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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help my d13 year old daughter is a loner.

19 replies

kajosem · 28/07/2011 07:20

I'm worried about my 13 year old daughter (youngest of 3 - other two left home now). She isn't interested in socialising, although she seems happy this way and enjoys reading, drawing and watching T.V. Should I leave her be or encourage her to meet up and socialise with friends? We live in the countryside far away from others so its not easy for her to meet up. However she is adament she doesn't want to move house either. Me and my husband are also quite anti-social and I would hate her to be like us. When I see the facebook antics of her friends (which she follows avidly), I realise what she's losing out on. Does anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 28/07/2011 08:26

If she is content in herself then she isn't losing out. Some people are extroverts and some are introverts. It is absolutely fine to be an introvert.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 28/07/2011 12:12

I was like this. I now have 2 dc's like this

I lived in the middle of nowhere too and it has to be said that is an issue, but nowt much you can do about it. You can offer to help with socialising - offer to take a group to the cinema or something, ring x's mum etc - but ultimately it is your daughter's decision. If she really is happy like this, then leave her be - sometimes enforced socialising can be more isolating than being on your own, I think.

Agree Facebook antics are work of devil. Ignore, ignore ignore

I used to spend entire summer hols without seeing any 'friends', a bit lonely but not at all unhappy iykwim. I then really came out of my shell at university so it doesn't mean a life of being anti-social.

AMumInScotland · 28/07/2011 12:50

If she's happy, why would you want to force her to do things she doesn't want to do, just because you think she ought to be different? Let her be herself - so long as you believe she genuinely isn't unhappy about her lifestyle.

As she gets older, she may want to do different things, or she may not. Some adults are quite happy in their own company, there's nothing wrong with being self-contained and not that bothered about socialising, so long as she has adequate social skills when she does find herself in company.

54321 · 28/07/2011 23:12

I was the same until I reached my late teens then it just started and my parents were relieved, now I love to stay at home again. don't worry the world is full of different types of people.

BehindLockNumberNine · 28/07/2011 23:20

Ds is nearly 12. He has made a few half hearted attempts to meet friends during the school holiday so far but is really not bothered about not meeting them.
I asked him earlier if he was going to contact any to make any plans and he said, not worried if I don't, it is my summer holiday I enjoy chilling at home.

I can kind of see where he is coming from. As a child/teen and found socialising exhausting. And school holidays were a welcome break, where I could be myself without trying to fit in.

Ds has had a great day today coming with me to meet the dog we are adopting next week, playing on the trampoline with his sister (age 8), watching a Shrek dvd and making a Lego model.

He is content just doing what he wants to do.

BehindLockNumberNine · 28/07/2011 23:21

Bah, that should be 'as a child / teen I not and

twentyten · 29/07/2011 17:30

Loner does not always mean lonely - my dd(14) is happy in her own /our company but beginning(only now) to make a bit more effort socially- I think that as long as they are happy in their own company and resourceful that's really useful skills for life.

Don't worry-enjoy her company

penneyann · 29/07/2011 23:38

My 13 almost 14 yr old dd is the very same. She spends every school holiday practically on her own. I am constantly trying to get her to arrange to meet up with friends etc but she just has no interest. Loves school but no interest in anything outside of school. She has a facebook acc. but doesnt use it either. I have given up for now and am just letting her be and hopefully it will change as she gets older. Its good to hear that others have been like that,Grunge and 54321, and have emerged as normal ,sociable individuals. We also live in country .

Original poster

kajosem · 31/07/2011 07:39

Thanks so much for everyones replies. I'll leave her be and enjoy her company as 'twentyten' says. Penneyann - your daughter sounds like a carbon copy of mine! I'm so glad I joined mumsnet as this is my first blog. Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 31/07/2011 07:49

They are all different and as long as she is happy it is fine. People who were loners like the idea of a madly popular DC in the middle of a social whirl, but in reality the DC is more likely to take after them. The worst thing that you can do is force them or make them feel it is abnormal.

tawrag · 31/07/2011 07:53

DD3 is ten now and the others have left. I shall be delighted if she's content to be at home when she's thirteen. They socialise at school, don't they?

mumblechum1 · 31/07/2011 07:57

exotic, that seems so obvious when I see it written down, but I hadn't thought of it before. I was a loner, all I wanted to do when I was 13 was sit in my room and read books about horses, so I was delighted when ds seemed to be v sociable, but when he goes through phases of not bothering I get really twitchy about it and can hear my mother in my head, all "get out in the fresh air and go and talk to that gang of people playing in the street" - it didn't work with me and it doesn't with him.

