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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner's kids refuse to meet me

271 replies

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 11:58

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 23:15

SoporificLettuce · 30/10/2024 19:57

For far less than £1000 a month he can take them to an Airbnb if they really can’t stand to be in her house.

Show quote history

It’s not about her house. The upset will come from their dad putting a woman before his children and giving up on providing a home for them.

Desenia86 · 31/10/2024 07:51

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

It seems like his kids have been put first they don’t seem to want to have anything to do with their father life . Is understandable it’s hard enough as it is but as a teenager this situation is gonna be hell . The mother maybe could have thought about putting the kids first she didn’t seem to be bothered … they are still very young and this isn’t gonna go away in a couple of years .. so what’s your advice ? He keeps the flat and forces them to spend at least every weekend to make the money worth ?

Julimia · 31/10/2024 17:22

Go ahead. You're not forcing them and as a result they will come round, one way or the other in time. You of course don't know what's been said to them from elsewhere either.

Guessingages · 02/11/2024 02:37

His kids are teenagers. Teenagers are stinkers. I rarely went to see my dad on visit days from about 12-13 on because I was “too busy” or had “too much homework” or sometimes I simply didn’t want to. Sometimes we make choices despite our kids when our kids are being turds. As a child from a broken home, and a mother of teenagers, I fully think it’s at least time for the kids to meet OP. That might not be a choice that they have anymore. Dad needs to sit down and have a frank conversation with kids about how he feels about this woman and that he wants to marry her and he would like for them to get to know her before the marriage happens. You can’t always put life on hold for kids. I don’t think choosing to move forward with OP without kids’ “blessing” would be destroying his relationship with his kids, especially since his flat isn’t their main household, but he should proceed delicately how he presents this idea of meeting OP and also how he continues to show them that marrying her won’t affect his time that he has and will always put aside for them.

Oxforddictionary12 · 02/11/2024 07:36

Guessingages · 02/11/2024 02:37

His kids are teenagers. Teenagers are stinkers. I rarely went to see my dad on visit days from about 12-13 on because I was “too busy” or had “too much homework” or sometimes I simply didn’t want to. Sometimes we make choices despite our kids when our kids are being turds. As a child from a broken home, and a mother of teenagers, I fully think it’s at least time for the kids to meet OP. That might not be a choice that they have anymore. Dad needs to sit down and have a frank conversation with kids about how he feels about this woman and that he wants to marry her and he would like for them to get to know her before the marriage happens. You can’t always put life on hold for kids. I don’t think choosing to move forward with OP without kids’ “blessing” would be destroying his relationship with his kids, especially since his flat isn’t their main household, but he should proceed delicately how he presents this idea of meeting OP and also how he continues to show them that marrying her won’t affect his time that he has and will always put aside for them.

I've changed my opinion since reading the comments. The OP has been more than understanding but I agree with this completely. OP and partner do have a right to be able to get on with their lives. The partners children have effectively been allowed to get away with rudeness. It may be because they think this is the only thing they have control over but it's been two years now and time to get on with life and move forwards.

Buildingthefuture · 02/11/2024 07:51

As a step child who had truly awful step parents and now a step parent myself, I actually agree with your partner.
You both need to be able to move forward (if that is what you want op, obviously. And assuming he isn’t a cock lodger) and the children need to understand that, whilst they are of course the priority, they have their own lives and they do not get to dictate that Dad must live alone until a time of their choosing.
He can still spend all the time they want with him (which, like typical teenagers actually sounds like not much) and he loves them and will always be there for them. But he deserves to be happy too.

BlondeAussie · 03/11/2024 01:04

Your offspring at 19 and 17 are "adult children".

His children at 12,14 and 15 are "only little" ??

The reality is they are all teenagers.

Their parents separation isn't new - it has been three years. So it's not exactly "a new way of life" to navigate.

Otherwise, your OP has a lot of "I"..

"But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are."

What does your partner want?

Why, after three years, are the arrangements for access so vague and at the whim of the teenage children?

Why is there not an organised, regular, shared care/custody agreement?

You consider his children to be "only little" yet: "I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to".

Spending time with their parent isn't "visiting". Their father's home (wherever that may be) should be their second home.

It seems that the children, the ex-wife and you are making all the decisions but the person who needs to take charge of his own life and families, is failing to do so.

This, I believe, is the crux of the matter.

BruFord · 03/11/2024 16:04

@BlondeAussie Ppl do mature enormously during their teens (we hope)! My DD (19) is v. different now than she was at 15. DS (16) has also matured a lot in the last year.

So I can see why her partner’s children may seem much younger to the OP- behaviour-wise, that is.

I agree that her partner needs to take control of the situation and if he does want to move in with the OP, his children need to meet her well before this happens. It doesn’t sound as if he’s properly parenting them atm, more going along with whatever other ppl say. Time to step up and be a proper Dad.

