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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

UNSOCIABLE 14yr old daughter NOT interested in facebook etc

21 replies

scartette · 15/06/2011 23:47

My 14 yr old dd has no interest in facebook, although she has an account, and has no interest in hanging out with friends at weekends or school holidays. I'm worried that she is becoming too unsociable. Everyone says I should be glad that she not into facebook etc but tbh I'd prefer she was more like her friends.She is perfectly sociable at school and loves going in every day.Shes also very shy around adults etc . Has anyone else ever had a concern like this?

OP posts:
superdragonmama · 16/06/2011 00:04

Never had this concern - was/am relieved that my kids (12,18,21) didn't/don't like Facebook, none of them.

They enjoyed/enjoy Real Life Grin

Original poster
scartette · 16/06/2011 00:13

Thanks for that Superdragonmama
Didnt think it possible that there are actually other teens who are not into facebook etc

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florapup · 16/06/2011 09:19

Could she be profoundly shy?

I only ask because my DS never wants to go out either and it was only when I mentioned it to a friend that they said they thought it was because he is very shy and lacks self confidence - which is true. Suddenly it all fell into place - it is not that he doesn't want to socialise it is just that he is too shy to join in!

We haven't got a solution yet though - just the reason for it!

Original poster
scartette · 16/06/2011 12:27

I think you are probably right,florapup. Its incredible- I thought I did all the right things- stayed at home with her, made sure she did all the usual things like dancing,brownies,drama etc to ensure she would have plenty of confidence. Shes not an only child either! I sometimes think she would have been better off if I had returned to work when she was younger.
Whats the solution though? I'm blue in the face from praising her,encouraging her etc. Maybe if I just let her suit herself and see what happens.

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PlanetEarth · 16/06/2011 12:46

Just like my DD (13). Never asked for Facebook or email (in fact I've been wondering whether to get her on Facebook to try and help her socialise). She never meets up with friends. At primary she'd go out with friends if they came to call, but made no effort herself - now that her schoolfriends are further, she just doesn't bother. I was with her once when we ran into some of her old primary friends - they seemed very keen to meet up again, and from what I overheard they'd been sending her texts. She never has met up with them since though.

I'm not sure if she's particularly shy, I think she just doesn't need people and would rather be on her own. I could be wrong though - since she never tells me anything!

inthesticks · 16/06/2011 16:44

My 15 and 13 year olds are not interested in FB either thank goodness, from what I've seen it's pretty moronic. I definitely wouldn't be worried about that.

However DS2 sounds similar to your DD in that he has a good group of friends at school but refuses to socialise out of school. I'm always trying to persuade him to invite someone over or go out but he seems quite happy with his own company.

usualsuspect · 16/06/2011 16:48

If she doesn't like fb then fair enough .but what I will say is my ds and his friends use fb to organise their social lives

superdragonmama ..my ds has a Rl as well as using fb

mumeeee · 16/06/2011 17:06

WHen DD3 was 14 she didn't like FB and didn't have many friends, But at 15 was gradully becoming more sociable, She is now 19 has loads of friends and is always on Facebook, Just give your DD some time

Original poster
scartette · 16/06/2011 21:24

Thanks everyone. Feel so much better knowing there are more teens like her out there. Planetearth.my DD sounds so like your lady it unreal. The reason she has a facebook acc.is cause we encouraged,cajoled,and helped her set it up-can you believe any parents actually persuading their child to set up a fc acc. Like you, I also discovered schoolfriends been trying to text etc and inviting her to meet up but she just wont go most of the time. Occasionly she has done but not really keen. Can anyone believe she has never been on a sleepover.Ever! She has been asked loads of times but wont go. I've lost count of times I've suggested she has friends over to sleep but no good. Think I'll let her be for a while and see how it goes.

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Asinine · 16/06/2011 21:29

My DD13 has friends in school but does not see them much out of school. She is not on facebook through choice. I am sure they will find their feet socially outside school when they are ready. Remember she is socialising all day at school, just that you don't see it.

