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Step-parenting

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Original poster

We see my stepsons but not the stepdaughter.

13 replies

citybranch · 27/06/2010 23:53

My DH has 3 children, 2 DSs (9 + 12) and a DD of 6.

He has never been allowed to have access to his DD and only glimpses her on the doorstep. She calls him by his first name

We have 2 young DC ourselves and have been married 2.5 years.

I need to convince my DH that he has to go to court over this but he finds it very difficult (was an emotionally abusive relationship and he still believes he has no rights because he left before DD was born).

It can't be right that a little girl sees her brothers coming over for fun weekends while she is left behind. I feel so sad.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
citybranch · 27/06/2010 23:55

I meant to say that we have the DSSs every other weekend and have done for over 3 years. We also take DSS1 for regular hospital appointments etc. They are very happy visiting us.

OP posts:
Daffydilly · 28/06/2010 13:21

Does this little girl know your DH is her Dad? If she does I would think it's only a matter of time before she has something to say about the situation herself.

2rebecca · 01/07/2010 11:16

Is there a stepdad in her life? Is your husband paying for her? If no father figure in her life and husband paying I would consider going to court, but he is maybe concerned that would jeopardise him seeing the older kids he has a relationship with.
If she has a stepdad then it may be best to just send her presents and cards with from dad on them, and to correct her when she calls him by his first name and say "no, I'm your dad" and to try persuading his ex to allow access. Does he have pr if he left before she was born? Is it an expartner or an exwife?

Original poster
citybranch · 03/07/2010 10:19

Hi, only just saw these responses. Thanks for taking the time to reply!

Daffy - I think she does know that he is her dad. Birthday cards etc are always signed Dad, and she has his surname. However she does call him by his first name, she could be confused.

2rebecca - No stepdad in her life and never has been. We also pay full CSA amount, plus a large cheque twice a year on top, plus clothing. (although the DD gets less clothing/shoes, purely because we don't know what fits her!)

He does have PR for her. It is an expartner.

DH used to see her on the doorstep which was better than nothing but he rarely goes to the door now as the XP always starts an argument in front of the DCs. Moe recently he has gone to the door to see her, but the DD is always physically removed from the window/door before the door is opened (he sees this)..... then XP says 'she's in the bath'.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/07/2010 00:30

Why has he left it 6 years before thinking of going to court?
I don't get men who do this. How many women would leave it 6 years before going to court to get access to their daughter?
There's obviously something stopping him. If he left before she was born and a new guy moved in he may have thought it best not to confuse the girl, although even then I wouldn't not see my kid just because my ex got a new girlfriend. if there is no father figure in her life he seems quite negligent.

booyhoo · 04/07/2010 00:35

i also dont get how he has let this go on for 6 years, a child he has fathered, has PR for, writes cards to, pays money to and has her brothers every other weekend whilst glimpsing her in teh doorway. how has he let that happen. he owes this little girl bigtime. she has watched her brothers go away to see her daddy (whether or not she knows he is her dad, she will one day and she will remember that 'he didn't want me, only the boys'.)

Original poster
citybranch · 04/07/2010 14:30

I know.

He went through a long time of depression early on and although it is no excuse, I think he just didn't have any fight in him.

Early on there was a year or so where she didn't allow him to see the boys at all, and then one day she changed her mind and let them come. I think he has always been hoping that she would change her mind and let the DD come, and that he wouldn't have to drag it all through court.

It sounds like excuses doesn't it? I don't really understand what has gone on in his head. He left when she was pg with the DD you see, and she always told him that because he left, he will never have any right to know his DD. He really believes this now, he believes he has no right.

(It was a controlling relationship, he was insulted every day, ex deprived him of sleep daily - he's a night shift worker but she would scream and shout all day so he could never sleep, she ran up huge secret debts.... just a few examples but he was a wreck of a man, maybe still is..)

OP posts:
Original poster
citybranch · 04/07/2010 14:46

Also, she has always said that even if he did get a court order she would move so far away so that we'd hardly see any of them.

I don't believe a word of it, she needs us because we take DSS1 for hospital appointments (although I have no idea why she never wants to take him herself).

Unfortunately DH does believe her, I think he is probably still scared of her after all these years. That's why we tiptoe around her, managing all the hospital appointments, paying extra money etc. Because he's petrified of her!

I must mention it makes me very and I worry about the DD every day. I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

Luckily DH is coming out of the fog about it all now, after all this time. I hope he will go to court. Like you say, he's letting his DD down

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/07/2010 15:39

I understand the concerns about moving. I think it's a shame that with separated parents there can't be some sort of clause stating that the parent with residency can't move more than 50 miles from the original address if the nonres parent regularly sees the kids without consent of both parents. On the other hand I'm not sure I really want my taxes spent on legal aid with parents fighting about this sort of stuff.
It's a shame all parents can't put the kids first.

Original poster
citybranch · 04/07/2010 20:54

indeed. In this case though, our income is too much for legal aid, + dh's xp has too much equity in her house to qualify for it. We've also tried for mediation in the past but she refused. Apparently you cannot claim legal aid if you don't attempt mediation first.

OP posts:
Original poster
citybranch · 04/07/2010 20:59

also, was reluctant to add this in case it identifies us too much, but dss1 has cancer, diagnosed over 2yrs ago. Everyone knocked for 6 by this, felt it inappropriate to haul everyone through court. Please try not to judge my dp too much, he really hasn't known what to do for the best. He wants to put it all right for all his dcs.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/07/2010 21:46

Sounds like he should contact families need fathers. Court cases to see kids don't have to be expensive.

2rebecca · 04/07/2010 21:49

Can understand your husband not wanting to have legal proceedings and hassle at the moment and wanting to ensure he stays in contact with his ill son.

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