Partner's kids refuse to meet me

[Buttonsmum67]

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

OP, you sound like a nice, thoughtful person. Your OH does not.

As for haemorrhaging money, it is called paying rent (or a mortgage) in exchange for a place to live. He has 3 children and HE needs to provide a place for them to stay. The cynic in me sounds like he has set them up at their mums with 'thousands of pounds worth' of gaming equipment to ensure they don't come over much!

Now he wants to move into his girlfriends mortgage free house. Well of course he bloody does. Spins it that he will have more money to spend on the kids he doesn't seem to be very interested in. He doesn't give a shit they don't want to meet you, he just wants to get his feet under your table.

The optics here aren't great OP. You say he is pushing for this move and it is you considering his children. The flag is red and flapping. I would think very carefully about allowing this to happen.

Also, 1k on a 2bd flat in London!! Where??

This doesn't sound like tough love it sounds like you care more about his children's wellbeing than he does. £1000 a month sounds very reasonable for a London flat that his children can stay at in the future. I would be wary, very wary. You sound very nice and he sounds like a selfish chancer.

Definitely this.

Don't forget the progression towards marriage, so the OP is also risking her assets and kids inheritance.

Anyone else spotted the red flags of this situation?

It's his decision, not yours. You sound like you've been very pleasant about everything.

As long as they're welcome at yours as and when I can't see an issue - from their point of view.

He could get an airbnb or holiday cottage for the weekend if his children want to stay with him but not meet you. Cheaper than a flat!

He does need to tell them though that he is in a committed relationship with you now and is moving in with you, so they should meet you. Probably easiest if it is on neutral territory to start with. Does he have parents or other relatives that accept you? Perhaps the children could go there to see them with their dad and you could be there too? Not as a surprise though.

So is your property large enough to accommodate 7 people re. bedrooms, bathrooms, dining, privacy, friend's visits etc. should that prove necessary?

From experience, this won’t resolve unless you force the situation. Kids that age don’t have the emotional maturity to address these feelings and get to the point where they say “ok, I’m ready”. It’s far easy for them not to address it at all and just continue doing things how they are.
But their dad deserves happiness, in a way which really does not take away from theirs, and he needs to address that with them it in a fair and sensitive way. Tell them that there will always be space for them at your new home and they will always be welcome.

But you said it would be a £1k pcm gain for him because he’s paying rent now on his flat, and wouldn’t be paying at yours. Which does make it sound like he’d be moving in with you rent free, and this may be why he is so keen to forge ahead regardless of his kids’ needs.

Putting aside what he wants, are you in a hurry to move him in with you?

You are taking on a lot of the mental and emotional load here OP, that should by rights sit with your partner. Your position here is clear and easy. Your partner is welcome to move in with you and you have space to facilitate his contact with his DC and are being fair and generous in opening up your home. Your offer is clear and it's entirely up to you DP to accept or decline and to manage his relationship with his children in relation to what he decides. I understand you love him and feel his worries are yours, but you need to keep a rein on that as it can lead to you feeling you need to plan and decide for everyone while he passively lets you. This is not a very good blueprint for an equal relationship. You've laid out your cards. Now sit back and wait for your DP to decide on his life.

Is he divorced? Is he able to afford a three bed flat so the sleeping arrangements mirror those at their mother’s?

He should keep his flat till at least when his youngest is 18, so that's 6 more years till you can move in together. I think that is only fair, considering his overall priority is the well-being of his children.

I think you are right to be concerned. I think he should wait a couple of years, let his eldest get GCSEs out of the way and see how things go then. I can't understand why he would move in with a woman his children haven't even met. They are probably still getting used to their parents not being together and if he pushes this, he could damage his relationship with them forever.

In that time OPs kids might have moved out as well. Nobody seems to be taking their feelings into consideration. Surely it's better for them to not have a man living with them, and definitely not a man with 3 younger kids, and they are so close to moving out.

I agree with this. It's not unreasonable OP that he moves in with you 3 years after he split from his wife.

er no. Spoilt brats shouldn’t get the golden spoon. He needs to man up and deal with his children. Let them know it was mummy who wanted another man so daddy was the one who lost out. This thing about him wasting £1000 etc… nope.

you got yourself accidental cocklodger there. You are not supposed to be subsidizing his children. Its an old mistake that the second woman always makes whether married or not. He should be investing that money smartly. If he’s got a thousand spare, why not spend 500 on your relationship and the other 500 on his kids. He can book fun trips with him etc.

