Partner's kids refuse to meet me

[Buttonsmum67]

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

Is his flat social housing ? as that seems to be a very cheap rent for London - or is it not in London.

does he not own property anywhere ?

you will need to protect your paid for property very well ! maybe the first month's £1000 he saves on not paying rent would pay for you to have good financial and legal advice...

and your will - make sure your children get 100% of your property with no life long tenants - him !

I think its too soon to move in. Yes your children are a bit older, but life often throws curveballs to young adults in this age bracket and they may need to move in and out of your home over the next couple of years as their relationships end or they need somewhere to stay while they get back on their feet etc, and would they feel comfortable coming home with him living there? I would always want my kids to have somewhere they can live with no questions asked, and I wouldn't want to be having to consult a boyfriend to ask if thats OK.

I also think its not wasting 1k a month him paying for a flat - he needs to provide somewhere for his children to live until they are adults, and even if they aren't that keen on seeing him, they still need to know that their Dad has got their backs if needs be. Moving in with you would alienate them further.

Don't rush things. Wait until the kids are truly independent before deciding on anything.

He lives in London and is already paying £1000 for the small flat he has. Where do you suppose the reams of cash required to set up a home in London come from after divorce?

I would have assumed that everyone (including children of the age in this post) is aware that after divorce, there's less money. "Getting back on your feet" is likely to look like less space and less luxuries permanently. As the NRP, DP will be paying child maintenance and child benefit and it's likely the RP remained in the family home.

@Buttonsmum67 Kids only wanting to see their dad once a month suggests quite a lot of issues still going on ,surely? Is he not worried about that or has done anything to try and resolve it? Even if their dad wasn’t the guilty party in terms of an affair, the fact that he has got involved in another relationship only 1 year after the end of the end of his long marriage would be a problem for some kids…and personally I’d be nervous about having someone move in who hasn’t processed the breakdown of his marriage ,as I’d worry he’d just moved on too easily to another woman .

I agree with @Onelifeonly22. He should be proactive about setting up a meeting between OP and his children, if necessary with the prior and ongoing support of family counselling. This standoff has gone on too long and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to ever overcome.
I also agree with @MrsSunshine2b. Children do not get to dictate their parent's relationships, especially when that parent has given them plenty of time to deal with the trauma of a family split--in this case they've been allowed to avoid the OP for two years. Bottom line: Life is short and none of us knows how long with have with our DP.

It is all sounding very emotive and I am wondering who this language is coming from. It is normal to pay for accommodation, so he isn't really hemorrhaging money, he is paying for a place to live like we all do. Kids don't need hundreds spent on them each month, so suddenly having £1k freed up isn't going to make their lives markedly better or buy their love.

If you are totally honest, does it feel a bit like these are high pressure sales tactics from him? If he moves in you gain pin money for bills. He gets to live rent free and wants to marry you despite seemingly having no assets and you being mortgage free. If you die and he gets your house, his kids that won't even meet you could get the lot and your kids get nothing. Have a long hard think about who benefits here.

Will you benefit from any of the £1000pm he will be saving? I hope he makes a fair contribution.

He needs to ensure the children's wellbeing comes first but he can't be expected to put his life on hold for years. I agree it's silly for him to keep paying for the flat.

He should give £500pm to you to contribute to household expenses, increase the cb he pays to the kids mum by £100pm and put £400pm into a savings pot to take his kids away for 3 short breaks (within the UK) each year so that there's occasional opportunities for them to see him without you. The rest of the time they can take it or leave it that his home now contains other people. It's not like they are 3 and too little to understand.

@DrNo007 2 years isn’t very long to process the result of a relationship breakdown though?

Now this would have me thinking - hold on a minute 🤔 😲...

You are on the kids side, but he's adamant they suck it up?

Lemme guess- he's moving into tours rent free, so is eager to have £1k spare per month , so 'fuck em kids' 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I don't like his attitude at all. Nevermind his reluctant children- that'd put me right off ☹️

Frankly I think this is a red flag, OP.

