I am very unhapy about dd's(16) boyfriend, what can I do to make the situation better?

[lilibet]

She is 16, he is 20, and they have been together about 4 months. He is her first serious boyfriend.

She has a part time job on a market stall on, he works on one nearby full time. She spends an awful lot of time at his house (he lives with his mum and his mate rents a room there), I've jsut dropped her off now. She will not ask him to come here, as 'it's better there'. So either she walks the 2 miles or so to his, or I drive her and then she pays for a taxi home at 11. In the 4 months they have been 'out' three times as 'he never has any money as he has a lot of loans'. I feel that he is really taking advantage of her. It's costing her about £15 per week just to sit in his house!

And the other thing is his X is about to have his baby, she ditched him when she was about 3 months pregnant. He intends to be involved with the baby,and I do feel really sorry for dd being in that situation, it would be hard enough to deal with as an adult never mind at 16!!

And inbetween splitting up with the pregnant X and starting going with dd he slept with dd's best friend!!

aaarrrggghhhhh

I know that I can't overly critisize him, but I wish dd would bring him here then I can at least get to know him a bit better. We have met him twice both occasions very briefly, and I'm sure if the situation was different I could actually like him - well maybe!!

Lilibet, I honestly would wait for her to realise what a nightmare it is being a stepmother at 16 and see the light and she'll leave him, I bet she will. If you interfere it will make him more attractive and what would have fizzled out will go on for ages. Make sure she doesn't get pregnant though, is she using contraception? That's my Pov though from my memories of being a stroppy 16 yo girl with a string of unsuitable boyfriends!

Oh god, future flashing before my eyes! Hopefully, she'll get fed-up with him if he becomes involved with the baby. If he doesn't, then she may think twice about what kind of bloke he is. Maybe?

re the baby - that's a really good sign in a man of 20 isn't it?

don't think he's taking advantage of her.

why don't you invite them both out for a slap up meal? neutral territory - your dd might not object to that.

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I don't want to ask if she is sleeping with him, but I have always been very straightforward about the importance of contraception.

Have also really emphasized that you should never tell a man tht you are on teh pill and make him use a condom.

Am presuming that she is sleeping with him but honestly don't want to know for certain.

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...and that's probably why she wants to go to his house. But the novelty will wear off.

Does she seem happy though, or all moody and angry?

i would make sure she is on pill and takes it or has a 3 year implant or something.

let her spend her money going over there, he will probably always have no money.

i am presuming she is paying for it out of errrr working? i wouldnt give her the money
i would let her walk

if he was better than a tosser he would walk to pick her up. me and dh were skint he used to walk me 3 miles home of an evening.

Agree with ggg, they are definitely having sex, that's why she goes there. I used to go to boyfriend's nan's because she let us go off alone.

If you wish she'd bring him to your house so you could get to know him better, why not invite him over for supper or Sunday lunch?

She works two days a week on the market Custy and pays for all her own busfares/lunches, if she doesn't wnat to take what we have in for a packed lunch.

she seems quite happy, bounces off there nearly every night.

I think that he should come here and pick her up, especially as some nights she is walking in the dark if I can't take her.

I know that the main reason that she will be going there is that they can have sex there and can't here as his mum goes out a lot, and here she has two little brothers!

But she could still ask him to come round occasionally!!

go on about what a wonderful charming chap he sounds and just what you always wanted in a SIL
she'll go off him (she will anyway but maybe sooner)

tbh Lilbet he sounds A LOT better than some of the boyfriends my mates had at around the same age. I'd just want to make sure she keeps using condoms & other birth control & wait for her to decide how bad/good he is.

am sure there is some very good advice here, don't envy you one little bit - i would want to punch his lights out!

luckily my daughter has an older brother who will attack on command

I don't know about anything else but it's the loans thing that gets me.

He has alot of loans but still lives with his mum.

Sad to say I've been in that situation with my ex (I was 1 year older than your dd at the time) and I ended up getting in debt too.

I'm not saying she would do the same but it's a bt worrying as she sounds quite besotted with him.
I have to agree with the others too about the sex thing.

I really feel for you being in this sort of situation. I think the idea about the meal is a good one. I think your dd will appreciate being able to go out with her bf doing something nice.

you have my sympathy, its not what you want for your dd, my advice would be to support her as best you can, dont make any negative comments about him, however tempted you are, she will soon get bored with this situation, at the moment it is a novelty and makes her look cool with her friends but it wont last, she will want to move on eventually, so just be patient and wait for it to fizzle out. good luck