I stopped dyeing my hair in 2021… but it makes me utterly miserable. Should I stick it out or dye it again?

[Greyyyybeornot]

I am about 30-40% grey, all the front of my head. I stopped dyeing it in 2021 because the dyeing every 10 days was driving me crazy. And I also wanted to normalise going grey.

(I’m 45, for context.)

Anyway, I think about my hair NON STOP. I hate having grey hair. It makes me feel so old and ugly. I want to not be ageist and like it , but I’m finding it hard.

I also really don’t want to go back to dyeing it every two weeks and those tiny silver roots looked awful.

What would you all advise?

How to I either come to terms with being grey at 45? Or do I just go dark brown again?

Help!!! It’s really bothering me. I think about it nonstop. I’m sometimes surprised by my reflection / photos of me (and not in a good way).

At one point, the hairdresser gave me highlights which made me blondish, which also didn’t feel like “me”.

I miss my almost-black hair. It felt part of my identity for so long!

Anyone been through the same?

I've been going grey since my twenties and dying it. I used henna for years, but once it was all grey the henna just wasn't looking right. I grew it out and embraced the grey. I looked awful, it's not an ageist thing, I'm just so, so pale and the grey hair made me look ill and washed out. If I wore make up it was OKish, but wearing make up is more hassle than dying it, so I found a dark blonde dye and I've gone with that.
I worry about the chemicals and my hair grows so fast so I'm constantly battling my roots. But it's better (for me) than being grey. Some women look stunning with grey hair, I don't. It's just personal choice.

I want to embrace it, I’m just really struggling! And wonder if I should just dye it and let this be a problem for later. But I’ll have to face it one day! It’s just getting greyer!

Don't make yourself so unhappy about something that is completely within your control. You don't have to face it one day - embracing the grey is not compulsory. Nothing non-feminist about wanting to colour your hair, same as wearing nice clothes if they make you happier.

Those of us with dark hair have this problem earlier because the contrast of the white (because white it is) against the dark is so visible. Over the years I had roots, tints, highlights, temporary spray, etc; currently mid-brown with a few highlights. Like you my grey is all on the top and front, with the back still dark so this is the reason why I don't want to embrace, think I would look odd.

I'm 70 next week and expect to continue to colour until I find it all too much of a bore!

I've been doing exactly the same! Decided to stop dyeing my hair 3 months ago. I'm really impressed with the gentle colour Plantur 39 gives me.

I have got a slight demarcation line but it's nowhere near as bad as I think it would be if I was just using my normal shampoo. My plan is to get low lights put in to blend as the dye grows out if it starts looking a bit weird.

I feel liberated!

@YellowComb to be honest yes it does damage the hair as it’s bleached but mine is fairly short anyway, when it gets bad I just get a short cut. But it worth it to have nice coloured hair.

I think looking good for your age is also a lot about changing how you look a bit so you don’t always look the same. Hair grows fast and with regular cuts it is easy to change it.

After treatment for breast cancer I stopped having my highlights, and loads of people commented on how good my hair looked. But someone who I trust totally to be honest - my DB - said to me 'I don't like having a grey haired sister!' It was a joke, but I actually agreed with him and went back to highlights. I feel more alive now when I look in a mirror.

My DM had beautiful thick, dark hair which she had to dye from quite a young age. As she got older, she lightened the colour but was still having her hair dyed very regularly when she passed away at the age of 90. She looked fab!

We should all feel free to do whatever makes us feel better.

I read on another thread about grey.

Just imagine if no one went grey would many people actually choose the colour grey by choice - made me think!

Some of us just do not like grey hair not what what to look younger or feminist nonsense.
Grey long hair gives me the shivers its revolting.

On the one hand, you don't like your appearance, and you think that could be improved with some dye. So that's a solution.

On the other hand, you may have some entrenched or internalised dislike of yourself, perhaps because of society.

You are the only you there will ever be. Whatever you decide, it's your life and no one else's.

I do think the ageism around appearance is a weird one. Some of my younger female friends have commented that I look younger than my years (I really don't think I do, this isn't a stealth boast), and I think they're saying it as a compliment, but how can it be? It's like saying "ah, you don't as near to death as you actually are!". And what is it about us as a species that we are so easily fooled by appearance anyway. We're weird.

I’m roughly your age OP and I started to go grey at 17. I began dying it at 21, and now I’m almost completely white (about 90%) in my mid-late 40s. I still dye it dark brown, but I’m allergic to most colour and I have to use a PPD free colour every ten days or so. It’s also expensive, double the price of usual box dyes. I absolutely hate colouring it so frequently. My DH encourages me to grow it out, but he’s older than me so it wouldn’t bother him if I looked 60. I don’t think there’s an easy solution, unfortunately.

You shouldn't need to do it every two weeks, to be honest. You'll find that people really don't notice your roots anywhere near as early as you do.

I'm only in my mid 30s but have been using a box dye since my late 20s as my family greys early. It takes a few minutes to put on, half an hour to develop (while I do something else) and then washing it out is easy. I do it every six weeks and it's cheap and no drama.

You can buy little touch up kits for your roots in between dyes if it bothers you a lot, so try a brand that has those to match the colour you choose.

I admire you for trying to embrace the grey but if it's making you miserable, just get the dye back!

I was another almost black here. I loved the colour but of course when the grey arrived it looked awful. I had a few years of highlighting but as you say OP I got tired if the almost constant grey emerging. I bit the bullet and went for dirty blond a few years ago...It hides the grey regrowth well and whilst it'll never be completely me in my head or on it I don't mind it and I'm certainly never going grey.