Yes, this would represent a significant financial saving. But at the cost of his relationship with his children? Your eldest is an adult, the youngest almost so. 12, 14 and 15 are a different proposition entirely. These are around the most awkward ages of all. It's an age where adolescent children need parental guidance, and his children need time with him alone. I'm taking it the 'everyone' he's speaking of who will have to 'deal with it' are the children? If so, his attitude is dreadful. I'd have serious concerns about pooling my life, home and finances with someone who dismissed his own kids with such cavalier disregard.

I'm not saying for one moment this applies in your situation but I'd be leery of that old adage 'there's never a man so much in love as one who needs an address'. If he can't wait three more years to progress your relationship, then is the relationship really worth waiting for?

I can see why you're in a dilemma. This isn't a 'LTB', but I'd certainly leave plenty of pause for thought.

No, I disagree with you.

I'm a step mum and have been for two decades.

Sometimes tough love is needed. People get unvarnished opinions, nothing wrong with that especially when kids are involved.

But don't want to derail the OPs thread so will leave it there.

So your solution is what for them to suck it up? Doesn't work like that. It takes time and effort to get them to a place where they're stronger. It takes regular input and care and love, not just giving a nod to those things. The cheating is irrelevant to the situation. I'd say the same if he cheated. Something is seriously wrong in his relationship with his children, they'll be grown up in a few years yes, right now they're not, if he doesnt fix this the cracks will widen and they can become too much for the relationship to ever recover. Right now he should be prioritising fixing this and supporting them. The fact they'll have their own life in a few years isn't relevant to the here and now. They are still children in the here and now, they are still HiS children.

You seem to think they should suck it up, he probably agrees with you and neither of you will have to deal with the effect this has on the kids. You say in a few years they'll be grown in their own relationships, so he should prioritise his now. You could also say in a few years they'll be living their own lives more and he can priortise his relationships then and should focus on them now. Why become a parent if you dont want to parent. Obviously we have very different views on a dads role in children's lives. I hope his kids come out of this ok because I'm sure he'll be moving in with OP soon and abdicating the small bit of parenting he still does. Men walk away and women applaud it because he's putting his new relationship first, that's a low bar for a dad.

How odd to moan about a 12, 14 and 15 year old being “fragile”.

I personally think that his issues with his children aren't really your problem...
You've shown that you're a kind and considerate person, taking them into account and justifying their behaviours, but at the same time, you are allowed to move forward with the relationship YOU want. If that means him moving in, it's up to him to navigate the issues with his kids around that.

That being said, even a 15 year old is very different from a 17yo, especially considering the 17yo has their older sibling to follow in terms of response, where as the 15yo is navigating this as the oldest. The gap between them, even though it's only 2 years, will be huge in terms of emotional maturity.

Also, it's usually the non-resident parent that is painted as "the bad guy", however untrue it might be. Just because it's emotionally easier to blame the parent that isn't there. It's also likely that there's some parental alienation going on.

How dramatic?? OP already said they speak on the phone with their dad daily but hardly see him at his house because they rather go back home to be with their tech.

If OP moves in with her partner, does that mean the kids can never pick up the phone and speak with him like they usually do? Does that mean they no longer have the opportunity to do activities outside? Does that mean they don’t have the option to ever step foot into the OP’s house? Be for real

He divorced 3 years ago according to OP.

In the case of the 12 yo, that's 25% of his entire life.

You might always have some emotional damage from a family breakdown in your childhood but in 3 years you should have processed it enough to accept that one or both parents can move on with a new partner.

And to conclude that since it's unreasonable of them to be so "fragile", it's fine and dandy for their father to throw them away.

I see your point but he currently does have his own flat and therefore is prioritising them according to the definition on here and they STILL only stay once a month. They obviously aren’t big on spending lots of time with their dad yet still seem to mind that he has a girlfriend. Maybe they are punishing him for the divorce or something. But in any event it seems like quite a damaged relationship anyway and I can see why he doesn’t want to keep spending money on a flat they don’t seem to enjoy coming to anyway. It also seems like people have been indulgent to them on the not meeting OP thing. It is really odd that all of them are so fixed on it which is why I thought maybe some parental alienation was going on. If two of them were fine with it but one refused then fine but it’s weird that all three of them have the same line. It sounds like they don’t like him much.