He is actually pretty sociable and has a wide friendship circle but equally, if no one phoned him he would happily sit in his room and watch 4 DVDs on the trot.

exoticfruits · 31/07/2011 08:35

At 13 yrs I was very happy idling the summer away with a book-I now have my youngest DS who is similar(except thecomputer) and I can't help thinking,'I wish he was out and about with lots of friends'. I think that it is ingrained that this is 'better'. They do it all in their own time.
I am much more sociable now, although I still like to curl up with a good book. My BIL was very reclusive at that age but in his 40's you would never guess. I think that we worry too much.
If they were loners and it was upsetting them it would be different, you would need to try and help- but if they are loners and happy I would just leave them be.

exoticfruits · 31/07/2011 08:39

My DS is similar-if someone phones and asks him to do something he will happily go off-he just won't initiate.
My eldest DS (who used to be similar) explained it once. He said that if he was the one to phone the onus was on him to do something interesting. I think a lot of it is laziness-if someone else suggests it they can just find it boring and come home-if they suggested it they feel they need to make it work.

QOD · 31/07/2011 08:55

My DD is the same, unless I organise something with primary school friends then she won't do anything. Her particular group of friends are a 4 some - she won't consider having anything to do with any of them individually. Yet I see on (her) facebook that they meet all the time - in 2 and 3 somes, and don't even invite her along. Worries me as to whether they don't like her or is it just her general stand offishness ...

Original poster

kajosem · 09/10/2011 21:43

QOD. I know how you feel. You just want them to be liked and accepted.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 10/10/2011 09:42

If she is happy don't worry she'll probably Start socialising when she's a bit older. DD3 was like this at 13 but she began going with friends at 14 but didn't really socialise properly until she was 15. Is there a local club your DD could join. DD3 always had more friends at her Drama club then school. She is now 19 and goes to college she has lots of friends but only a few close friends who she goes put with.

Mumof3beautifulchildren · 10/10/2011 11:42

I could have written this myself, in fact if you look in the threads I did a couple of days ago. My 11 year old DD has just started high school and is the same. She loves to be at home with my DH and I and our DD (9) and DS (4). She have a Facebook account but doesnt use it to chat just to play games. She decided not to be close friends with the girls from her primary school when she moved up , basically as there was some bullying going on and TBH she wasnt a social extrovert like them. All they were interested in were boys where as my DD ismore interested in what job she wants to do when shes older. Shes made new friends at high school but doesn't seem to want to meet them out of school. I've decided not to push her anymore because TBH I enjoy having her with me, shes a kind, polite girl who is really good company and I want to enjoy this time with her as I know one day it will probably come where she wants to be with her friends more :) Hope this helps, even if its just to know that your not alone xxx

inashizzle · 10/10/2011 13:17

Hi first time on mumsnet myself too! My daughter is vey sociable and embraces every apect of school but come weekends or school holidays she becomes bit of a hermit. By the time theyget home from school many kids have had enough for the night.It would get to a point where she would be bored and a bit cranky and i would end up saying well arrange something if you want to as i can,t do it all for you, they are your friends!She would if something interested her like cinema but if it was general dossing she isn't interested.

At the same time i am delighted she is not roaming the streets or hanging out at parks,shops etc or breaking her neck to go to youngsters nightclubs-yet!

my dd has just turned 14 and the emotional hormones raging so t.b.h. the longer they are content to stay in or at least away from teenage hotspots the better!As teenagers we just wern't aloud to roam. At the time our parents would not tolerate roaming around and i think thank god now i acted my age and had less to get negatively involved in! Here's too keeping kids kids for as long as poss.Good luck

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