Partner's kids refuse to meet me

[Buttonsmum67]

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

Ok. You don't need to be so nasty about it? I've come here in favour of his children to ask opinions. You can do that nicely 👌

They have just said they aren't ready x

Right, so he's the one pushing to move in with you?

I was of the opinion that they will come round eventually to the idea of dad with a new gf.
Has their mum got a new partner btw ?
If so have they excepted him?

@Buttonsmum67 after your update I would be concerned about his willingness to prioritize his relationship with you over them.

Correct. I do not want him to lose his flat where his kids can come and see him and then they feel there is no where to go. I want our relationship to progress and he's trying to convince me but I'm still unsure this is a wise choice because of the children's well being.

If he’s really planning on telling them that he is moving in and marrying you then I think that it’s going to negatively affect his relationship with the kids and that he is the one that should feel guilty. For example he would have to book a restaurant so that he got to eat Christmas dinner with the kids as he wouldn’t want to leave you at home when he saw extended family.

Unless he’s going to be living completely rent and bill free with you then it won’t free up money will it? It will just be redirected to you.

I said this. Apparently they said they will be spending Christmas with their mum so he's using that as leverage. He will see them over Christmas at their godfathers house he's saying.

He's pushing to come and live with you for free? Against the wishes of his children? And proposing, once more with feeling, to cock lodge?

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick here. He's paying for a flat. Wants to move in with me. Why would he be living with me for free? His kids haven't even been told so it's not against their wishes? I think you need to re read my post. I am on the kids side here?

What kind of flat that can comfortably sleep 4-5 people is he renting in London for £1000pcm?!

And why do the children not have computers at his flat?

I'm just wondering how well set up is for them?

He won't be living completely for free no. I am mortgage free so it will just be bills and food contributions. The rest can be used on his kids?

I have to say the fact he’s taking the “they’ll just have to deal with it” stance would be a red flag to me, if there’s any sure fire way to push your kids away for good it’s to back them into a corner. If living together is something he really wants then he needs to be working on building bridges with his children and slowly working towards that as an end goal at a pace everyone is happy with.

As an aside though, if the flat is £1000 a month and he doesn’t want to keep spending that for 2 nights a month (although if he was single he’d be paying it so…) then could another option not be to put that £1000 to one side and then on his nights he can stay in a hotel, apartment or air bnb with them?

This makes no sense. He won’t be saving 1k per month because he will be paying towards bills and rent at yours?

He is pushing to move in, but you aren’t that keen?

Then he shouldn’t move in.

Why, exactly, do you need to live together?

Leverage?

I know you feel attacked but I don't know what you see in this man.

So would he not contribute if he moved in. ?

Personally I don't think he should as it's not fair on his kids. The fact that he's willing to make his kids feel uncomfortable/not have a home with him speaks volumes about him and his priorities. When they are adults he can make decisions like this.

It's his choice but I'd be wary, in another year you may be posting about your free loading dp and rude kids who have taken over your house!

Don't you think it's rather worrying though that you're more 'in favour' of his children then their own dad?
That's major alarm bells for me, not someone I'd have moving in.

Apparently they said they will be spending Christmas with their mum so he's using that as leverage.

Sounds like you’ve got yourself a peach!

He doesn't. He has a 2 bedroom flat the two older ones share a room as they do at their mums and little one has his room when they stay and dad sleeps on the sofa. They have thousands of pounds of gaming equipment computers which he bought them for their mums house.

It's really sad he is not involved more in his kids lives. Why can't they stay with him and come and go to their friends/ clubs etc. does he live far from them? Sounds like he's living a single life. Moving in with you is a sure fire way to isolate his kids further.

So he is only planning on actually having them and looking after them himself when they agree to meet and live you when they are with him?

And by looking after himself I mean, he will be expecting you to do it.

His kids are still young. They need a safe place to see Dad without you there right now. Maybe he could find a cheaper place?
Kids need quality time more than anything when their family has been torn apart. They are also at delicate ages when you might think they are old enough to handle things.. but in reality, they cant.

Help him put his children first and it will pay off for both of you long term. Getting it wrong could be detrimental for everyone.

Seems odd that you don’t want him to move in, are now claiming you’re “on the kids side” but you have mentioned multiple times repeatedly he will be saving this £1k.

I’m sure split bills in large family home will be more than in his small flat. Plus he needs to commute further to work. I can’t imagine he’s going to be saving much. Hardly a reason.
Move in with a woman your kids don’t know, where his kids can’t stay all to give them less than £100 a month?

They’re not little. OP wasn’t the OW and it’s not normal for a 15 and 14 year old to be behaving like this (or a 12 year old for that matter). I suspect the mum is bad mouthing you.

He can get an Airbnb for the weekends he sees them if they really can’t be around you. However if I were him I’d get them counselling because this isn’t normal.