My adult (25) stepson is a very difficult person. Since I met him 8 years ago I've seen him manipulate and lie to my DH and have heard many tales of what a difficult child and young man he has been. Excluded from schools, banned from clubs, driving bans, rude to family members. There's too much to detail here. I honestly feel he has some undiagnosed need and have only ever been supportive and open to my DH seeing him, despite how badly he treats us.
He didn't come to our wedding as he had stormed off a year or so prior saying saying we were 'dead' to him.
However, my DH for whatever reason (guilt? Although he was left alone when his wife left with my stepson) just will not deal with his awful behaviour nor prioritise our marriage when this lad is rude to me or make demands that my DH gives in to, without telling me. He recently confessed that his son punched him a couple of years ago and I found out last week through my step son (in an awful situation that DH let me walk straight into) that his Dad lent him a huge amount of money a few months ago. I reeled at this (without letting on I hadn't known out of loyalty to DH) as DH hadn't talked to me about this at the time or shared with me since, even knowing I was going to be seeing his son and, given his normal behaviour choices, he was very likely to tell me. I was shattered when I found out and we had an awful couple of days, I felt so betrayed and my DH just does not understand this. It was his money and if he had asked my advice I would in all likelihood have advised against the loan but ultimately supported him. This hurt so much.
Again, my step son has been over today and was disrespectful towards me. Again, DH did nothing, claiming afterwards that he didn't notice- it was over a 10 min period in which he was standing with us and I left the room afterwards not coming back in until he'd taken his son home. We've had another awful row and I just don't feel this marriage is worth anything. DH time and time again tries to find ways of justifying his son's behaviour and the ways in which he lets him get away with it. I have heard so many times over the years there will be no more money/visits/trips/treats etc and 'he's a changed person' that these words are now empty and DH cannot understand why I can't accept them anymore.
I can't seem to make DH understand that for us, it is not actually my step son that is the problem here, but him and his unwillingness to put us, me and our marriage first. That he won't stand up for me and put us first. I don't feel this is unreasonable as this is a grown man we're dealing with, not a child, who has never been left to really deal with the consequences of his behaviour. There's so much more to all of this but I've probably lost most readers already, so thank you if you've got this far!
What can I do? I dearly love my husband and in all other ways our marriage is good. I just don't know anymore if I can get over the lack of boundaries, consistency, support and concern for our marriage. I feel that underneath everything my husband does not value or want to protect what we have and I'm heartbroken by this. He wants to sweep it all under the carpet as ever, and I cant do that anymore.