Exactly this. Dye your hair, don't dye your hair. Dying it doesn't magically make people look younger. Do what's best for you but don't put down people that have chosen a different route.
I've been growing my grey in for a full year now and I don't feel like it ages me. I still got told I look young twice this past week, one by someone I haven't seen for years and one by someone I didn't know who assumed my son was little because she didn't think he could possibly be 25. I'm nearly 55.
Sorry for photo spam but it annoys me when people that don't like grey hair themselves try to make others feel shit with comments about how horrible it is and oh so ageing, how could you let yourself go like that! I still wear makeup and like to look nice. My hair colour doesn't define me.

There's beautiful grey, drab grey and aging grey. I know two women in their early 40's who had their hair dyed grey when it was all the rage. Omg it aged them 15 years and looked terrible!

I'm 43 and have t-foils and that hides the grey that's popping through. If you don't like it OP don't live with it- fight it with hair dye!

If you want to dye it, I wouldn't have an all over colour, but a mixture of dark ash brown lowlights and ash blonde highlights. That way, you will break up the grey a bit and avoid any harsh roots.

You tried not colouring your hair, it does jot make you happy. Colour your hair, colouring hair is not supporting ageism, older people have right to look good / fun as much younger people do. Ageism is telling anyone once they get older, they cannot wear make up or colour their hair, enjoying yourself and having a little fun with make up and hair colours is perfectly fine for adults of any age.

@Foundanotherwrinkle I see you are fishing for compliments and for people to tell you that you look amazing and waaaaay younger than mid 50s.

You look fine, but it's laughable that someone would think you don't look old enough to have a 25 year old son. (Like you said someone did.) You look like what you are... a woman in her mid 50s. Why would you not? And what is wrong with looking it? As I said, I look MY age. I just don't want to look older. That is my right.

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Well exactly!? I reckon there's barely a single soul, male or female, over the age of 35 to 40 that would choose, (actively choose,) to have grey hair - like actually dye it grey!!!.I know there was a phase of young women roughly between 20 and about 28 doing their hair a silvery grey colour several years ago. (Which I found really weird because I actually thought it looked pretty horrible.) But I don't see women DYING their hair grey now. Not at any age. Seems like it was a fleeting phase.

In fact, a female colleague of mine (aged 26-27 at the time) did it for a few months or so but funnily enough, she only kept it for about 3-4 months before going light blonde again. And she never did it again ... Funny that eh?

When I said to her I prefer dye my hair, (this was in my mid to late 50s a couple of years ago,) because I don't want to go grey - because I think it's ageing, she threw a right tantrum! Said I was being. ageist, and misogynist, and 'letting the side down' by saying women look older than their age with grey hair.

I said to her 'you come back in 20 years or so, when you're in your mid to late 40s and you're going grey and it's making you look 5-8 years older.. See if you still think the same then! That it's OK to be grey and we shouldn't dye it. I'm in my mid 50s and I'm greying a bit, and I don't want to be grey. You've got no right to invalidate my opinions and my experience.'

She just ignored me .. Silly moo.

@Inspireme2

Grey long hair gives me the shivers its revolting.

Yeah I think it looks awful too.

First of all, your hair looks fine, OP. It doesn’t look awful or jarring with your complexion or uneven or anything. However, if you don’t like it, then why put up with it? It’s perfectly ok to choose to dye your hair 😊

I use natural dyes and not only do they cover the greys nicely, my hair is in better condition and I’m really pleased with them. These are the ones I use. You can mix them too, eg henna and indigo for a brown rather than an orangey red. Have a read round, see what takes your fancy and have a go (don’t worry about the ‘henna’ in the name, they have lots of natural dyes):

https://renaissancehenna.com

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If you hate it and think about it all the time then do yourself a favour and dye it back to brown. Life is too short for this when hair dye is available (and hair mascara touch up thingies for in between).

I think it's fine to say you don't want to be grey/don't like grey on you, so will keep dying your hair etc. I don't think it's fine to say grey hair looks awful etc., or make sweeping statements about it making everyone look 10/15/20 older, dyed hair looks so much better etc.
Before someone says 'it's just my opinion' which I'm entitled to give, imagine the reaction on here if someone made similar comments about being overweight and said 'just my opinion'.

'Grey long hair gives me the shivers its revolting.'

🙄

Start dying it again.

If you don't feel good about your grey hair there is no reason to put up with it.

I started having white hair in my early teens! which meant completely white hair when I was in my 30s. I am still dying it at 53. It took me a while to find the right product but now I colour it at home. I have shortish hair so it is not a big deal.

'@Soontobe60
Feminism is also about understanding why we make the choices we do. As many of the responses on this thread show, ageism is alive and thriving. Women dye their hair because they don’t like the way they look and think they’ll stay looking younger, ergo younger is somehow better than older.
We’re all subjected to such nonsense. We all buy into the anti wrinkle, anti grey, anti ageing story because that’s what’s pushed on us from every angle. It’s so depressing.'

Sigh...

Feminism is certainly not about judging other women for the choices they freely make about how they want their own body/face/hair to look or suggesting that if they enjoy dying their hair it must be because they are brainwashed by patriarchy and advertising. That's incredibly patronising.

It is a personal choice to dye your hair or not and that should be respected.

Go to a good salon, a colour lasts me 4/6 weeks, I'm no to grey

There are so many variants between grey & dark brown!
My roots always looked grey until I grew it out during lockdown down hoping I was going to be silver fox but sadly I wasn't! It's very salt & pepper!

I have highlights about once a year but not on the top layer of hair. I use a silver toner, there are no roots to worry about the grey is blended, i have a long choppy bob. It's not ageing any more than my face is aging or my menopause shape is aging!

I do resent the assertion that women who dye their hair are doing it for the patriarchy.

I dye mine (and use face cream and make up) because I prefer how I look with all of these things. I'm a feminist.