What do you do with phone-mad teens?!?!?!?!

[ladygrace0203]

Desperately looking for some help/advice please!!!!!

My husband's children visit EOWE and they're getting to the age now where they don't like to join in with everything. (We live too far from them to see them any more than this, though we usually have them longer during school holidays).
He has a girl, 13 and a boy, 10.

My stepson generally likes to join in things like if we watch a film whereas my stepdaughter won't really do anything with us and even if she starts joining in an activity she will say she is "tired" and go off to bed. We try to get them out to places like to go to a cafe occasionally or even just a walk to the local park and even this is incredibly difficult, she will complain she wants to go home and I don't think she likes to be seen in public with us.

I was looking forward to having them with us over Summer but my stepdaughter didn't do much joining in and even visiting family or friends she would briefly say hello and talk and then go and be on her phone. The phone is also a big point of contention as she will throw a huge tantrum if we try to take it off her. It sounds as though her mum doesn't really have rules around the phone so even though in our house we do try to establish that each parent has different rules, it makes it harder to justify no phone time as it is obviously something she is used to being able to access at all times.

Next weekend we are due to have them but last weekend it was just boring. I feel like I can't busy myself doing other things in case his daughter does want to do something and both children are always asking "what are we doing this weekend" before they come to visit, but with the cost of living we are finding it much harder to afford activities and because both children tend to seem disinterested I don't really want to spend money on something just for them to want to go home (which has happened before).

Anyone else deal with this? Any and all advice gratefully received !!!!!

Have a non-negotiable time where phones aren't allowed, such as watching a movie together or having dinner. Other than that, I wouldn't be too strict- phones are free entertainment, don't drag them off to stuff where you are spending money and they aren't bothered! How about cooking a meal together you can all participate in, like making homemade pizza?

I would probably make my own arrangements once a month and go and see friends or something.

Entertaining these children is DH responsibility. I wouldn’t like feeling trapped in my own home.

What do you do at the weekends with the step dc other then a walk or going to the cafe?
She sounds totally bored.

Ask them for some suggestions of what they’d like to do. It sounds like you’re stuck between not wanting to do anything in case you waste you’re money as they don’t want to join in and not doing anything so they’re bored and resort to their phones.
Find out their hobbies and interests and see what’s available locally that they’d enjoy.

We used to do more until they started refusing or wanting to go home. What would you suggest ?

You need a two-pronged approach. Number one is absolute hard lines over phone use (no phones at dinner, no phones after a certain time in the evening, no phones during social activities). This is for their wellbeing as well as to teach them manners. Number two is some sort of family activity that everyone genuinely enjoys. This might take a lot of trial and error and thought but there has to be something. I know families who love dog-walking, craft, watching films, skiing, shopping, board games. Once you find a 'family activity' that creates not just a thing you can do together, but also a shared interest you can talk about and plan for. It does sound a bit like they need hobbies too. My teens and tweens entertain themselves at home doing their hobbies (music, reading, craft).

These approaches will only work if your DH is on board and is capable of laying down the law on phone use. As we know as adults, the phone will always draw you in if it is available. He is their parent too and has the right to non-negotiable rules about this stuff.

This is tricky because at 13 I’m guessing all she really wants to do is hang out with her friends, which she can’t do as you live too far away. I agree all you can do is set up boundaries around phone use as Pps above suggest. One family activity out of the house per weekend, even if it’s just a walk somewhere local, and the other day a phone-free activity indoors like movie etc

This isn’t the same as a nuclear family limiting a teens phone time.

you have said you live far away.

teens want to be with their friends, that’s normal.

her coming to you is far away from her friends so the only way she can be with them is to be on her phone.

I would change completely how he sees his daughter, he should drive to hers and take her out. Shopping or whatever she likes to do.

You need to provide some non screen options. Living away from their home means they are really at your mercy.

parkrun, swimming, an escape room, board game tournaments, baking, doesn’t matter what it is but it needs to be fun & probably involve nice snacks. Start with 2-3 hours and build it up from there

The phone issue: DSS phone stays downstairs from 9.30pm. No phones for anyone at dinner. My DH regularly goes through the phone to monitor activity.

The weekend boredom thing: Kids are allowed be bored. You don't need to do something every weekend with them... just have enough stuff at your house for them to be normal teens.

Well a walk or a cafe aren’t particularly fun things to do as a teen… what about the cinema, escape room, games hub, rage room etc?

Our teens wouldn't want to go to a cafe, now cinema and escape rooms, arcades they are in

My kids are 10/13 and they don’t want to walk to the park with me either. Maybe think about ‘one’ thing to do over a weekend. I also like the idea of your husband going to them sometimes.