Teenage boy with very few friends

[Claritta]

My eldest is 17, at six form, doing well, got offers for unis so has lots going for him but he never gets asked out or invited to things and has no social life other than what we organise for him. I have worried about this for years but it never gets any better and the friends he had from earlier years at schoool have all seemed to move on from him. He doesnt really use facebook, doesnt text or msn, seems happy enough although I am sure it upsets him to be left out. Any ideas? or is this one of those problems that as a parent you really cant do anything about? I am left with hoping (and praying) that when he gets to uni things will be different but I am not sure what it is he is doing wrong - difficult when you are the parent to be that objective??

He might just be one of those people who doesnt need many friends

i'm sure when he gets to Uni he will meet loads of folk in the same boat as him and make friends there. there are societies and sports clubs too

He many not be doing anything wrong, he may just feel comfortable in his own company.

I do know what you mean, my ds goes through anti social phases, this Xmas holidays he's turned down the few invites he's had and not bothered to call anyone. I think he's just growing out of his friends but there aren't any new ones popping up (or girlfriends).

I think sometimes you have to just let them be the person they are, and try not to impose your wishes for a busy social life on them. The worst thing you can do is make them feel that there's something wrong with them.

I bet your son has lots of lovely qualities and one day he'll meet people who appreciate them.

My 15 year old DS seems happy enough at school but has few friends, actually only one, that he sees outside of school. Lives in a kind of digital world - communicating via x-box which worries me a great deal as I don't think it's any substitute for real interaction.

That said, I shouldn't worry too much - as long as your DS knows that you would welcome any friends of his into your home, he may be quite relaxed about his situation. Are there any interests outside of sixth form that he could take up or follow - sport, drama, scouts, CCF? If not, he has loads of time ahead of him to meet people and make good friends.

I don't think the limited invitations things is at all unusual. My older DS gets his mainly via FB - if he didn't use it, he hardly go anywhere. However, FB certainly isn't for everyone. I had an almost non existent social life when I was in my teens - come Uni and certainly the first years of work, everything changed.

thank you for these - nice to know I am not alone! He does have outside interests - loves hockey but the weather has meant that everything has been cancelled the last month and I suppose that has shown me how little he does outside school. Having said that, he doesnt have a social life from his sport either. I nag him constantly about organising stuff and phoning people rather than waiting for people to contact him and I will stop this as it might be counter productive and let him be - he did use to have a close friend but that "friend" has gone off him big style and quite obviously and I get the feeling that he doesnt get included in things if this boy is involved

; seems happy enough although I am sure it upsets him to be left out.'

I think you are possibly not looking at things from his perspective. Has he told you he is unhappy, or lonely, or has he shown any signs that you have interpreted as such?
marlowwills, I agree with you.

Thanks for starting this because my ds is the same. So I feel better thanks!

My brother was like this and my mum worried herself sick about him but he went off to uni settled in great and has had no problems since (unless you count becoming a psychiatrist!)

Do you live somewhere that makes a social life possible? I have a friend who lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere and she frets about her non-driving 17 year-old son not having a social life.

I wish him lots of luck and happiness at university. What is he going to study? Is it something for which he needs to get his head down, work hard,and get the grades? In which case, perhaps that's the most important thing for him right now? Perhaps sensibly so. I speak from bitter experience.

My eldest is 18 and in his first year at Uni - some 4 hours drive from me!

He has never really had many friends and hasn't made many at Uni but is enjoying himself there.

He choose not to go into halls as he's not great with crowds, but shares a 4 bed house with a 2nd year and 2 third years. He loves it there and is far happier than he would be in halls. The first few weeks were tough but he's totally settled and loves his course.

I did the whole worrying like mad but in the end decided he just didn't much like groups, wasn't overly depressed, and is just a fairly self-contined young man!

Good luck though

My ds is 18 and its only really been in the last year that he has a social life ..hes always been happy with his own company but he does use fb,msn and skype to chat to his friends I think a lot of teenagers use the internet to keep in touch with their friends and arrange outings etc ..not saying your ds has to do this but it seems to be the way teenagers communicate now

Claritta, my DS is just the same. In U6, doing A levels and I've been worried he doesn't seem to have many friends and the few friends he does talk about are all female (not girlfriends, just friends)
He is at a boarding school so I don't see him much and I do worry as he is 1 of only 2 british full time boarders the others all being overseas students.

He was a bit of a loner at prep school. He hated football and in fact all sports with a vengence so didn't really fit in with the other boys who were football mad. When he left there he moved abroad for a few years and did have a few friends but they all left here at 16 and scattered to all parts of the UK. He is still in touch with a few and is constantly on FB/MSN (when he should be bloody studying!) but he doesn't seem to want to socialise.

It does make me sad and I do wonder if the moving around didn't help and all I can do is hope and pray he settles into Uni well next September and makes some like-minded (football hating) friends.

It is a worry though, DD is 3 years youngers and is very sociable.

Lets hope all our kids grow out of it and turn into happy sociable adults
oh, and lets hope he grows out of the bloody moodiness

The most sociable adults aren't necesarily the happiest adults are they? In fact, the reverse is very often true.

My older two dc were always part of a gang; always going places, friends calling etc. My 16 year old ds however is so different. He doesn't really bother with people other than to msn or facebook them.

I worry a lot, but he seems very happy. And when there is anything like a school outing, he always seems to be with people and not left out.

