Step-mom raising step-kids: Am I the only one out there who has to be the bitch?

[Moski]

I am new to Mumsnet, so forgive me if I am reinventing the wheel. I have been raising my two stepsons (blended family) since they were 5 and 9 (now 17 and 20). Their mom is just a voice on the phone to whom the boys feel "they can talk about anything because she won't judge or lecture them." Of course she never has to "get into it" with them because she doesn't wait up past curfew, put the ketchup bottle back in the fridge for the 69,000th time, or tell them they have to do their chores. DH wants to be the good guy all the time. What to do?

Where is mum? Does she see them?

She lives in Florida and we live in Boulder, Colorado. She has tried to kill herself several times and is pretty messed up. When my DH and I married, she lived across the street and they split custody. Soon after, she dropped the ball and stopped taking care of them. We have had them full time ever since.

Talk to us. You've been doing this for a long time. What's prompted your post? Do you have any kids of your own?

I just found Mumsnet when I typed a Google inquiry in the middle of the night "HELP, I hate my teenager!" I read some of the threads that showed up and felt so much better not alone. I have a son (16) who suffered a severe traumatic brain injury when he was 10. He is now giving me fits. But the other two have been exhausting as well. So many people in the US talk about how perfect their kids and lives are. Mumsnet is different.

moski, i'm always the villain of the piece. DSD1(16) is finnally emerging from the dark side and we are getting on a lot better but if DH scolds it's all my fault

DSD2(13) has never liked me despite the fact that i've cared for her since she was 1, but i think that has more to do with her mums attitude towards me. DSD1 was always daddy's girl so was treated very badly by her mum when they split, whereas DSD2 always got her own way. even now when there is an argument that is started by DSD2, her mum always blames DSD1 (even if she's not there). i've always treated them the same, they don't get any more or less than DS and DD, they all have the same chores to do and all the rest so when they do play up it's a big kick in the teeth for me.

i'm still hanging in there though, in the hope that at some point DSD2 and i will have a good relationship. however at this moment in time i can see pigs flying

My DSS1 and DSS2 think their lives would be so much easier if I weren't around. They think they would have no rules, etc. Any time DH scolds, they are convinced I'm behind it. I feel like a convenient scapegoat. My husband and his former wife have always been much more focused on DSS1 than on DSS2. I have tried to pay special attention to DSS2 as a result. I also had stepparents as a child (two stepdads) and I'm afraid I project my own feelings about stepparents on my stepkids. I'm sure they must think I'm yicky.

I have nothing useful to say about step-parenting I'm afraid, because I have no experience, but I just wanted to say welcome to Mumsnet and I hope you find it a useful place for advice and support, and to let off some steam and have a laugh.

Lucky you. I'm enjoying the humor and perspective on Mumsnet a lot!

Can't help with this really but welcome to MN. I'm in the US too. There are a few of us up late in the evenings when everyone else is tucked up in bed.

i suppose it's a bit like when i was convinced i was adopted and told my mum that my "real" mum would let me do x,y,z now when mine say that i tell them it's a good thing i'm not their mum cos they know i won't put up with shite from them plus they know i'm easier going than either of their parents so it's not even a valid excuse lol!

It feels good to know others are out there. Where in the US?