Been holding off for ages. I dont usually talk about DS1 on internet for his privacy. I only really coo about my babies and discuss DS2's SNs and my wonderful DD because she is not here anymore.
DS will be 17 in Jan. Over the last two years his behaviour has worsened and worsened. I suppose it was quite insidious and we just kept up with the discipline, discussions, sanctions, rewards etc.
Nothing has worked and its totally broken down. He kept leaving and coming back and now has gone again. Thing is I dont feel he can stay here and do the things he is doing because it is having a horrible impact on the kids.
I am at my wits end and in shock TBH. He has been to homeless dept and they gave him a hostel place. He didnt stay one night and came home instead. He lasted a day and half before he was off again.
I really, really do not know what to do. He is targetting everything at me. He hates me and everything is my fault. He doesnt even mention his dad. I know I am not the best mum. I have always admitted that. I have always feared failing and after DD died I did withdraw a fair bit. But I got up everyday and the children were fed and went to school, told they were loved and I still went to open evenings and we had Christmas and birthdays.
He says its nothing to do with DD death or OH's disability or DS's disability or anything. Its me, I am a liar and all kinds of things. His language towards me has got really bad and I am stunned.
I am out of my depth. I have honestly always tried my best. He has called me 'fucked up' and I am so distraut at it all. Everyone thinks I am really strong but I dont think I am. I have just had to get on with stuff.
We got him counselling after DD died but he told me that he had to stop going because I didnt like taking him there. He has made this into reality when infact its not true. The sessions stopped and anyway his dad used to take him. He has also told me I hate him having DD's room because I want it as a shrine. This is very hurtful because its very far from the truth and I belive it comes from a short chat he had with his dad years ago and nothing to do with me.
I know he has had a lot to cope with and we have supported him with everything we can. We must have done something wrong somewhere.
I have to admit I am also embarressed at his sense of entitlement. That the council should house him and he should get income support etc.
He is still going to college (so would I if I was doing the course he is on!) so thats a good thing.
I just dont know how things have got to this and I am beside myself. I swing from blaming myself for everything to thinking perhaps I have been too honest with DS about my fears of not being good enough.
I love him. I cannot believe what is going on and I am so angry that he is causing so much stress when the family has had so much to deal with. BUT I dont think he should have to behave better than others to protect us IYSWIM.
The scheduled meeting with ss/housing was cancelled today due to sickness. I thought I might be getting some idea of the next step and now thats not going to happen.
The SW is very nice and has seen it all before. She seems to understand how much we care about DS.
I dont want to dismiss his feelings and have always said that his thoughts were valid BUT he had got things wrong and based his ideas on things that simply have not happened.
A horrible part of me feels this whole thing is his way of trying to get his own place. He has clearly been influenced by some of his friends and a relative told him some 'intformation' that has made things so mch worse.
Sorry this is long but I now understand what 'wits end' really means.
I have already lost one, I cant lose another.