I think you need to stand your ground, because if he moves in with you the kids will see it as your fault that they can't see him at his house any more (even though (a) they don't very much and (b) it's their choice not to meet you). To be honest, I find it a bit odd that they won't even meet you after 2 years, but I also think you have to respect their wishes if you want any kind of relationship with them in the future. It's like a sort of test.

I am skeptical of his motives. Obviously he will have much, much lower bills if he moves in with you so there may be an element of him wanting more free cash. He's not really considering his children in this.

@TheIranianYoghurtIsNotTheIssueHere echoes my sentiments.

All very odd. Is it just a room in a shared house that he has for £1,000 a month? Is that why the children don't stay?

It's a worry that you are more concerned about his children that he is. I'd be suspicious about why he doesn't want the children to meet you. I wouldn't even consider having him move in.

I disagree, parents have a duty to the kids they brought into this world and a duty to future partners that they have dealt with the previous relationships issues before they move quickly onto to someone else . like the op, who has to wait for this man to deal with issues ( or not deal with them as it appears) before she can move forward. the fact that the dad only sees his kids once a month is demonstrating their poor relationship and resolving this should be his priority. Why would a parent prioritise someone they have known only 2 yrs at the expense of their own children? There’s nothing to stop them continuing to date .

I think you should wait longer and he should improve his relationship with his children. One of my friends has recently married her partner after 12 years together - they maintained separate homes until all of their children (from their first marriages) were at university.

I'm not suggesting that you wait that long, but he needs to give his children more time to adjust. Perhaps revisit the situation in a year.

The thing is, if you guys are planning to move in together and get married then his kids are going to have to accept at some point that their dad has a life outside them, even if they don't want a part of it.

I'm on the fence about the flat, but it makes no sense financially to keep it for once or twice a month when they want to visit, I'd keep the flat for the time being to facilitate the relationship, but work on why they don't want to meet you with a view to transitioning slowly and get rid of the flat when everyone is ready, with a deadline of say a year from now.

It's okay for them to want to spend time with their dad alone, but it's not okay to pretend you don't exist and not let their dad have a life outside of them.

Does his ex wife have partner?

There’s 2 school years between them. There’s not “a lot of difference” in ages between 17 (whom you bizarrely referred to as ‘adult’) and 15 (who you bizarrely referred to a ‘little’).

Theres all sorts of weird dynamics going on in various areas with all this. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t have an active, regular, parental-type role in his kids’ lives, otherwise they’d have a proper home with him, their own bedrooms, half their stuff there, doing their hobbies from there etc… on a regular basis. Not the odd overnight once a month as a guest at Dad’s crash-pad which is un-lived in the rest of the time and not a home at all.

I really do feel for these young people, and for his ex-W as I bet she’s got a VERY different take on things to the one you’ve been spun by this peach of a man.

Yup. This. The way they are acting is not how a reasonable person acts and it’s for their parents to say this is not on and urge them to change their attitudes. You’re also completely right that their dad having a relationship doesn’t take away from their happiness. They stay with him one night a month so what, he needs to be on his own for the remaining 29 nights so that lickle 15 year old doesn’t get upset? Unless a parents new partner mistreats a child, it doesn’t harm them to have another kind supportive adult in their lives. I know there are some on here who like to think it does but in the real world that’s not true.

Maybe if he gives up his flat rental, and the kids want overnight contact, he could get an airbnb once a month for a night or two? or take them away for the weekend? with the rental income he is saving.
Whilst I do think kids have to be high on the priorioty list, they can't dictate how he lives his life.

How do you know that they refuse to meet you other than him having told you so.

Personally I think that language has come from him. It suits him to see his kids for a couple of hours once a month or so. You’re obviously a decent person so if the kids were open to meeting you then he knows that he would be being encouraged to see them more. So he’s created this narrative that they refuse to meet you so that compartmentalises his life nicely.

And now he’s going to give up his £1200 a month flat and … what? You’re going to have an extra £1200 to spend every month? Somehow I doubt it.

I don’t believe for a minute that the children have refused to meet you. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if they don’t even know you exist.

Personally I would walk away. Regardless of who has said what to who and how, this is never going to work.