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Original poster

Partner's kids refuse to meet me

271 replies

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 11:58

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 25/10/2024 12:01

You and him can't let your lives be dictated to by the kids.
Go ahead as you're proposing.

He should try to get the kids into counselling, I wonder if the ex is badmouthing you or him to the kids to deflect from her cheating.

Londonstepmum · 25/10/2024 12:09

You guys do you. You seem to of been very fair the whole time with not pushing the relationship between you and the SC especially now they are not seeing him as much, carry on and do what you want too. He can always take them out for food or cinema ect if they don’t want to come to yours.

there will deffo be some form of bad mouthing about you at the mums, kids don’t refuse to see someone for no reason. X

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

GiraffeTree · 25/10/2024 12:13

I think you have been more than fair OP. You weren't the OW and you've left it for 2 years and it's absolutely crazy to be wasting this amount of money on a flat he hardly uses. I think he should explain to his kids about the money side if things - they're old enough to understand that surely?

SometimesCalmPerson · 25/10/2024 12:13

This is a decision that he should be making and if there is guilt to be felt, it is all his.

He needs to be providing a home for his children to visit him in where they feel safe and comfortable. If he doesn’t do that and chooses to prioritise his relationship, he is a shit dad.

His flat might be expensive but providing a home for three children was always going to be expensive so I don’t think that’s relevant.

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:14

SometimesCalmPerson · 25/10/2024 12:13

This is a decision that he should be making and if there is guilt to be felt, it is all his.

He needs to be providing a home for his children to visit him in where they feel safe and comfortable. If he doesn’t do that and chooses to prioritise his relationship, he is a shit dad.

His flat might be expensive but providing a home for three children was always going to be expensive so I don’t think that’s relevant.

Yes, if he wasn't with you he'd be paying for it so I don't quite see the issue

vegandspice · 25/10/2024 12:14

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

They can though . Read the post again.

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:16

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:14

Yes, if he wasn't with you he'd be paying for it so I don't quite see the issue

Show quote history

So if it's still 5 years time and they don't want to meet me we should never move in together? The issue with money is he's spending a grand a month for nothing when he could be using it on them???

OP posts:
Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:16

vegandspice · 25/10/2024 12:14

They can though . Read the post again.

Show quote history

Can read fine thanks. They wouldn't want to stay if he moved in with OP. So that should be the end of the conversation. As I said, kids come first. Plenty of time to marry and live together when they're grown up

bitsalty · 25/10/2024 12:17

He needs to be working on his relationship with his children and improve that before making any drastic changes.

I don't think him moving in with you is the right thing ATM.

Yes kids as they get older want to spend more time with their mates but is that really the whole story?
Anything else going on in their relationship?

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:18

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:16

So if it's still 5 years time and they don't want to meet me we should never move in together? The issue with money is he's spending a grand a month for nothing when he could be using it on them???

Show quote history

Yes, I'd wait until they're all adults.

The money isn't for nothing, it's to provide a safe space for his children to use. That's more important than whatever else he might buy them.

Completelyjo · 25/10/2024 12:18

Do you have like a 6/ 7 bedroom plus house? I don’t agree with the poster saying kids shouldn’t dictate your life, imo of course they should. When you become a parent that’s part of the deal you sign up for. His kids are still young, you have two other children, if you don’t have the space to accommodate his children staying then it should be a hard no from him.
Fathers get away with doing ridiculous things, can you imagine a mother moving to her bfs with no accommodations for her children??

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:18

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:18

Yes, I'd wait until they're all adults.

The money isn't for nothing, it's to provide a safe space for his children to use. That's more important than whatever else he might buy them.

Show quote history

Thank you for your reply x

OP posts:
Firestace · 25/10/2024 12:18

Don't feel guilty. You sound reasonable and thoughtful, you respect that they don't want to meet you and acknowledge that DH seeing them is important and that will probably be on his own. It's wild to be spending £1k on a flat for the sake of less than 2 days a month- although if he owns it might be sensible if it looked into renting it out so it's an asset for them when older (sounds like he rents anyway?). You say there's space at yours, and he could go out with them/rent an apartment twice a month for less.

sprigatito · 25/10/2024 12:19

He knows full well that the children do not feel ready and able to be around you. So if he moves in with you he will be telling them he doesn't care about his relationship with them and is happy to sacrifice it.

It doesn't matter whether you, or we, think the children are being unreasonable in refusing to meet you. The fact is that if he moves in with you, that's the end of overnight contact. He will lose them, because he will have made the choice to lose them.

Completelyjo · 25/10/2024 12:20

On top of that I think moving in at 2 years is way too soon when there are children on both sides. It’s a shitty move.

SereneFish · 25/10/2024 12:20

I wouldn't be with a man who was willing to lose contact with his children for a girlfriend.

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:21

bitsalty · 25/10/2024 12:17

He needs to be working on his relationship with his children and improve that before making any drastic changes.

I don't think him moving in with you is the right thing ATM.

Yes kids as they get older want to spend more time with their mates but is that really the whole story?
Anything else going on in their relationship?

They're all quite happy to speak to him and go out at weekends with him when they don't have anything planned etc so don't think anything negative is going on other than obviously it's still early on in a kids head and he's been there their whole life up until 3 years ago.

OP posts:
Bbbhhhvfbxb · 25/10/2024 12:21

Go ahead. He can always take them out for the day/to a hotel. He needs to try to understand why they refuse to meet you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2024 12:23

Is he going to be paying nothing when he lives with you? Seems odd frankly. If he is paying, then it's not a 1k gain. It's 1k minus what he pays at yours.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2024 12:23

You wouldn’t be taking away his space for them, it would be his decision.

Is their mum in a relationship? If so are they okay with that? He’s presumably asked them why they won’t meet you?

It’s not your job to care more about the complications of his set up than he is.

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:23

sprigatito · 25/10/2024 12:19

He knows full well that the children do not feel ready and able to be around you. So if he moves in with you he will be telling them he doesn't care about his relationship with them and is happy to sacrifice it.

It doesn't matter whether you, or we, think the children are being unreasonable in refusing to meet you. The fact is that if he moves in with you, that's the end of overnight contact. He will lose them, because he will have made the choice to lose them.

I don't think the children are being unreasonable. I am on their side with it. It is him that's adamant to move in now and saying everyone will have to deal with it as it's been enough time passed :/

OP posts:
YellowRoom · 25/10/2024 12:25

'He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.'

Well yes i think they will find this upsetting as they don't even want to meet you and now he's saying he'll be moving in with you and marrying you. Is there more to this?

Your DP seems quite passive about not seeing his children much and also having a conversation with them. I wonder if you're getting all the story.

Original poster
Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2024 12:23

Is he going to be paying nothing when he lives with you? Seems odd frankly. If he is paying, then it's not a 1k gain. It's 1k minus what he pays at yours.

Yes. He's currently renting so it would free up 1k a month for him?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 25/10/2024 12:25

To me that begs the question of why you would want to be with a man who has such a heartless and selfish attitude towards his own children 🫤