At what stage did you give up & admit you'd raised a "wrong'un"?

[cheapskatemum]

I'm desperately trying to hang on in there with DS1, who is 18. The continual lying, only admitted to when it's too late for recriminations etc (not when there is irrefutable evidence to contradict his side of events!) is making me depressed. Your testimonies, please!

Thank you so much for your post, maryz. Reading my thread title, it just sounds so unlike me, but that is how desperate I've become. I have made several requests for him to see a psychiatrist, let's hope the latest gets us somewhere - he did it himself as he is now 18. DS2 is severely disabled and there are DSs 3 & 4, so I know he hasn't had a charmed life, but we have always done what we can. Maybe we over-compensated him too much? He seems to be throwing it all back in our faces and as DH is abroad a lot, it's me that has to deal with it.
How do you think you'd feel if it were someone else hurting him? I've just seen the damage to his windscreen. Police informed me "XX threw a rock at it, but fortunately the windscreen didn't break". Imagine if it had! Schoolteachers have commented "You must be amazing, if he were my child, I'd have wrung his neck by now".

I don't think that you ever give up, except if they are on drugs and your help is feeding the habit.
His seems to be a symptom of great unhappiness and I would keep pressing to get to the bottom of it.
At his age you need to have a long talk about his direction in life because he no longer has to live with you.Is he in school? What plans has he?

He's at uni, but we're finding it impossible to find accommodation in the city where his uni is, so he commutes 50 miles each way at the moment (obviously, he's only just gone back after Christmas break). He had somewhere to live last term, but we knew it was only ever going to be temporary. So his plans are to get a degree. He even chose a vocational subject: Business Management.

He was kicked out of school last Feb for refusing to give a hair sample for a drugs test (he'd given a urine sample, which came back clear, so then he got the hump).

The fact that he is at uni is good. If he could find accomodation it might help because he must feel a bit displaced with the commute.

Is there really no accommodation he could get in his university town? It would be good for you both to spend some time apart.

Where is he studying?

bump

Thanks for your replies, I'm sorry I lost this thread, it didn't come up when I clicked "Threads I'm on". Maybe thanks to the "bump" it's reappeared.

He's studying at Anglia Ruskin, which is in Cambridge. We finally found a room in a shared student house last month, but DH then refused to be a guarantor for the rent because he disagreed with the rental contract! It would definitely be good for us to spend some time apart. In turn, I believe that would make it easier for me to detach emotionally.

Just heard today that he's failed his first set of assessments. Now I'm worried about why that's happened as it's more likely to be because he hasn't attended lectures, hasn't studied, hasn't turned up for exams rather than he hasn't got the ability.

Thanks maryz and I have sent you a hug on another thread (the eulogy one). Going to bed now, I've never been so emotionally drained that it's made me physically tired until now. DS has not come home to discuss the way forward in the light of his results, chosing to spend time with potheads friends instead.