneWithTheGoldMedals]

Ds1 is 16 and since he's finished school at the beginning of June I feel like I never see him. He gets up, showers and goes out. He comes back for dinner and the goes out again. When he gets in he goes straight to his room. (It sounds even worse written down).

I don't know if this is normal and ok or if I need to make him spend more time with the rest of us which he doesn't want to do. He doesn't hate us. He just seems to not think about us at all. :(

Mine's not a teen yet but I am feeling really guilty - she is 12 - gets up late, and then either stays in her room or the other lounge watching tv. She does have a loan pony and I take her to and from the stables etc, but mostly she does not want to be seen with me - she even ducks down in the car when we drive through the village and makes me turn down Radio 4.

In a morning I consider getting her up early but then change my mind as I would then have to deal with her attitude and listen to myself saying, once again, "Why don't you read a book?"

I am hoping she will grow out of it soon.

Ruby the dcs eat together and I sit with them so yes in a way.

Tried to get him to watch the opening ceremony with us. He wasn't interested.

If I try to talk to him he's fine. Not aggressive or horrible/moody, unless we don't give him his own way when he has a tantrum. You know the usual.

He's a good lad. He's rarely late, doesn't get into trouble etc. he just seems completely indifferent.

Fair enough. Thanks.

It just occurred to me this morning that maybe I should make him get involved more but there's no point trying to force it. It's nice that this is the one holiday in a couple of years where he hasn't had to think about school work so I should let him make the most of it without nagging.

Sounds very normal to me! My older DS is 19 now and working , but when he is home he showers, grabs food and disappears out again..and has done since he was about 16. His sisters (18 and 20) have always been much more 'home bodies' and content to be with us.

The only thing I insist on is that when they are all home on a sunday, we eat dinner together..just once a week! It works well for us ..our sunday dinners are great catch up, share, laugh, times that we all value round the dining table. The rest of the week we tend to pass each other, but it's enough to keep the family bonded:)

Thanks Medusa it's good to hear he's not the only one.

I've seen him for about 5 minutes today.

I insist that my DCs do housework in the hols. It's supposed to be every day but isn't really.
I've just had a text conversation with my DS13 re his current whereabouts and the company he's in.
DD (nearly 16) and I went for a walk today, but I know none of her friends are around today (she was going to go on a day trip with them, but she had an admin mix up).
On Friday I'm taking her and her friend and DS and his friend out on friday.
She sometimes goes shopping with me - bank of mum and dad-.
We go to hobby events that we both like over the winter.
I think it'll be different with DS when he's that age though. We watch the tv together sometimes and we've had some (lovely) day trips in the hols, but I'm nearly broke now!

Medals, I don't like my DCs spending hours and hours playing video games or facebooking. Being out and about is probably healthier.

Sounds pretty normal to me, and, as you say, he is getting up and going out each day, and returning to eat dinner together. I think that's about as good as it gets at the moment (speaking as the owner of one of these 16yr olds too)

Thanks everyone. He does help me in the house when I ask and most of the time without a tantrum.

He plays football on the park or goes to friends houses and I usually know if he goes to town etc because he tells me.

I know I'm pretty lucky as these things go. I was just worried that he would carry on growing away from us until he moved out and there was no contact at all. I sometimes think he wouldn't be bothered by that at all.

you need to find a common interest, how about family day out somewhere, mcdonalds, shopping

He's not bothered now as he is 16 and his new found freedom is all consuming.

Give it a few years and he will be back! Hopefully with all the life skills he needs to be an independent adult but a desire for the family sense of community.

If you can get through these years with him remaining polite and coming home for dinner regularly and not creating massive domestic issues I think you're winning.

Thank you for that Felicity. That is my biggest hope for him and what I believe will happen.

I have to hold on to that really.

Don't sweat the small stuff!

normal here too i wish i could see more of mine but they are growing up to be independent
so that's all good

I was like this when I was 16 treated the place like a hotel but my DS is at home most of the time as we live very remotely and he doesn't have a large circle of friends.
Everyone is different, I think, if your DS is happy, that's the main thing.

Eating together works best our family (3 DC's 15,18 and 19). Not every day but a few times a week. We also go to a restaurant as a family once a week. The same restaurant......every week! It is cheap'ish and the lure of the unhealthy food outways having to spend time with the parents. we don't spend long but everyone enjoys it so it doesnt seem forced. Also, because it's every week the older DC's keep it clear by choice, or go out with their pals afterwards.

I have two DS's, 16 and 17, and yes what you are experiencing is very normal.
My two can quite happily spend all day every day cooped up in their rooms.
However, we do have an evening meal as a family every day without fail, and when my mum was in hospital recently both DS's were more than happy to visit with me.
Just yesterday we returned from what may be our last family holiday and we all had a great time.
So don't worry too much - the vast majority of teenagers communicat online these days as I'm sure you know, and it won't be long before college or uni starts again!

we spend loads of time together and the kids seem happy with that, although in the hols they are out with their pals doing sport or hanging out most days

they never spend all day in their rooms, thank god

I hardly ever see my 15 year old ds....he spends all his time in his room.
My 13 year old ds is out a lot, especially in the hols but i do see more of him during a school week.
I suppose i see my 10 year old ds the most but either he is in his room on xbox or out playing in the street...think its just part of growing up tbh

Thanks everyone. Ds doesn't spend loads of time in his room. He's never there.

We do sit together for dinner. It's the one thing I insist on.

I'm less concerned after all your replies so thank you. :)

exit, you must be my twin and our dd's must be related!!! everything you say and do is exactly the same here down to the radio4 turn off and i seemed to have spent years saying why don,t you read a book!!!

That's normal tenage behaviour. The only rule we had in our house at that age was that we all sat down togehter for the evening mael. If they were going out for tea they had to let me know. DD2 would come for tea say a few words and rush off as soon as she'd finished eating but at least it meant we saw her :)

Geranium3 Maybe we are each other in a parallel universe?