How should we handle ongoing conflict with my stepson's mother?

[Stepmumhopesanddreams]

Not sure what to do with the situation I'm in. I have been a step mum for 10 years to a wonderful boy who lives with us 50% of the time. He's great, his mum not so much. Since day one his mum continues to make life hard: we've never been allowed to have him on his birthday or Christmas morning. She regularly makes plans on the weekends he's due to be with us, she books holidays over holidays that we've given 6 months notice on. One year she wouldn't let my step son see his dad on father's day, then changed her mind part way thru the day and let them see each other for an hour. On mother's day she has him for the whole weekend, even if it's our allocated weekend. I've been forbidden from being in the room on his birthday parties held at local sports halls, only allowed to stand in the door way. My partner gets a torrent of accusations about me from her. He gets called all the names under the sun. She says things on phone calls to my partner like "don't shout at me", when he's being really quiet, clearly trying to influence someone in the room at her end. She freaked out this evening because i sent my step son a text about our plans for our weekend. Apparently I'm not allowed to do that. The most baffling of all is that she runs a step mum forum because she's a step mum to her new husband's kids and wants to support step mums like me. Its so sad that she puts us all in this situation, it makes things so much harder for my step son to be in the middle of it, however much we try to protect him.

How old is your DSS?

What does your husband do when she insults you for no reason?

He's great, he tells her not to speak about me that way.

He's a teenager now and we thought it might ease up as he gets older, but her controlling behaviour has meant that he struggles to have his own mind as she tends to override his preferences. She'll tell us that the change of plan to have him for hours during our family weekend to do a particular thing is what he wants but when we check with him he has no knowledge of it. So it continues.

I think your partner and ex wife need to go to mediation as this isn’t fair on anyone, most of all your step son who must feel like he’s being dragged from pillar to post. It may be that the family court need to set in stone a care plan for this poor young boy.

I’d turn up to one of her support groups OP

She sounds unhinged.

I think DSS dad needs to take the lead on contact, so you can avoid eruptions from the ex.

It won’t be long before DSS is just making his own arrangements directly with his dad so just keep your powder dry until then and don’t get dragged down to her level.

Sounds exactly like my DPs ex, except she takes it further and withholds contact for not agreeing with her demands. Only thing I would say is go to court to get an in writing order that clearly states what days you will have step son, what christmases each will have etc

I’d expose her on her stepmum group, post the screenshots of her unhinged messages.

Why do you feel the need to go to the birthday party of a child that is not yours. Do you stand in the doorway to make things awkward for everyone? It sounds like you want to be his parent and you find it hard that he already has a mum and so her just parenting her child you see as her being difficult.

And if she didn't turn up at his birthday parties you'd no doubt berate her for not caring about him. I get the feeling that whatever a Stepmother does it wouldn't be good enough for you.

Are you the mum?🕵️‍♀️

You sound like a crazy ex

He's been trying for years to get her to meditation but the only one she attended was to try and get more money from him (he's v generous), even the mediator eventually gave up trying to move the conversation to things that could make things better for DSS. She just v fixated on trying to make things hard for her ex.

Do you have a court order? Because then you have recourse because she just make him available for court ordered contact.

I know he’s a teen now and that’ll make thing harder because courts will often go with what a teen wants so your DH could discuss with him first. Ask him if he’s happy with current set up whereby the contact is changed on his behalf or if he’d rather have set contact she cannot change so things like holidays are set in stone.

Do not phrase it as his mum is being difficult as that’s not his cross to bear. But rather ask his opinion on contact and what he wants and then your DH consider court order based on what DSS says.

If this is the case then he will be able to go to court, get an order in place will stop all of the nonsense on her part

This! I access stepmum support and advice online as it’s all so difficult (mostly thanks to the children’s mum) and I’d feel so annoyed and betrayed if I knew I’d been sharing my woes with a woman who fuels the hatred and misery.