I feel trapped in recovery

[pearlthepig]

im 11 months sober, my relationship is non existent, we live together, have a young child and have a mortgage. He keeps videos of me at my worst in addiction, he tells me he’s happy that we live ‘dysfunctionally’, he wants to do things to the house cos he has the money (I work and yes I have debts to pay off but I pay for everything for our child, I work part time because of childcare), I don’t feel I have a say in anything, I feel I have to do as he says ‘just get on with it’ he says, I’m terrified and miserable. Quite rightly he says he doesn’t do anything to hurt me, not physically no but emotionally I feel destroyed, I can’t carry on like this. I’ve asked him to get counselling from al anon, he won’t, I’ve asked him for us to go to relate together - he won’t. im scared he’s using me cos my mum helped us buy the house. I feel alone and scared. I don’t know where to turn. What do I do?

Can You make him leave?

Is he an addict aswell?

No he’s not an addict. Well, he says he was long before we met…… but yet he seems to have so little understanding of my recovery. He won’t leave, he doesn’t want to, he says he’s happy with the way things are

Can You get help with police ?

Well done being 11 months sober. You’ve done brilliantly in a non supportive atmosphere.

You are terrified , what is it that you are scared of? Is it him? Is it feeling like you are wasting your life? Is there something about him that’s keeping you trapped in shame? Is it the thought of how you might survive by yourself without him?

how long have you felt like this ?

the police won’t do anything - he’s not physically abusive, he keeps a roof over our heads, works, doesn’t drink or smoke etc……. His words are what hurt me and make me scared

What you are describing is abuse . If you tried phoning the National Domestic Abuse helpline they will give you help and advice and support.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Well done for your sobriety.

I know I’ve put him through a lot, I was hoping things would start to settle down but it’s just getting worse. Maybe I’ve changed too much…… I don’t think I have but I’ve definitely changed. I did a lot of work on myself when I had some time off work and was going through early sobriety…… I attended groups and did a lot on stress management and all sorts, I learned to like myself, I learned to make life easier for myself as in simple things like not cooking from scratch every night after work, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, now I accept I’m not and probably vocalise that I’m not doing something (if it’s not nessecary) and I speak my feelings rather than just saying ‘I’m fine’. But I’m not nasty with it, I still do the house jobs and make food everyday, I just verbalise how I’m feeling when I’m tired or stressed……. He seems to not like it tho and accused me of flirting with other men when I was going to groups cos there were men there…… he still holds this against me but all I was doing was speaking with men and women who were doing the same work on themselves and had been through things I had, it was comforting not flirting. I don’t go to groups anymore cos of work and I don’t go out at all apart from work or shops or school pick up, so surely he can’t still think I’m up to no good! And I never was! (Apart fr when I was drinking in secret but I did that at home). Urrgghh, sorry this has got long…….. I needed to get it out. Thank you for your support xxx

I’m tempted to give them a ring…… it feels extreme and I know he would manipulate it if he found out and probably shame me by showing everyone the videos he’s got of when I was drinking……. It scares me to ring, I don’t want to risk losing my child

They are very aware that women who contact them are in in danger from their abuser and will do everything to keep your contact confidential OP .
You shouldn't have to live in fear of this man and have him control and manipulate you