How can I best support my husband and my stepchildren after their mother's death?

[madhattermoments]

Hello all. I’m very new here, I don’t really know how this works but honestly I’m seeking advice

I (F. 35) have one child with my partner (newborn son. Seven weeks) and he has two of his own. (Two sons. Seven and nine) their Mum recently died and I honestly don’t know what to do. Seven year old doesn’t fully understand it and thinks Mum went on a holiday - Nine year old doesn’t want to talk about it

My husband is understandably distraught at the loss of his boys Mum and I’m wondering just what I can do to help

I’m not the reason they split. I just want to put that out there.

She made the decision because she had cancer and didn’t want to drag him down with her, from what I know both my stepsons were very aware that Mummy was poorly and now school has started up we’ve had tears and anxiousness

The funeral is this weekend and I honestly don’t know how to handle this. What can I do? Would I be overstepping if I talked to the school? Should I make meals for stepsons grandparents and have them dropped off. I really want to be helpful

I know I’ll be judged for this. I’m honestly planning for that but if anyone has been through a similar thing - please just pop on the thread

Are the children not living with you and their dad? How awful for them all. I think you need to be guided by your husband and see what he wants you to do

@bestbefore they live with us full time as of two weeks ago. As I said my husband is understandably very upset

Im honestly happy to take on the heavy load as he grieves with the boys. I just want to know how I can help to be honest

Ah ok sorry it’s just you said about the meals for grandparents. Sorry I don’t have any advise but I would just think to try and have conversations about what needs doing and what they want you to do.

@bestbefore their grandparents are grieving. She’s their daughter after all. I get on well with her family. I just want to help mostly

I think there’s a bereavement charity for children called Winston’s wish. I would definitely be arranging for them to get some counselling and professional support.

make sure they have everything from her house that they want right now and make sure all meaningful things are kept so they have them in future.

will they be getting a meaningful inheritance from her (her house? Life assurance?) and if so have you got appropriate financial vehicles for that?

have they had any input to the funeral? Chosen songs or anything they loved to share with her?

did she have brothers or sisters? Are they boys close to her parents? If so I’d make sure they keep up contact with her side of the family who will be able to talk to them about their mum and share in their love for her.

going forward think about how you will mark things like her birthday, Mother’s Day, anniversary of her death.

So much happening for you and the kids and your DH.

You are in this for the long haul and you have a new born. I’d support as you are but additional steps like meals for the in-laws feels like a lot on top and you can’t risk burn out atm. Are there other family members supporting them ? Kindly they aren’t your responsibility. Perhaps get them a cook delivery of finances allow.

Is DH at work? With DH agreement by all means talk to the school- esp if he’s working and they need to come home for any reason they need connect with you and context.

this is a lot and you sound lovely. Just make sure you are getting your needs met somewhere - by you and others when your DH will clearly be unable.

I think come up with the list of practical things you think you can do that takes the load of your husband and supports step kids. Then run the ideas past him, in short bursts not all at once And all he has to do is say yes or no. Be clear no reason required, if he says no so less pressure.

Have you met the grandparents? If not doing meals might be a bit much but contacting them to offer, or just ask how you can help would be kind.

Also I'd be contacting DH's parents or siblings if he has good relationships with them, to ask them to keep an eye on him and kids as well. You can't be everything to him right now and his own family presumably knew his ex and he may be able to talk to them about her in a different way he can with you.

For school, has DH not told them yet? Because school definitely need to know so they can support kids. If he can't face it that is something you can offer to do, or at least arrange a meeting if school want one.

Also have a look at Child Bereavement UK/ Lots of advice there including about handling funerals in age appropriate ways.

Lastly, expect and prepare for some difficult behaviour from the the kids at some stage. They will feel all the feelings and some of that may be lashing out. Even them saying they wish their mum was still here and not you (which is not about you at all). On the other hands kids often get on with things surprisingly quickly post bereavement in a way that might seem a bit cold or selfish. Like caring more about sports or playdates or birthday parties than talking about mum. Don't judge them if they seem more interested in things that may seem trivial to an adult, it's part of the coping and adjusting process.

