Partner's kids refuse to meet me

[Buttonsmum67]

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

I don’t have any advise but you seem very level headed and fair about the situation

I came here to say this . When I see step parenting posts , the OP always gets a bashing / slated and told they are wrong . Now I see it is on the step parenting section . I wouldn’t bother OP , try people in real life or a counsellor . This is section is full of first wives, trolls and people who hate step mums .

That being said OP , I wouldn’t do it .Protect your asset and find a man with less kid / baby mother drama.

Still keen to hear how OP is comfortably able to put her own two kids and his 3 kids. Thats a minimum of 6 bedrooms even with some sharing.

What significance does it have that she cheated? How is that connected here?

Plenty of teenagers don’t want to meet their parents new partner. There could be lots of reasons that are down the parent in question. ie their father. You know the man on the middle of all this.

Why is it more likely that their mother is blame than the kids have made up their own mind. Why is it more likely that the mother is to blame, rather than the Dad?

Looking at this from a different angle you need to be very careful about moving him in and marriage if that's ever on the table. Do you want your children to inherit your home from you? Do you want him to ever benefit from part of the home? Does he? You need to be careful that he can't be considered to be contributing to the home itself. Keep updating your Will if you have one. Marriage revokes a Will unless it is made in contemplation of marriage.

If you are on instagram there's a woman called thelegalqueen who explains things simply.

His relationship with the kids is not going to be improved by them not having somewhere to spend time with him. Even though you would welcome them they won't feel comfortable and could potentially make you feel awkward or worse in your own home.

Not true. Just things people don't want to hear or think about sometimes. If you're that confident you are right then you should be able to hear other perspectives.

But there are some red flags about this situation outside of the step parent issue that people are not seeing.

🚩🚩🚩

Maybe she has a big house? is that so impossible? Or maybe it would be based on them sharing or someone sleeping in the lounge. I don’t think she ever said they were all going to have own bedrooms did she?

Has anyone bashed or slated Op?

Or have people disagreed with her?

The vast majority of posts are focussing on the man in this situation.

Are you just ignoring that?

Would you class his children sleeping in the lounge of someone’s family home as actually having space for them? That’s pretty much guaranteeing he sees even less of them in future.

You are wrong about it just being different perspectives on this particular section though ( step parents ). As the other poster says these posts often lack balance and real perspective , the majority are personal and often the OP gets bullied into submission.

Yes in this post there are other red flags , as has been highlighted .

I was agreeing with another poster who highlighted the views would not be balanced . They are TAME in this particular thread.

This. Moving in with you will say this to his children and he may lose them for good. That may be a risk he's willing to take, I couldn't respect a man that did this.

Lose them for good because he has met someone , how fragile are they ? None of this is normal . Run Op .

What a refreshing change to see such a balanced and considerate OP. I’m so used to these posts being full of micro criticisms of a DPs children.
OP, you and your DP need to decide between you how to move forward, the kids will come round in their own time eventually, but you two can’t put your lives on hold just because they’re at a really difficult age. I wish both of you the best of luck, it’s difficult navigating with a blended family but you’ll find the path that works for you all

So entirely Irrelevant to this thread.

and no reason to make comments like ‘full of first wives’:

Which is weird. Is op a first wife or a second? Or is her position as the girlfriend of a man who has kids the important position she holds?

The DP is already sleeping in the lounge so that DC can have his bedroom at the flat.

I don’t think advising the OP that these thread are generally against the OP if they are a step parent is irrelevant . Another poster has also highlight this. I’ve advised OP to speak to someone more balanced , because the boards are full of people who hate step mums !

£1000 pm in London? For an entire flat? Where the hell does he live?

Lose them because they may see it as him choosing OP over them, but thanks for the minimsimg and missing the point entirely. I'm guessing OP is supposed to run from me 🤣. I don't think OPs done anything wrong at all. What she wants is completely understandable. It's only him I'd think less of. Step mums often get the blame for how the dad is acting, which isn't fair, his actions are his choice.

I don’t know what the arrangement is but they only stay with their dad once a month anyway. If I were him I’d rent an airbnb each time - it will be a lot cheaper. I wouldn’t keep throwing rent at a small flat where I didn’t spend any time anyway just because my DC came to stay once in a blue moon. he’s not a shit dad to not want to do that.

Also these kids who are not “little” in the slightest will never be ready to meet you, OP. Just in case you think they will be. After that much time I can’t see them changing their minds until they are adults maybe.

I honestly think if children and this fragile thats not good . They will have their own relationships one day and choose them over their parents. Their mum cheated ( charming ) , so their dad was going to meet someone else . That’s life . Yes OP , run away from three step parenting board and get some solid advice elsewhere .

This.

How is that relevant though? Is moving from one shitty living situation to another a positive?
Are OP and her BF going to move into the living room for one of his kids?

I feel like it’s fair enough to cut someone fresh out of a divorce some slack with their housing situation while they rebalance themselves and their finances but then the parent should absolutely be prioritising a safe, stable and appropriate home for their kids.

I think there’s work to be done first. I agree with PP that suggested therapy for the 4 of them. If they’re refusing to meet you and seeing him very little then I’d suspect there are other issues. If he makes an effort to integrate his family properly in his new life then you may find they’re more reciprocal to getting to know you, which could lead to you sharing a home together without any animosity.

He needs to make more effort first, it sounds as though he’s been quite passive up until now. Moving in before they’ve met you will make things harder so give it time. If in a years time you find yourself in the same situation despite him making ample effort then I think it’s fair enough to move in, but more effort needed first.

It is probably really hard for the children and they should come first, but it has been two years. If there is space for them to stay at your new house then I would say it is fine for you to move in together. Explain he loves them and they always have a home with him, but he also has a new partner (who also wants to get the chance to be part of their life), the two can co-exist even if the children don't like it.