But as a mother it is very hard to just leave him be. I'm always trying to change him into a more sociable person, but at times I realise that it's my issues not his that make me worry.

And I remind myself that you wouldn't nag an adult to make friends if they were happy as they are.

My dd1 didn't really have many friends at school, as there did not seem to be other people sharing her (rather geeky) interests. However, she made friends via the internet, and at uni she has a group of around 4-6 like-minded friends that she seems happy with.

My 13 yr old ds is a sociable boy but has had little opportunity to be sociable due to our rural location and tiny primary school. He lost a lot of confidence when one after the other, good primary school friends left for one reason or another which left him very solitary and I fretted about this. He was very unhappy. It had a big impact on which secondary school we chose and have found that over his time there, his confidence has returned (to a degree, he is desperate to be seen to fit in) and has a best buddy and a large wider group too. Scouts has also been brilliant for him as he loves the outdoors and this puts him in touch with like-minded people. We have just given in to fb but police how much screen time he can have but he gets lots of enjoyment out of this. The best thing I can do for him is to facilitate as much of a social life outside of school as possible. It takes effort on my part, and not a little of my own time, but dh and I chose to live in the sticks, not our kids! Having said all this about my ds, he is also a quirky individual and I have no doubt that he will always struggle a bit with his social life. Building his confidence is the key, so that he is comfortable in the default position - his own company. And maybe this is the same for your son. Best wishes.

My DD is in a similar position (same age too ). It has always been a lot of work to keep her social life going - she is well aware that she is very far down pecking lists in activities and friend groups. She does not want to drink and dislikes clubbing after some "friends" who were due to get a lift home from me left her standing on the seafront in a pair of microshorts and ran off - myy DD was then propositioned by some older men before I could get there and she is now terrified of being out on her own in the dark.

I have backed off trying to suggest activities etc lately. She seems happier but I know she does get downhearted about not being popular - she can't grasp why as she is very pretty and has the latest clothes etc and is not ostensibly geeky. She is worried about Uni and being alone next year -she thought 6th form college would be great but her friendships have decreased since school.

My DP thinks we are to blame as we used to have lots of dinner parties etc and people around but haven't since we moved to a different part of the country a few years ago - he thinks our lack of sociability is having an impact on the children and that I have made home such a child centred retreat that none of our 4 particularly want to go out ( I thought it was good they liked being at home and each other as all my siblings detested each other).

I do think though that social skills are incredibly valuable in later life at work etc but I don't know if you can teach them or if it right to force a child to be sociable if they don't wnat to be?

Look Clarita,
If he is happy then be happy for him.He will find out what he needs in time. My eldest went through the exact same thing he now has a flat share, a girlfriend and loads of friends. It will be ok

I was a fairly unsociable teenager, for different reasons:

• no interest in many of the people around me. I was more interested in adults, who had enough life-experience, empathy and self-confidence to negotiate mutually-suitable subjects of conversation. Compare that to the "flighty" sort of teenager, or the "sociable" sort of teenager, who knows the same people his/her friend knows... and that's it!
• I was thinking about who I was, reading, preparing for life
• What's the big deal about being sociable anyway? It's very expensive, and there were books I could be spending my money on!

When your son becomes an adult, he may finally have access to the people he has been missing all his life. He may not be overly sociable even then, but some people don't need many friends.

Thank you for all these - we do live in a small rural village with no bus so until he drives nothing is just there for him, it always has to be organised and so if you are not the organising type....i take heart from all the comments about letting him be but i do agree with haggis1 - if you could teach them social skills at a very low key level then it must help them later in life to fit in effortlessly when they need to

Could he get a weekend job, which would allow him to interact without having to "make conversation" ? Conversation would be made "for" him by the needs of the job, for example. Would volunteering in a library be a good start?

Don't nag him about not having a social life: if he doesn't feel unhappy about it,the last thing he wants is his mum telling him he should be.

I was very much like him at this age. The main reasons being that I had nothing in common with the teens I knew and that the groups I knew I could get into had a lifestyle that I really did not want to get mixed up in (getting hammered every weekend etc).

I have not spent the rest of my life as a social recluse: I had a wonderful time at university and am still in touch with those friends 20 years later. And the years I had spent tucked up with my books meant I had plenty of leeway to socialise because I was already a fast reader.

But it did help that my parents were understanding and just let me get on with it.

I too have a DS who has never had friends - he sees one or two when they aren't socialising with their group of friends .
He's 18 and one of the things that really worries me is ,if he does get to Uni ( and God knows what he'll do if he doesn't ) that he'll go off the rails with drink etc ,as he's not used to socialising or alcohol .
Any advice ?

Claritta I agree with you about sticking in with trying to teach him some social skills, if you feel they're lacking. You might help do this by making sure YOU are sociable and your home is frequented by friends for dinner and such..... something which your son will join in with. My teenage sons love people coming for lunch and dinner and they get a lot out of it.

Gingeroots - It depends whether he doesn't have good social skills or whether he just hasn't found anyone he's particularly interested in.

You can learn social skills with ANY other person/people: they don't have to be other teenagers. If he is very shy then get him out of his comfort zone a bit and make sure you, yourself are sociable.

Very often people complain about their children not having a social life, and they themselves have no social life. You have to walk the walk and demonstrate the advantages of friends.

oh dear Swedes - spot on ,and I'd never really thought of it like that .
I'm not at all sociable ,partly because I'm very much older than most mums .
Gosh how could I not have seen that ?