Mollydoggerson · 16/06/2011 21:31

I dislike facebook, attention seekers paradise, she sounds normal to me.

PlanetEarth · 16/06/2011 21:39

Scartette - my DD was invited to a sleepover party a couple of years ago. I knew her friends were going but thought she hadn't been invited (so of course didn't mention it to her). The morning after the party I found the invitation in the living room... she denied all knowledge of it (must have levitated there from her school bag then). I apologised to the birthday girl's mum, who said she'd given DD the invite personally and of course she knew about it! Who knows what goes on in their heads...

Incidentally, her cousin is very similar (and physically similar too), so I'm inclined to think that genetics play a part here. DD2 is totally different, talks non-stop and hates to be alone!

twentyten · 17/06/2011 21:55

My dd 13 is very similar. We put £40 credit on her phone two years ago before a school trip and there is £11 left!she has taken a long time to make one or two good friends but on the way has learnt to enjoy her own company and do what she wants- really important IMO not following the crowd. Happy and successful at school too but also happy in her skin. Some friends Dds will spend time with anyone rather than be alone. Enjoy her.

Original poster
scartette · 17/06/2011 23:38

twentyten, feel so much better. We put £20 on DD's phone two years ago and there's approx £18 left. Can you believe it?

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ilovearnold · 18/06/2011 16:08

From all the trouble ive heard about via face book, and the issues a third party communication ie not face to face( its just how i say it ...! can, but not always, give rise to- that of being rash and hitting a keyboard in a fit of offence/crossness or just being nasty has caused without having face to face contact has caused for friends dd s im really really glad mine doesnt go on it......
.Friends dd and ds expereince tells me that it can be downright nasty.People being excluded ,dumped etc.. Also, adult friends of mine have facebook and what i know of them over a glass of wine or cuppa is the" real "them with all their lovely humaness- not the golden life sometimes portrayed as a show off mode of facebook which it can seem to encorage like a keep up with the jones - what a speclacular life i have etc....whats wrong with real relationships.Please, dont worry ,be glad !! xx

nickelbabe · 18/06/2011 16:11

I didn't socialise with school friends either, until I went to 6th form college.

I just couldn't be bothered to do anything after school.
I don't think I would have done facebook either.

I suppose i was shy, but I did get bullied, too, so I think I was paranoid that if I spent time with my peers, that they would find something to pick on me about, and I wouldn't have any protection.

Not sainy that your DD might b being bullied, but I'm saying that it's realyl not worth worrying about - she'll socialise when she's ready. :)

(i did all the Brownies/Guides/nurse cadets etc too)

Bandwitch · 18/06/2011 16:14

Good for her. Any socialising she does will be REAL. If she hasn't got her confidence yet then maybe she realises that she doesn't have the armour for facebook. Not sure I do!

cory · 18/06/2011 18:12

My 14yo is quite sociable but will have no truck with facebook; she really dislikes the idea.

I was unsociable until I went to university- basically because I had nothing in common with the people I knew and got very tired of pretending. And they drank heavily which I didn't want to do.

In retrospect I don't see it as wasted time: all the reading I did between the ages of 12 and 18 meant I could afford to party when I got to uni Grin

peanutbutterkid · 18/06/2011 18:17

My parents used to harangue me to be more sociable. Their frequent carping underminded my self-confidence badly.

Off to look at all the boring stuff on Facebook, now.

twentyten · 18/06/2011 21:39

Glad it helped! My dd has finally met one or two friends more like her but it has taken a long time. We have tried to encourage her to do things she enjoys like golf and trampolining but giv ,e her plenty of time to slob about in pyjamas with the remote. I feel there is so much going on in their heads(and bodies) working out who they are. I feel the best we can do is support and give love and time. I agree reading is brilliant to help that search for identity.

Original poster
scartette · 18/06/2011 23:46

Thanks everyone - feel soooo much better bout whole issue. All your advice is really helpful!

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