12 yr old DD is bewitched by toxic girl - help!

[exasperatedemma]

My DD who is coming to the end of yr 7 in a mixed school has hooked up with a dreadful girl who controls her. DD has changed from kind, confident, bubbly girl to one who can't make a move without getting approval from the toxic one. DD has dropped all her other friends and activities - the friends, I suspect have probably moved away from her as this girl is violent, mouthy and generally nasty and my dd is becoming the same. It's like my dd is in a 'cult' - the parents of the toxic one are doing a really good job of impressing my dd with their new wealth, designer clothes and flash cars etc and constantly enticing her round there. My dd and the toxic one had a row the other week, and the toxic one turned up at our house with 8 boys to confront dd! Very intimidating for her.

Now I know that some of the behaviour my dd is just her age, but am so worried that she'll never be able to extricate herself from the clutches of the toxic one - scared that anything I say will just drive her closer to her and that she would start lying about where she is. Any advice gratefully received!

Sympathies (have dd same age - horrible isn't it?). TBH I wouldn't let her see this friend outside school at all, though not sure if that's an option for you?

Hopefully the summer holidays will give her a break long enough to become her own person again. Can you see if she wants to arrange for other girls to come over during the holidays?

Do you monitor her facebook, email etc? assuming she has accounts?

What about friends from primary? Atre there clubs locally she can join to see a different group of people?

Thanks Titchy, good advice, I'm hoping too that the summer hols will put a break in things, especially as our holidays overlap and so she won't be with her for 3 weeks.

I'll continue to suggest she invite different girls over/out - but so far she always refuses and only wants the toxic one or nothing.

Same thing with other activities, no interest unless the toxic one comes too and if she doesn't - dd doesn't go!

She might have a rather dull summer holiday then!

Yep, and I'll be on the receiving end of it!!!

Maybe might be good to stop thinking of her as "toxic"- just because it makes her sound invincible and all-controlling. She's 12!

ds was a bit like this with a boy from school in y7 (v wealthy, ex-premiership footballer's son, flashy lifestyle, wildchild behaviour) - however after a few months ds realised by himself that this boy was really a loser - he now barely talks to him and talks about him quite disparagingly because he doesn't learn from his mistakes and still acts like a prat ... it was very difficult for me to say anything negative about him while the spell lasted though

You could be right about the 'toxic' label - I think I see her as all-controlling because I've never seen anyone have that sort of power over my DD before!

Thanks generalhaig -that does give me a bit of hope, dd certainly was shocked at some of the 'friend's' behaviour with several boys recently so hopefully the values we've tried to instill are in there somewhere!

Your post could be mine as I am having similar problems with my daughter(also 12) You have my sympathies.I , unfortunately have voiced my concerns about this girl, my daughter knows EXACTLY what I think of her and why.I think in my daughters case it could be an alpha female thing as this girl seems like a real bully and everyone does her bidding(often getting into trouble in the process) as they are too scared not too.At the weekend this girl gave my daughter a wedgie in front of all their friends(boys included) snatched her Blackberry off of her and wanted to play catch with it and tried to tread all over my daughters new shoes(it was wet) This girl seems to have no respect for other peoples property and any trouble my daughter has been in just recently, this girl has been involved in it in some way or other but she is so slippery she doesn't seem to get in trouble.She seems very sly and manipulative and is currently blackmailing my daughter over something my daughter foolishly confided in her about a boy she likes.My daughter is not scared of her, I think this is where the alpha female thing is coming in but realises that she can and would take her friends away from her, how nasty is that? This girl also comes from a privaleged background, is super polite to me but far too confident for my liking and seems to be able to do whatever she likes as her mum works very long hours.

I am hoping to try and put some distance between them during the 6 weeks but do not hold out that much hope.My daughter can see she is not very nice and it does impact rather negatively on her general attitude.

It may be worth getting a couple of books: "Queen Bees and Wannabees" and "Bullies, big mouths and so called friends".

Read them yourself and get your DD to read them then discuss the ideas and concepts involved.

It may also be worth getting your DD involved in some kind of hobby or sport to boost her self confidence so she can see through this girl and have a life that does not revolve around the terrible friend. It happened in a minor way to my DD although she was only 6 and the controlling friend was less experienced but I basically filled DD's time with other things and made sure she never saw the girl outside school. She has now moved schools and has a proper friend who is lovely.

Oh poor you soupdragon45, how awful for you and your DD. Girls can be so horrible to each other and its usually about the power/popularity game isn't it? Are you going away in the holidays? I'm hoping that with our holiday overlapping with this friend's' holiday which means they won't see each other for 3 weeks (plus my DD won't be taking her mobile abroad), that this will put sufficient time and space between them.

Miggsie - Happy to report that DD has just gone off to try out an athletics club - she loves running and I'm so hoping that she likes the club. Even though it's a 45 min drive away, I don't care! if it gets her involved in something else to distract her that she likes, that can only be a good thing. We try and limit the available opportunities she has to see this girl out of school too.

I'm going to check out those books, thank you. x

Good news - DD has joined the local athletics club so will be training twice a week. one of her other friends from school goes too and they all seemed a really nice bunch. It's a good opportunity to boost her self esteem in a different area away from the controlling friend.

Also, they have had a series of arguments over the last few days, and I think my DD is finally seeing what she is really like and is moving away from her voluntarily. I don't think its going to be easy though as the friend is trying to turn others against her and is spreading some lies about her. Hopefully the summer hols will put some distance between it all.