dd aged 14 experimenting with cigarettes

[ScreamEagle]

dd is 14 next month. She tried a cigarette at the weekend when she was with her 13 year old friend whose parents allow her to smoke as they feel it is her choice whether she does or not.

I have spoken to dd about this and agree to an extent with her friend's parents. If she is going to do it, there's not much I can do to stop her. I would hope that having given her facts etc she will make an informed choice. Obviously i would hate it if she did and wouldn't want her to. I am torn between letting her make her own choice/mistakes and coming down hard on her on this one.

How would you handle this if it was you?

[philippat]

take a visit to the waiting room of the lung section of the hospital? start pointing out yellow teeth, skin, bags under eyes etc on all your smoking acquaintences?

[M2T]

Philippat - Didn't work for anyone I know. Had that at school.... the whole video on dissecting a smokers lung.
For a lot of teenagers fitting in and being popular is one of theeeee most important things in there life!!! Everything else takes a back seat for a few years.
Could you speak to her friends Mum maybe?

[ScreamEagle]

I found out because I always know or at least have an inkling when she is lying about something. We were talking about smoking the other night and she said she would never want to smoke. Something in her body language alerted me so I had a stab in the dark and asked her outright if she had either bought any or tried any. After a moments hesitation she said she had tried one when with her friend on Sunday.

dh and me gave her the how bad it is for you lecture ie bad skin, smelly breath, smelly clothes, no money, might get cancer - all of that. Also that we have a family history of cancer in one form or another so maybe she will be more susceptible - but of course this doesn't have much sway when you are only 14.

She started at Upper school in September and I think she is trying so hard to fit in with her peers.

[M2T]

SE - Sounds like she's been quite sensible actually! She doesn't like it, but she told you she had tried it. I think you have done the right thing, warned her of the dangers.

At least she is being honest with you! That is a good sign.

[bundle]

screameagle, btw, I think it's incredibly encouraging that she chose to be honest with you

[weesaidie]

Yes, the honesty thing is very encouraging.

[auntymandy]

she told you. That shows she trusts you and wants you to know. she can talk to you therefore you can talk to her.

[ScreamEagle]

Hmmm. She only told me the truth when I directly asked her. I daresay she wouldn't have told me otherwise.

[buffytheharpsichordcarrier]

I think the key wrd here is "experimenting" - if that's all it is, then fair enough. so far so very very normal. But I think you must tell her that you disapprove very strongly, that you don;t want to smell cigarettes on her and def not to smoke in the house. Try not to make a big thing of it, but just that you would be very very disappointed, that you would be very worried, etc etc.
where would she get the money from btw? if she has a job then that's one thing but you wouldn't want to fund her would you?

[M2T]

SE - She's a teenager! I would have lied outright and had a teenage strop had my Mum asked me that. She's doing really well.

[auntymandy]

she said she didnt like it. Maybe she was telling the truth

[ScreamEagle]

I know I know!! She is doing typical teenage things and I expect that. At the minute though she seems to be bucking against everything - not tidying her room, not putting clothes out to wash, not wearing a cycle helmet (see my other threads!) having attitude and being downright lazy. I need to pick my battles with her very carefully - this and the cycle helmet are the ones I have chosen to fight with her over. The room doesn't matter so much.

An alien has taken her over - she used to be so sweet and sensible - who is this stranger in her place?

[auntymandy]

lol My dd is 13 tomorrow and is awful. she used to be quite sweet. as for DS 15 in Jan. I miss the little boy. He was beautiful inside and out. now I dont feel I know him!

[PottytheVampireSlayer]

SE - it's a good step picking your battles. I think that's the best piece of advice I've ever been given as regards teens. Some things are worth laying the law down about - others, well, it ain't worth the stress.

My yards sticks are....illegal/dangerous/annoying the neighbours. Anything else and its the rights/responsibilities lecture and off you go

[PottytheVampireSlayer]

auntymandy - I clearly remeber getting up one morning and thinking that aliens had taken my son and swopped him for some hairy, grunting, miserable sod. He his now 'back from the wilderness' and ds2 is making his way out there!

[MsNorth]

I think I agree with Kama on the whole, now that ds1 is 13 and we have had to face the issue of dope smoking.

Much as my liberal side thinks that telling him to 'just say no' may be counterproductive, in reality what else can you do but tell him he's not allowed to do it and try to prevent him being in situations where it would be difficult to refuse? As parents you are responsible for their safety and health and everything else.

I really am not sure about the best approach to this, but I feelthat what I say toa 13 year old is very different to what I would say if he was 17. I fully expect him to experiment as he gets older, but it was a terrible shock to find it had happened so young.

[MsNorth]

PS he is anti cigarettes and says he won't be smoking dope again but I cant tell if he means it. There is alot ofpeer pressure around, even in year 8 and 9, scarily. And somekids with too much dosh imho.

[Tortington]

my 15 year old smokes. we have the line of - no smoking in front of us as we do not approve. no smoking in the house, no stealing money for fags.

thats it really - what you gonna do tie them to the bed for the next 5 years?

[MsNorth]

HMC I know exactly what you mean but at 13 its different, it has to be doesn't it. Later on, as you say, I think it's just not realistic to try to control their every move. At 13 I think I have to protect him from the possibilty of it happening again.

[MsNorth]

And dope and tobacco are not the same, though tobacco more addictive, dope illegal and with mental health dangers. But very much available it would seem. I think a child's reason for trying either is perhaps the same: rebellion, being cool, etc.

[Tortington]

i think depending on the kid at 13 they still give a shit what you say - but your not going to win over peer pressure - or very rarely this happens.

[DinoScareUs]

Similar to M2T - I started when I was 13 and even though my mother made me swear on a bible that I wouldn't smoke any more, I carried on. School dinner money was 25 p a day and cigs were, conveniently, 24 1/2 p for a packet of 10.

Of course I wish now that I hadn't started then, and no doubt your dd will too.

[charliebat]

From someone who started at around that age tell her I wish my mum had put her foot down and at least told me some truths about what smoking actually is.
Firstly it starts off as being something cool to do and slowly it turns into an addiction, you think it tastes so foul that you could never possibly get hooked on it. But you do.
And because you see smokers all the time, including on the tv and in magazines, you can tell yourself that its not that bad.
Well, you dont see all the people in the hospitals gasping for breath and you dont see all the people mourning for thier family member that they have lost wayyy too early because they smoked.
Ask her to ask a smoker if they wish they had started. Shedd be hard pressed to find one that was.
Good Luck.