Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can you trust your 18-yr-old?

20 replies

Ponders · 30/05/2011 20:18

We went on holiday about this time last year, when he was 17, leaving him with strict instructions not to have any kind of party.

He had one anyway, although we only found out gradually from random things misplaced & bottle tops in flowerpots etc. It was probably not bad by some teenage party standards but still, I was annoyed & upset.

This year we are doing it again (I forgot, OK Grin) & have said ABSOLUTELY NO PARTIES OF ANY KIND, on pain of me selling his Leeds ticket on ebay, but he smirks when I say it & clearly doesn't believe I mean it (but I do Hmm)

I'm pretty sure he will have at least a few friends round, & maybe many.

I hate the idea of his friends (& 'friends') casually roaming over my house, & hate even more that he lies to me & that I can't trust him.

Do you trust yours?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 30/05/2011 20:24

Yes I trust mine, she's 20 now. I'd trust my DS at 16 too.
If he lets you down, you must go through with the punishment. Do you have his ticket?
You need to be very clear though, you said no parties.
What's a party?
Two or three mates round for a DVD and a pizza?
Four or five mates and some music?
Mixed sex mates and sex?
Full-on with a hundred and the police?
if you don't make it clear exactly what you mean he's likely to say 'It was only a few friends, not a party'
Do you have a friend who can keep an eye on things?

mumblechum1 · 30/05/2011 20:28

We're leaving ds soon for a long weekend and have told him no parties, however I don't mind if he has maybe 4-6 mates round so long as they don't go mad.

It's ds's home as well, after all.

I will be mightily pissed off if he has an actual party, though, he knows literally hundreds of people (there's a lot of overlapping with friends in different schools) so what could start off as a small gathering could easily escalate.

I trust him but I don't trust some of his stoner alky shaganythinginaskirt friends

Original poster
Ponders · 30/05/2011 20:42

Goblinchild, last year it was 30-40 people, most of whom he knew, but according to him it was half a dozen (I found out later via photos from friends-of-friends on FB how many were actually here Hmm)

I don't mind a few friends (prob max 6) but he knows what I mean by a party.

mumblechum, yes, it's his home too, but teenagers generally have absolutely no respect for the fixtures & fittings & stuff of their friend's parents Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Ponders · 30/05/2011 20:44

& we are going for 2 weeks.....

his sister (older) should be here & another (even older) lives not far away but they tend to be a bit laissez-faire & then say "you should have forbidden him" (yeah, right)

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/05/2011 20:45

we went away for thenight and left the twins they didn't have a party - but i kind of expected they would

Goblinchild · 30/05/2011 20:49

Charge him for damages, cleaning and whatever if you need to. Smile
If you feel strongly about his friends roaming over his house, that's a problem you need to get to grips with, because if he lives there he should be able to have friends over. But you could put a lock on your room if you felt it necessary and if it made you feel calmer.

FrottageCod · 30/05/2011 20:59

My mum and dad left me in the house when they went on hols. I was really good as gold, but close friends let it slip, and uninvited friends of friends showed up. I chucked them out when I found one of them in the kitchen warming up a spoon, which I assume was to do something with heroin.

The boot is on the other foot now though, and I doubt I would let dd stay alone at 16, as I was then. Double standards all the way, me! Wink

Original poster
Ponders · 30/05/2011 21:12

Friends letting it slip to others is one of my worries, FC. He once had some 'friends' round, with permission, on an evening when we were in; strangers turned up, & nearly fainted when they knew we were here (but lurking!) but even so he struggled to enforce order & get people to leave when he knew we weren't happy with the situation.

OP posts:
kakapo · 30/05/2011 21:15

just a thought about selling his ticket, will it be legal? at 18, assuming he's paid for it, wouldn't it be theft to sell another's property on ebay?

if this is a problem, make sure you think of a consequence you can see through if he has a party - such as moves out and finds own flat since you can't trust him.

Original poster
Ponders · 30/05/2011 21:19

I booked the ticket, & so far he has only paid me for less than half of it, so technically it's still mine Smile (obv I would repay him the less-than-half he's paid)

he's going to uni in Sept. The Leeds ticket is the only thing I can enforce that he'll mind.

OP posts:
kakapo · 30/05/2011 21:31

I see... sounds like a good plan then!

It must be tempting to ship him off to stay with a great aunt for a few days Grin

Original poster
Ponders · 30/05/2011 21:43

very! Grin

But he has A2 exams while we're away so has to be able to get into college for them...

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 30/05/2011 21:58

'I booked the ticket, & so far he has only paid me for less than half of it, so technically it's still mine (obv I would repay him the less-than-half he's paid)'

Really? I wouldn't if he broke the agreement.

usualsuspect · 30/05/2011 22:04

I trust mine ...I know he would have a few friends round and I would be ok with that ..they roam about the house when I'm in anyway

theres usually one in the kitchen making tea Grin

BusyBodd · 30/05/2011 22:09

Ponders - Are you me???? I'm working on the basis that he's a year older and wiser...it's about all I've got :-)

I started to guess that something had happened when my bedroom was a bit too tidy??? and then when I moved some stuff around I found some female clothing in some odd places. When I called him on it he said "It's OK Mum, I supervised" My mind ran absolute riot at this point until he explained that, yes, he did have boys and girls stay over, but that he and a close male friend stayed in our room because he thought we would prefer that, and that the girls clothes were there because he made them get changed in there so they would have privacy. The way he put it, and the expression on his face were so sincere I had to believe that he had tried to think it through carefully and respect our room. It still makes me smile now.

glitzy · 01/06/2011 16:49

We just did, with 18 yo DD... while we were at the airport (less then 2 hours later) I had a look on FB (as you do) and she had her status as "party at mine tonight, all invited!" FFs!

Original poster
Ponders · 01/06/2011 19:01

BB & glitzy, glad I'm not the only one with an irresponsible child (though "It's OK Mum, I supervised" made me smile too!)

glitzy, what did you DO????? Shock too late to go home...were you able to send somebody round there to stand on the doorstep & turn them all away???

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 01/06/2011 19:27

Ponders, that's what Iwas wondering!

TheFeministsWife · 01/06/2011 22:14

Yes I do trust her. 2 years ago we went away for 4 days leaving her on her own. She was 16 (1 month off 17) at the time. She did have friends round and they were drinking but only getting ready for a night on the town. When we came back the place was actually tidier and cleaner than when we left it. She'd even cleaned the downstairs windows inside and out. SHe said she wanted it to look nice and tidy when her mates came round so they didn't think she lived in a pig sty. Blush

We might be going away in August with the little ones and she'll be on her own. She'll probably just have her boyfriend stay over.

glitzy · 02/06/2011 10:00

DH sent her a very stern email telling her to remove status immediately & and under no condition to have a party! The house was still standing when we got home, so all ended well Grin

New posts on this thread. Refresh page