14 year old and sex texts

[febel]

Hi, am not sure what to do..14 youngest daughter v mouthy last night and so i took phone off her as prev threatened. She went mad but I told her bf couldn't come rnd unless she lost it for last night. I still have it this morn. Because she has been acting a bit off lately i decided to check it (past history means altho I don't like doing this I will if I am worried about her) In fact she did say, check my phone if you want (barefaced lie) Once again we have sexual texts from a lad, luckily her age this time, not her bf, and also sexual ones from her. She seems to be playing with about 3 lads, and one I know is 18 (altho no sex texts to or from him) I feel sick cos I dont know what to do..she seems to measure her worth on successful flirtin as it were. She has had a bad time at school with friendships but I dont' know if that's her or their fault and has been ostrasized by one group so has been hanging around with another...and a girl who from her texts to my daughther is sleeping with her bf. (and her mu wd be DEVASTATED if she knew) How do I tackle this? We have preveiously had the talk about self worth etc and she seemed to take it in but ob no.

You mention she is the youngest. Would an older sibling be able to have a talk about her self worth and getting the wrong reputation?

I have two teenage DD's and they're very good at appearing to listen to me and then going back and doing what they're not supposed to. She really seems to have herself convinced that her self-worth is linked to her popularity with the boys which I agree is very worrying.

Can you not take a really hard line with her and refuse to return her phone until you feel you can trust her? I guess the contract is in your name so perhaps get the boys' numbers blocked?

The other thing i would consider is to call up a womens aid type centre....they often do courses on self-respect for women and children....maybe you could enrol her on one of those (i have seen them advertised at my local childrens centre)

Thankk you, and yes I think she is linking self esteem with boys..and it won't get much better cos she is (and has for a lot of her time at senior school) not having a good time at school lately...again. I have unfortunately given her her phone back now but another time will retain it for longer! Did mention perhaps talking to sisters but she thinks they hate her (!) They dont, but she does have a bad habit of taking their things without asking and not giving back, altho hasn't done it for a few weeks, and hopefully not again! They also don't like the disrespectful and to be frank, arsey, way she can talk to me at times. I had a good , and calm, except for her crying, talk with her yesterday and once again things are difficult at school...friendship groups ostrazing her etc She darent even go to the toilet in the school cos apparantly "all the chavs hang out there and talk about you and watch you" (may phone shcool on the quiet about this)
Am at my wits end and not sure what to do although if the bullying doesn't stop after xmas I will be contacting school. However, the boy problem remains....

Thought we'd finished with this but oh no. Still going on, despite thinking we had talked it over, and she had sent relevant lad a text to say stop it ()I didn't suggest this she did) and agreed it wasn't repectful etc. Am I living in the dark ages? Am I over reacting? Is it a normal and "healthy" thing to be doig...texting back and forth sexual texts about licking p*ssy, sh*ging (not sure how open forums are hence the stars!) She was using her old phone and her behaviour was suspicious again..how I wish I hand't put my SIM in and checked it (it saves to phone not SIM..but she didn't realise this) Again, she says it makes her feel loved etc I have taken her phone off her but by doing so aren't I isolating her even more? (we do have a family phone she can use for emergencies or a bit of texting )
Dont' get me wrong, she has a loving family (well,- ish, her behaviour over the past year and attitude doen't endear her to her elder sisters, and they wdn't talk to her about this cos she'd bite their heads off))we do stuff, and I'm willing to do anything really to keep her amused (cheap preferabley!) and she plays in bands on a Saturday and goies to watersports on Wednesday..all social. Am I being unreasonable? 9oh..and found condoms in her drawer when looking for something on xmas day..she says they nicked them from school for a dare. Was tempted to leave them there..safety if the dirty deed happens...but was worried might encourage her!)
Am so fed up and let down, she is affecting our family as her elder middle sister can't stand the rows (ended up at her friends xmas eve as so upset) and has booked to move out in September.
I don't feel I know her at all, I feel like a foreign person in 14 year old country and I never felt like this with my elder two! HELP PLEASE!!

Ok the harsh bit first. If your DD is going to have sex better she has the condoms at hand, give them back or better yet sit her down and have the chat about what grown up people do to protect themselves. I say this OP as it seems that this is a many layerd thing and no one simple answer is possible. At any moment the school, or the family problems may end up taking your DD down a path that sees her act on an impulse.

You and your DD are not failing, if anything I feel your both trying very hard to communicate, she is acting out to get attention and you are willing to do as much as you can to help her. This is the basis I would suggest for a long term solution, but you need to change the way that you communicate as it at the moment is not working. I am sorry I have no answers only observations. My last observation is that your dd is neither right or wrong in doing as she does, she is making choices on what she feels is best for her. The best way to drive her into unwanted acts is to make her feel even more wrong and worthless. If she does choose to have sex or if she continues the sexy txts she is doing so as it seems like her best way to get the feelings as you have already said of worth that she craves.

I don't know if this would help, but when I was having a few problems with my 14 yr DD, I took her out on a one to one to a local shopping centre and stopped at Costa's for hot chocolate and cake and gently brought the subject up what is acceptable behaviour around boys. Because we were out, she couldn't throw a strop (she needed me to get her home anyway!!) and we ended up having a lovely girly heart to heart. I told her that it is so easy at her age to get a name for herself but she will spend her lifetime trying to get rid of it.
It's such a shame that girls feel that they have to have a boyfriend to feel that they are worth something. My DD has now decided that boys aren't worth the hassle and would rather hang out with her friends (some of whom are just boy mates).
Am sure this is a phase your own DD is going through. x

Where's Dad in all this ?

Herewith a view from a father of prenage daughter and teenage son.

It's very easy to forget that before we blinked they were children whose actions only had consequences which lasted as long as the naughty step, being sent to your room or having the xBox turned off. It's difficult to move from child to adolescent and get it all right all at once all the time. They feel VERY grown up and switched on when they can talk about sex and drugs and rock n roll but they know, deep down, that they don't quite geddit yet...

Try the "tattoo" analogy:
Let's get a tattoo today of your favourite band, boy or beer. But you're wise enough to know (insert name) that in a month it will look out of date and stupid. Use this to introduce the idea (which teens are only just getting their heads around) that what we do today can make permanent marks on us in many different ways. Get a tattoo on your back and only other people can see it. Tattoo on your back = one that other people put there for you because of the the things you do, the way you behave (reputation) etc.,

This is best delivered of course while standing outside a tattoo parlour...
"Shall we go in..." ?

Added benefit - might put them off ever actually having a real tattoo

The thing is, I have discussed all the things you mentioned before, and we've discussed self respect, how when things are written down they are down forever etc...and she seems to agree and nod...and then it's happend again. Am tempted to embaress her and him phone lad and speak to him civilly and let hiim know I have seen texts....and not to sext her again...

I'm coming at this as the mother of a 14 yr old boy who's been sending extremely explicit texts to a 14 yr old girl for several months now

We've had several chats along the lines eveyone suggests and he nods and says he gets it ... And then it starts all over again. In my ds's case there are photos involved - she's been sending him loads of topless photos of herself and I've said that if I find any more on his phone (and I will do random spot checks) that I will get in touch with her mum. What really upsets me is that this girl feels the only way she can be popular is to 'put out' online IYSWIM

Just to add Dh had a 'man-to-man' talk with him and it is all just fantasy , like your dd, the two of them would never dream of saying things like that out loud to each other