Step daughter never visits anymore

[Anuta77]

My SD (19) lives with her mother about 40 min away. She has a good relationship with me and her father and when she was younger, seemed to love our son (8). My husband used to pick her up and bring her back every other weekend and of course, it's very understandable that she would have other plans and with age would come less often.

The thing is that during the whole summer, she only came for her fahter's bday in the beginning of June. She doesn't work, but has a music band. It's very understandable that she wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend with us anymore, but not even one night or evey half a day?

I see online pics of her not only with her friends, but quiet often with her mother's friends (and their children who are younger than her). Her mother basically seems to have 2 close friends and they have many parties and activities. To this, add her mother's partner's family's activities, the SD basically has no time for us. My husband says that she's busy and doesn't want to disturb her. When she announces to him that she has a some free time, he just drives to see her, which happens about once per month.

Am I wrong to think that an young adult child could find some little time for her father and little brother and not just fully priorize everything and everyone else?

Of course it’s on her terms, it’s her life! She’s still maintaining a good relationship with her father so I can’t really see the problem. She isn’t obliged to miss out on things she wants to do so that she can provide entertainment for a sibling who is over ten years younger than her.

If you want to see her for your son’s benefit then invite her to do something or go somewhere that will interest her. She might want to join you, she might not. And at her age, that is ok.

My dad would also say that im busy and doesnt want to disturb me, but it means he either never actually makes plans with me or asks me to do something when i've already made other plans, other people actually make plans with me and make them in advance, so thats why i end up seeing them more, as you've noted about her seeing her school friends or mothers friends - does that sound like it could be the case here?

She knows we're less active than her mother and she wouldn't interfere at all. To be honest, we like nature, hiking and she doesn't. So nothing that we do seems more interesting than a party with mother's friends (they are 3 families who seem to be very often together, so I guess it feels like family to her). I personally would invite her more often for a dinner, but when we do, she barely interacts with us (and it's not because she doesn't love us), she seems bored, often on her phone that I almost feel bad doing that. We would need to invite someone else and then she transforms lol

It’s fairly normal for a 19yo to want their own life.
but also, he only saw her EOW for what ten years of her childhood. That’s 10% of time. I’m guessing he was the one to move away from her too? So, as a result of his choices when she was younger, they are never going to have a particularly close relationship. Not compared to her mother who did 90% of her upbringing.

Her mother didn't want a shared custody and DH was very attached to her mother, even slept with her until 12. When she was with us for more than 3 days, she would ask when she'll see her mother. And my son is about her age and she played with him a lot and I took care of her the same way as my own son. It wasn't because she wasn't treated well, she was just very very close to her mother. So my husband respected that. Trust me that she wouldn't want a shared custody, I asked her once.
And she's not building her life away from parents, as I mentionned just over the summer, I saw several events with her mother and the mother's friend's or the mother's partner's family.

I understand you as I had a similar dad and stepmother. And because of that, I never interfered in their relationship. He did go eat with her alone even when she was coming to stay with us and now, since he only sees her close to her house, he goes to see her alone.
My husband is really not the type to put me first either lol.
I actually had an impression that SD had to please the mother's partner as once her mother called her to remind her to wish him happy father's day (my husband never reminds her about mother's day or my birthday) and in general, as soon as other people come, she transforms. With us, she's probably more herself as she doesn't make efforts to have a conversation.

Yes, he goes alone and when I can, I go too.
While I understand that an 8 year old brother might not be the most interesting person, her mother's friend's daughter must be about 11 and another friend's daughter just turned 15, so it's not like they are exactly her age and she hangs out with them.
My 18 year old son does find something to do with his 8 year old brother, such as just playing around or board games.

This is the first time you have mentioned that you have an 18yo son too! How does she get on with him?

Maybe?
I do ask my 18 year old to spend some time with us as I kind of feel that family should not be the very last thing, but my DH seems to feel bad to disturb. Not because he doesn't love her or wants to see her, but because he doesn't seem that he's important enough for her to sacrifice anything or make any efforts.
But at the same time, she has refused to travel with us or every prefered her mother's friend's birthday over my son's birthday (they played together since age 8), so I do think that we are less of a priority for her and that partially might have shaped DH's opinion.

They used to be very close as kids, but as she hit puberty, she pretty must lost interest. So they have a good relationship as in, they chat a bit when they see each other, but that's it. They even study at the same college, but just say hi when they see each other.

EOW doesn't mean that he didn't see her outside of her visits and her mother didn't do 90% of her upbringing. DH is the one who registered her for schools and activities as the mother didn't speak the language of the country we live well. SD wouldn't have want to be dragging herself from house to house and DH also considered that children need stability. The shared custody is for parents, not for kids.