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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

teen with older boyfriend

21 replies

sebone · 16/04/2011 14:59

my daughter is 18 and taking a gap year. She has started seeing a 30 year old man from the pub she has been working in. I'm not happy but I don't know what to do about it?

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 16/04/2011 15:06

There is nothing you can do and the more you point out how much you don't like him, the more appealing he will become to her.

My first boyfriend was 8 years older than me. My mum hated it and made this clear. She tried to stop me seeing him. I moved in with him instead.

noddyholder · 16/04/2011 15:10

I would be concerned too although am not sure why?

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 16/04/2011 15:15

There isn't much you can do about it. However, one thing I suggest you don't do is go on and on and on about it... it kept me and my boyfriend together for a long time when it would have died a natural death much sooner if I hadn't felt I had to prove my parents wrong! If you are very against them, it will just push them closer together.

You could, just the ONCE share you reasons for your worry with her, tell her why you are concerned, then leave her to it.

Original poster
sebone · 16/04/2011 17:10

oh but I want to go on and on about it....is everyone sure it won't work?

OP posts:
Georgimama · 16/04/2011 17:12

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 26. We've been together for 13 years. What are your objections apart from his age - do you know him?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/04/2011 18:46

I would want to go on and on and on about it too!! Trust me!! My bestfriend is married to a man 12 years older than her and it's like being married to her Dad. I know it's not like this in every situation, but he has always been out of sync with where we are at in our lives... he's made her old(er) before her time. It's no so much NOW that would worry me for her, but for her future if she stays with him :(

Georgi - I think 7 years is better than 12 years - anything over 10 years seems to push that person into the next life stage (IMO).

Georgimama · 16/04/2011 20:10

But we were on paper at very different life stages when we met - I was a student, only just left home, and he had graduated and been at work for five years, lived in his own place, car, etc. In fact it's now he's in his late 30s and I'm in my early 30s the gap has disappeared. It had its advantages - when I decided I was ready to have children (25, but it didn't happen right away) he was chomping at the bit rather than having to be strong armed into as many 25 year old blokes would be.

That 12 year gap will narrow as they get older, assuming the OP's daughter isn't just having a nice fling with sexy older bloke. Your friend's husband was probably an old fart at 30, chipping.

missymayhemsmum · 17/04/2011 21:57

Ok, so he's an old bloke dating your baby, and you want to shoot him on sight, but daren't intervene cos she's a legal adult. So welcome him, be friendly, invite him for sunday lunch, get to know the guy and work out what's going on. Is your daughter mature for her years? Is he a nice bloke who is treating her well? Is he encouraging her to spread her wings and go off to uni? If so you have to respect her choices and he may be better for her than some spotty halfwit her own age who messes her around. Or is this some old perv getting her into a potentially damaging situation which she can't handle? In which case you may need to intervene.
Either way, it probably won't last once she gets to uni.
(My Mum did actually threaten to shoot a bloke if he ever contacted me again when I was 18. I was being sucked into an abusive situation by a manipulative old perv and while I was furious with her at the time I was also relieved!)

EggyFucker · 17/04/2011 22:04

I went out with a 33 yo separated guy when I was 18

he was an absolute twat

but nobody could tell me that until I realised it for myself

the more you nag, the more attractive he will be

just let it fizzle out

exoticfruits · 17/04/2011 22:15

I don't think there is anything that you can do about it. Trying to stop it will push them together. Invite him around a lot, make a friend of him (even if you don't like him) make it all rather boring and mundane. It will probably fizzle out when she goes away.

cory · 19/04/2011 09:01

She is an adult, you know, and depending on personality, the difference in attitude/where they're at may not be that great. It may or may not fizzle out, but it's not really something you can control. Just carry on being pleasant and friendly; if he is not a good bloke, she may see the contrast between you, if he is you may all come to appreciate each other.

17 years age difference between MIL and FIL and it was a very happy marriage, though her mum was so upset she refused to attend the wedding.

exoticfruits · 19/04/2011 09:12

I agree with cory-that is the reason for making a friend and having him around-if he isn't for her she will realise the contrast. Dsapprove and it gives it the very excitement that you don't want.

jackie1234 · 20/04/2011 15:13

Hi - my teen (17) is seeing a boy (well, man!) of 25 and I am not pleased about it either ... for no real reason.... other than I think... why would he want to go out with a 17 yr old. But she is a nice girl and he seems to be ok. I am trying my best to be 'cool' about it so that it runs its course ..... the only issue I have is that she wants to stay over with him... let me know what you think x

exoticfruits · 20/04/2011 17:47

It all depends on the people. My friend dated a 22yr old when 16 and they have now been married about 30 yrs, have two very successful DCs and you can't tell the age difference. She had a lot of opposition from her parents which all seems silly on hindsight-they obviously knew they were right for each other.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/04/2011 17:50

Reading EggyFucker's posts has reminded me I went out with a 35 year old when I was 19. No one said anything and his mates couldn't understand how he had pulled someone so hot Hmm. I was not. I was just younger than him.

nobetterthanthat · 20/04/2011 18:04

I went out with a 32 yo when I was 18. He wasn't a complete twat but he was immature and I outgrew him. I think it would have died the death sooner if I hadn't been trying to prove people wrong. I also didn't like spotty teens but by the time I was 20 suddenly there were lots of decent blokes around who made bf look a bit of a loser.

darleneconnor · 20/04/2011 18:10

My friend got together with a 24yo when she was 16. Stayed together for 13 yrs so it isnt necessarily a fling. Maturity wise 18yo girls are prob the same as 30yo guysn

Dolly3110 · 26/04/2011 11:37

I have just discovered that my (just) 16 year old daughter has been seeing a 28 year old man secretly. How do I make her see that this is not normal - he's been very clever in hiding contact numbers and arranging sex etc after two meetings with her. She tells me that he is in love with her and she can't see what's wrong. Any advice so gratefully received.

TheOriginalFAB · 26/04/2011 19:49

Leave her alone. As you can see from other posts the more you try and get her to leave him the more he will seem attractive. How do you know about the numbers and the sex? Make sure she is using condoms.

EttiKetti · 29/04/2011 07:08

Leave her, she will definitely realise, but don't let her do what I did first, and have a baby with him!!!

2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 08:04

You can't really do anything about it.

My sister was dating someone my parents didn't like, and the more they said no, the more she saw him.

She's old enough to make mistakes, just be there for her if/when it ends.

Good luck and chin up xxx

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