Husband in recovery but the love is gone

[Amelialoop]

Hi my husband has a secret cocaine addiction for most of our young children’s lives, I thought he was depressed- irritable, exhausted, snappy. Since it came out he has done really well at recovery and is more like he used to be but there is so much anger and hurt - we had counselling for a few years before it came out and I feel like I was gaslit in those sessions and also all the lies and debt. I also think I fell out of love with him during the addiction as he was just a zombie and I was working full time and carrying the household, my kids adore him more than ever as he is now the present and engaged dad they deserve. I am so sad as I feel if I found out earlier before the love was lost we might have worked things out. I adore my kids but work full time and now always will do - I can’t get over the fact I will only get to see them 50% of the time. I guess I’m just asking if anyone has made it work with a husband in recovery and if not how you got over the hurt and anger as I feel like I’m doing worse than him at this point.

You deserve better the coke,the lies,the gaslighting,you carrying the burden of everything

Oh Disney dad is off the sniff (for now)
Knight in shining armour now no way he had his chance and blew it.

There is a very good reason you feel as though you were gaslit Amelia, it’s because he was lying through his teeth.

Im glad recovery is going well but there is no way I could continue a relationship with an addict.

I can hear the torment in your voice ... because of the children. I feel for you so much! But there is no requirement for you to forgive and forget the past if you cannot do it. In your shoes I would separate and do all I reasonably could to facilitate a continuing relationship between your DC and their Dad whilst he remains sober. It's definitely not a given that it it will be 50/50 custody by the way.

I don't have experience of an addict partner, but I do of an addict parent. I don't feel guilty about the distance I built into our relationship at all. I could never trust this person after some awful years, even though they did stop drinking. But the damage was done, so we had a relationship of sorts but not an authentic or satisfying one.

I'm trying to (rather long-windedly!) say that you must remember to put yourself first. First before your children even.

Hi, I’m sadly going through a similar situation with my now ex partner and father of DC after he recently relapsed.
I’d just be wary about seeking advice on here as I’m not sure how many people genuinely understand serious addiction and don’t tend to be very knowledgeable or empathetic in any sense.
I’ve recently sought out a therapist with alot of experience within working with people with addiction, so if you have the means I’d definitely recommend it as it’s helping me process a lot of these feelings.
Feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to x