TiredEyesSoreHeart · 04/11/2024 04:36

I'm all for putting kids first in general, but you can't let them run your life, they aren't little, they are a lot older now and it's not like they are a vulnerable 4 year old or 6 year old or something. You are putting your happiness on hold, when in truth, the kids don't sound bothered or upset either way. So why not? I would have him move in. YOUR happiness is very important, too. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. You could wait 5 years. That's 5 years wasted. Your DP is right! And you know it. Do it!

ChicBee · 10/12/2024 08:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Spirallingdownwards · 10/12/2024 08:36

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

They can though.

LadyLapsang · 10/12/2024 20:31

Where is your DP’s flat in relation to the FMH and the children’s schools? Is it near enough to pop in after school? Can he not afford a three bed? Thinking of the youngsters at work, most pay 1.5-2K pm rent so at only 1K I don’t think the flat is likely to be big enough for 4 people, unless someone is doing him a massive favour.

Isabellivi · 19/04/2025 00:12

His kids “comfort” is a bit of a stretch into allowing them to be spoiled brats

He has a duty to provide them with a place where they are safe, not attacked or put in danger.

they are 12, 14, and 15. If they were 2, 4 and 5 they would have no choice, and be vulnerable

Now they are old enough to start learning toxic controlling behaviors. Like not allowing dad to have a new wife. Because it makes them “uncomfortable”

deliciouschilli · 19/04/2025 13:29

Will you have the bedrooms / space for them to stay over?

FairlyTired · 19/04/2025 16:23

It would be cheaper for him to hire a hotel room if they want to go overnight, or do days out, than £500 per daytime visit.

FairlyTired · 19/04/2025 16:25

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 23:15

It’s not about her house. The upset will come from their dad putting a woman before his children and giving up on providing a home for them.

Show quote history

So you expect all single parents to live alone for 18 years?
That's ridiculous, he's not even the resident parent and they don't even want to stay overnight. It's morally ridiculous to use up a flat noone lives in when there's limited housing too. Imagine if every single parent did that.

Maxorias · 19/04/2025 17:54

Didn't rtft but why can't he move in with you and go to his house when his kids want to visit ? He shouldn't sell right away anyway, you two should live together for a while to make sure you're compatible before any big step like selling and buying together is made. Let him move in without getting rid of his place for at least the next few months and you can revisit the issue then. The kids might have changed their minds by then.

LBFseBrom · 19/04/2025 20:16

Maxorias · 19/04/2025 17:54

Didn't rtft but why can't he move in with you and go to his house when his kids want to visit ? He shouldn't sell right away anyway, you two should live together for a while to make sure you're compatible before any big step like selling and buying together is made. Let him move in without getting rid of his place for at least the next few months and you can revisit the issue then. The kids might have changed their minds by then.

I agree with that.

Signedcopy · 22/04/2025 15:48

historyrepeatz · 25/10/2024 13:01

Looking at this from a different angle you need to be very careful about moving him in and marriage if that's ever on the table. Do you want your children to inherit your home from you? Do you want him to ever benefit from part of the home? Does he? You need to be careful that he can't be considered to be contributing to the home itself. Keep updating your Will if you have one. Marriage revokes a Will unless it is made in contemplation of marriage.

If you are on instagram there's a woman called thelegalqueen who explains things simply.

His relationship with the kids is not going to be improved by them not having somewhere to spend time with him. Even though you would welcome them they won't feel comfortable and could potentially make you feel awkward or worse in your own home.

Or just make it a condition of marriage that your new will protects your dc's interests. That will be a good test of his intentions.

I agree with others that his three dc don't sound like they are acting reasonably by not meeting you at this stage. I don't buy into this idea that no matter what is going on adults must kowtow to kids' needs forever.
Yes we should be considerate of their needs but ours matter too sometimes!

Louoby · 22/06/2025 21:41

Personally I feel that you are free and reasonable to move in together. It doesn’t sound as if his flat is by any means a “home” to them. They come 1 or two days a month and don’t even sleep over. He could easily spend that time with them out of your home until they feel ready. Why does his life have to be put on hold if the children are happy. They don’t stay round 2-3 nights a week, they don’t sleep at all. I wouldn’t feel bad and would plan to go ahead with moving in together. Good luck x

LBFseBrom · 22/06/2025 21:52

Molly0 · 25/10/2024 12:48

Does his tenancy agreement allow him to have a monday to fridaylodger in the flat? to help with bills, if kids are never there Mon-Fri. Be wary of him moving in if he has nowhere else to go. Also keeps flat available for his kids at weekends.

That sounds like a very good idea. There are many people who want to stay somewhere during the week because of work or study.

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