"Can't buy me love" - Older stepkids, their demand's for money and lurking ex's

[ElenorRigby]

I've read a few posts on here recently about older step children who see dad and sometimes step mums too, as cash cows. They demand money and stuff (phones, laptops, hair straighteners etc etc) whilst being rude sometimes only contacting dad or step mum to demand and then disappear until the next "I want"
It often seems on these threads that dad is so fearful he could loose his child's affections he gives in and facilitates the child's poor behaviour making it worse.
Sometimes an ex worsens the scenario by prompting the kids to pump dad/step mum for cash/ stuff.

DP and I aren't facing this scenario atm the mo as DSD is only 6.

Reading these thread's it's my view that trying to buy a child's affection is the high road to hell.

I'm interested in the thoughts/experiences of those who are or have been there. I hope we never have to face similar situations with DSD in the future.

I don't think that you will face it because DSD is very young and so you have time to built up a proper relationship.
My DS was only 6 when I met DH, he is an adult now and they have the same relationship as our joint DCs. He wouldn't dream of doing the 'I want'. This is because DH has always given him time which is far more important than money. DCs know when they are being bought off with 'guilt' money. Parents do it all the time-they don't have the time so they make up with material goods and it is hardly surprising that they are seen as having a money tree.
I think you will be fine. Buying any DCs affection is the high road to hell.

I agree that you probably won't face this as you have an established realationship with DSD from a young age. Furthermore, I'm assuming everybody concerned has behaved properly during any divorces etc.

I'll give you a different scenerio (true):

Dad runs off with a woman 25 yrs his junior (without telling teenage DCs in advance). Dad divorces mum, screws her financially. Mum is left with sole care of 4DCs, very short of money. Dad and step mum living high life - going on 8 holidays a year, living in big family home, lots of posh toiletries in bathroom etc (you get the picture!) - honestly, how do you expect the DSKs to feel (when they now live somewhere where there are no longer enough bedrooms for them and their mum is doing manual jobs when she is too old/tired) and indeed the exW who spent her life bringing up DCs and did nothing wrong. Heard from the mouth of one of the teenage DCs in this case "I am going to milk him for as much money as I can (like if taken shopping). He doesn't care about me so I'll have to make do with money as it's the only thing I can get from him (ie no love/time)."

Some of this is just about teenagers just seeing their parents as money sources (and hotel services) though and applies to all teenagers not just stepkids. When I was a teenager my mum used to have the moan that I "used this place as a hotel" and if I came up to her fopr a chat she knew I wanted something.
Most teenagers don't have regular chats with their parents and do tend to use them, no matter what sort of family they are from.
My husband's kids are now teenagers and are usually only on the phone if they want stuff. I know they love their dad though and also that their mum gets the same demands, but probably more regularly.
In the last post I think it's sad that the teenagers don't realise that just because their dad has chosen a different wife it doesn't mean he's rejecting them. Adults shouldn't feel chained to a loveless marriage because their children will then be told by the other parent that they no longer love them.
I left my husband for another man, but even if my husband had got residency of the kids I would never let them feel I had left them or didn't love them. Children even teenage ones have to realise divorce is the parents (or 1 parent)not wanting to live together and nothing to do with the parents not loving them. I suspect this woman is very bitter and putting that on the kids which is sad.

Isn't it pretty par for the course that teenagers just fleece you for money left, right and centre ? My lovely dsd is really good at this. She tries it on with dh and I separately and also with her mum.

She is acutely aware of everything that dd gets that she thinks she doesn't - even though we try desperately hard to make sure they are treated the same. But I think inevitably dd will get more spent on her as she lives with us.

Yesterday dsd wanted another £20 and was trying to argue that because dd goes to parties and I buy gifts for the birthday child that I should give her exactly the same in cash to make it fair. I was trying to explain to her that she couldn't have exactly the same as dd because she also had money and things bought for her by her mum - so effectively she had "stuff" from her dad, from me and from her mum, whereas dd only has "stuff" from dh and I. So from moaning "it's not fair" about dd, she then shrugged her shoulders and said "well I can't help that can I" when it was in her favour .

I think money and anything to do with it when it comes to blended families and exes can be a minefield full of emotions.

It is the highroad to hell, without a shdow of a doubt, but whats the alernative?

Dp's teenager kids (16 & 18) get in touch twice/three times a year, birthday/xmas/summer hols. He sends a cheque, if he didnt they would never get in touch at all, and that would be it. It drives me mad, but I suppose they are his children, and if sending cheques 3 times a year is what it takes to maintain a level of contact however poor it may be then its got to be worth it.

They arent interested in being part of our lives, despite phone calls/visits, there is nothing else we can do,blood is thicker than water though, they'll always be his children no matter what they do/dont do

I have to be very careful what I say, they arent my kids, I dont have that bond with them, I cant ever imagine having that relationship with my son, but then he's only 2

I disagree that it can be avoided.

My DSDs have been 'DSDs' for the last 10 years and still pump for everything they can get.

Even this last weekend gone, they did nothing but talk about THIER birthdays - even though they didn't even buy their brother a card - never mind a present... they'll still expect me to roll out the red carpet for them and their friends come their parties.

I do think much of it comes from their mum. I know my DSDs constantly get told to 'get dad to pay' - so they do, he usually does, etc etc.,

They pretty much only ever call when they want something. Infact, they ONLY ever call when they want something.

Pisces it worries me because DP's ex is very materialistic and a sponger. DSD will see this behaviour and of course it will influence her.
We do our best by steering her away from such and explaining why we do what we do. For instance we buy DSD's clothes nearly always from charity shop's explaining that they were passed on from another child who enjoyed them, to her and when she had outgrown them they would be put away until her sister was big enough to enjoy them to.
We teach her to save her pennies in her piggy banks/ that money doesnt just come from ATM's you have to work to put the money in first/ rewarding her when she's been helpful, kind or clever.
It seems to be working thus far but I still worry. It would really do my head in if she gravitated to her mothers modus operandi.