I dont get this argument at all. Presumably he didn't have the kids with the intention of eventually splitting up with their mum, having to move out of the family home and renting a new place so it's not as if an extra £1000 a month should have always been within his calculations. Presumably he also pays child maintenance which goes towards their actual home. There's "expensive" and "expensive" and also necessary and unnecessary expenditure. One half of paying for a family home isn't the same as paying towards a family home AND a spare flat AND whatever he (should be) giving op to cover him mainly living at her place.

When he had the kids he would presumably have envisioned paying for one home not three.

I think given the fact they aren't even sleeping over on the one or two days a month they visit his flat it is silly to keep it. They can still spend the odd day they seem to be with him pretty much anywhere.

I do find it quite weird that his kids are "little" and it's unreasonable to expect them to even visit your home once a month for a few hours in the day but your kids are "older" and apparently completely fine with mums boyfriend moving in, despite the fact there's only 2 years between his eldest and your youngest.

from what you've said he's been practically living in your house for, what, the last few months, a year? So when your youngest was 16. Yet his 15 year old is still "little" and cant be expected to even visit your house.

Similarly his kids are too "little" to be expected to accept the idea of their dad living with another woman even though their parents have been split up now for a quarter of the youngest one's life- but are fine to make arrangements with friends and go.weeks without seeing their dad? It seems like a weird discrepancy and it's not clear whether it's coming from him or you.

I suspect that he’s lying to you. That he sees the kids very rarely because either that’s all he wants . Or because they are angry at him about how he’s behaved since the split with their mum.

And I suspect that HE doesn’t want the kids to meet the Op because they might tell a version of the story that doesn’t match with hers.

And I can’t IMAGINE why he is “ adamant” that he wants to move in RIGHT NOW to live free with a woman who owns her own 4 or 5 bed house outright. Where he will not contribute to bills and no doubt do 10% of the housework .

And OF COURSE that £1200 a month he saves ( 1000 rent plus council tax etc ) will get spent IN ITS ENTIRETY on his children.

Of course I have no proof of any of this - just like the Op only knows what he is telling her.

If your DP split with his wife 3 years ago, the youngest DC would have been 9. I was only a year younger when my parents split (my mum left my dad for another man and I was still coping with the fallout well into my teens.

Despite being the one who was cheated on, my Dad always put me and my sister first, making sure he had a home for us only 5 mins down the road from our mum and taking us to school every morning to ensure he saw us every day. When he met our stepmum he made it very clear that we were his main priority.

We are still incredibly close today and as an adult looking back I really appreciate all the effort he put in.

You sounds lovely op, and the fact that you seem more concerned about his kids’ wellbeing than he does would be ringing warning bells for me.

Has he given you any more detail as to why they won’t meet you?

I’m just wondering why you even are interested in a man who seems so disinterested in his own children. Why can’t his children see their friends and keep their plans when staying with dad? He should be simply facilitating those activities from his home. Why is he only scheduled to see them so little to begin with?

The reason they don’t want to meet you likely lies with their already lackluster relationship with their father. It isn’t about you. It is about him. If he takes steps that further cement the divide between himself and his children, he will be confirming himself as a poor parent and that should make you view him dimly as a life partner.

@M0rven having read all OPs posts, this is what I was thinking too re would the DC tell a rather different story. He’s ever so keen to move in (basically already has) etc. It just smells off…

I'd be cheaper for him to rent an air bnb in London for one weekend a month with them, or he can just take them out if they do t want to stay over

@Hencewy In my view 2 years is plenty of time for the children to at least acknowledge that the cheated-on dad can have another relationship and to treat the "new" woman with respect, even if they don't love her. My own experience of being an avoidant kid is that things don't get any easier through avoidance, they get ever more terrifying in the grand theatre of the mind, and in the end it's best just to swallow the fear and do it anyway.