That sounds so hard, sending a big hug.

You sound like an amazing step mum and also a new mum trying to hold it all together.

As PP said, look for charities to reach out to that can help. Also remember to look after yourself too, you've got a lot on your plate as a new mum too. Do you have your own family support?

💐

My daughter's dad died when she was small so sadly I have some experience in this area.

Contacting Winstons Wish is a good suggestion.

What's the plan for the funeral? Are the children involved? It's generally considered good practice to give them a role. For example I attended one where the kids had done some drawings on the coffin. Sounds morbid but they should feel included.

Has anyone spoken to the school? Some schools will have a Bereavement Policy. It's absolutely critical they know, children do a lot of family-related work and it's come up many times with my daughter. I have had to for example coach her in how to respond to questions from peers (including "sorry, I don't want to talk about that"). You could consider a message on the school WhatsApp so all parents are aware, because otherwise it can become the subject of gossip.

In general, it's really important that communication is clear and unambiguous, sometimes to an extent that feels brutal. "Daddy had died and that means he can never come back and we can never see him again" is the type of phrase I've had to use with my daughter. You might need to speak to the 7 year old in these terms. Also think about how you will remember her - photos, memory boxes, visiting special places.

It's the work of a lifetime, I'm sorry to say.

Sorry, I haven't rtft so apologies if I'm doubling up on advice. Condolences to you all.

Ask the childrens school if they have an attached family support worker or counsellor to help support you all. Winstons wish is fantastic. Local hospices sometimes do work with bereaved children - art therapy etc.

Be led by the children, use open, unambiguous language and don't be afraid to talk about their mum if they want to. In time it might be nice to consider a memory box. Books that are great include The invisible string and Badgers parting gifts. Children often get a lot of comfort from these.

Definitely speak to Winston’s Wish.

Right now, focus on the practicals to get them through each day. I think your primary role in the coming days and weeks is to reduce the load on your DH so that he can focus on the older 2. Are you able to lean on your family more? If they can help you a little more with the baby, this gives you a little space to help DH.

It doesn’t have to be big things. Favourite meals, a place to relax and switch off. Low demands.

How awful for everyone op.

I think your role should be all the practical stuff in the background here, giving dh all the space and time he needs for his older children.

Don't worry about the grandparents right now. Looking after your immediate family, and your tiny baby, and still managing to find some joy in the newborn days, is more than enough for you to do right now.

Sending love to your whole family.

I’m so sorry I went quiet. This afternoon was hectic.

I had to rebook newborns eight week check up. And pick seven year old from school early. It was a whole nightmare but I’m going to answer as much as I can

DH is absolutely brilliant - with all three boys but he works most of the day (trader and a man of many talents) as I said I’m totally fine with the heavy loading. I informed the school and DH is looking into charities and therapy

I feel flat. Their bio mum was the loveliest woman but she couldn’t handle letting DH see her get worse. They divorced amicably three years ago. As far as I know she didn’t have siblings but she was very close to her parents and I wanted to make a few meals for them for the next week so that load was lighter

Thank you all for reading and responding so far

Im sorry I sound like a broken record

Seriously you need to look after yourself too to be able to support your immediate family (especially with a newborn). I really don’t think you need to be adding to your load by cooking meals for her parents?

Look after yourself too op. You can't pour from an empty cup and your newborn needs you too. Don't fall into the trap of doing everything because you'll burn out.

Great minds 😁

No advice other than what pps have said, but I just wanted to say that you sound really lovely, OP, and your husband and DSS are lucky to have you. Do try to make sure that you look after yourself and enjoy time with your newborn, and don't over-extend yourself

If you are going to end up with the kids permanently then it’s on your partner to lead in this with his ex in laws and maybe invite them over / arrange shared time together, I’m really sorry for your loss. Go well.

It sounds horrendous, but allow his parents to be of as much comfort and support as feels right.
As others have noted, be very careful as a new mum, you don't run yourself into the ground.

Going from none to 3 children is huge.
Take every bit of support offered.
Night feeds are exhausting.
Best of luck.