Partner's kids refuse to meet me

[Buttonsmum67]

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

I agree. He's a shit dad if he does this and that would be on him and no one else. If I only saw my kids very occasionally there's no way I'd risk seeing them even less.

Where in London is he renting a flat with space for 4 people for £1,000?

I wouldn't want to be with someone like this. He doesn't seem to care about his DC' feelings and is rushing you to save himself money. Really, with parental responsibility he has a legal obligation to provide a home for his children and should anything happened to DCs Mum he really would need to step up. He needs to hold onto his own home IMO.

Honestly, I really wish people would stop this nonsense on these threads.

Those children are perfectly capable of making their own minds up.

Why does it have to be that a woman is to blame?

I can't believe he is willing to sacrifice the little contact time he has already.

But there's a lot of talk about this £1k saving. So he'll save some money and have you on tap.

The more you explain the dodgier he sounds.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick here. He's paying for a flat. Wants to move in with me. Why would he be living with me for free? His kids haven't even been told so it's not against their wishes? I think you need to re read my post. I am on the kids side here?

It doesn't free up 1k if he's paying fair money to live at yours. Hence me assuming if you thought it freed up 1k, he wasn't paying anything.

Now you've said he'll pay bills at yours. If they are the same as the bills at his flat, it means he will free up 1k, which makes him sound like a cock lodger.

And if his children won't meet you, of course it is against his children's wishes to see him at yours, even if they don't currently know.

I'd be careful with this one OP. He sounds self-serving.

@SereneFish it's less difficult to discern what he sees in her! I'm sure the mortgage-free house with enough room for him and all of his kids is just a bonus 🤔

He's spending a grand a month so he can see them, even if very occasionally. That's not nothing.

Because it’s pretty weird to be totally against meeting a parents partner unless there is a backstory where they blame the person for the breakup of the family.

And this woman hardly sounds like a saint, cheating on her husband, does she?

Mm hm, except I don't think he cares whether there's space for the children or not. Doesn't sound like they factor into his thoughts much.

There is a difference between can't and won't though.
If this man really does believe that his DC will never visit or stay over if he moves in with OP then he needs to decide if he's ok with that.

Interesting that you view your 17 year old as 'adult' but your partner's 15 year old as 'only little'

I suspect your partner thinks he can ‘force his kids’ hand’ by moving in with you. In his head, he says he’s moving in with you, and that’s it. They have no choice to meet you. But I’m not sure he’s considered how quickly it could backfire massively. I know you said they usually only visit his flat about once a month, but does he see them often besides that? If not, and if I was him my concern would be that he moves in with you, and they don’t come that month. One month turns into two, two turns into three, turns into six etc. All of sudden, the last time they visited dad was a year ago and it’s just not something they do anymore. He’s a guy they see once a month for a coffee, go for tea or whatever, and that’s it. Meeting you is something even less on their radar, cos they only see dad for a couple of hours a month.

This isn’t for you to worry (or feel any guilt) about, but if I was your partner I’d think very carefully about the steps I’d need to take to recover my relationship with my children if I made this decision.

Yeah, my stbxh said this

It is him that's adamant to move in now and saying everyone will have to deal with it as it's been enough time passed :/

Ours is a different situation but he has lost our kids 1 by 1 with this attitude. You don't only put your kids first until it doesn't suit you anymore. You do it until they are adults and don't need you so much anymore. If he can be so callous about his kids, just think how selfish he could be either you when you're not shiny and new anymore.

I really don't think you can move in together until the kids know you and feel comfortable with you. The first goal should be to meet and go from there. I think if meeting is delayed too long it can also build into something bigger than it is, and it creates an odd dynamic if he has a relationship with your kids but they don't with you (though understandable why that has happened). I think he needs to be a bit more active in setting up a meeting, while acknowledging that he knows they aren't sure about it, but it is important etc. Even forcing them to meet you is less of a big deal than moving in with you when they haven't. If he has a good relationship with the ex, he could also discuss the best way to go about a meeting with her.

I think there's alot of difference. My 17 year (18 next month) old is in college, learning to drive etc. His 15 year old is just about to start prepping for his gcses.

Does his tenancy agreement allow him to have a monday to fridaylodger in the flat? to help with bills, if kids are never there Mon-Fri. Be wary of him moving in if he has nowhere else to go. Also keeps flat available for his kids at weekends.

Staying in a hotel or Airbnb (they could choose!) would be cheaper and more fun-could create extra memorable moments for them as a family. Perhaps he could chat to them first and get their thoughts

He's a disney dad looking for a way to spend less money and get someone who will run a home for him. He really sounds pretty awful and selfish. He can't even put his kids needs above his own.

Also, does your kids actually want to live with this man? I have kids only a couple of years older than yours and no way would they want a man who isn't their dad to live with them, especially not my daughter. You only have a very short amount of time left with them living at home, make them a priority instead of this man and his bank balance.

Do you think it’s a good idea for your relationship to progress in these circumstances though? I’m not sure it is.

In my view he should continue to live/see the kids separately until they are ready.

I agree with this .

You won't get a balanced response here. Outside of Mumsnet, the answer is obvious, he's paying far more than necessary for them to stay over 1 night a month. He could book 1 night in an Air BnB for them all for a lot cheaper than £1000, but I'm not sure he should be doing that either.

They are children. They don't get to dictate adult relationships, or their Dad's living situation, especially considering they come for 12 nights a year, less time than many people spend on holiday.

They don't have to like you or love you, but they do have to accept that Dad can't maintain a flat purely for them to come once a month, and that if he decides to move in with someone, they are going to have to tolerate them being around for some of the time.

Can he just broach the idea with the DC along the lines of "I know you don't want to meet ButtonsMum yet and that's fine. I'm spending a lot on my flat and not living there much and you all have understandably busy teen lives based with your mum. How would you feel if I moved in with ButtonsMum and we (him and DC) get an airbnb/posh hotel anytime you'd like to stay with me and I can also see you in the day anytime and go for a meal, cinema etc. Of course the door would always be open to meet ButtonsMum and see what her house is like and this doesn't need to happen straight away or at all". Then see what they say.

If they're devastated at the thought of losing their home at his then he can shelve for a year or two. If they're quite keen on the idea of fun mini breaks with him and not too bothered about losing the flat then he can go ahead.

I'd also think about what you truly want - do you (and your DC) genuinely want him to move in? What if his DC do all meet you, say in the next year or two, and actually want to stay with you more? He seems to be forging ahead regardless and you need to think about what's best for you.

@Buttonsmum67

Ooooh I'd be really careful here OP.

Putting aside his kids for a second, why on earth would you get married when you own a house outright and have two kids you'd presumably want to leave that house to in the event of your death? If you marry this guy you'll be putting their inheritance at risk. Why would you do that?

Does he have any assets of his own? if not ask yourself why not.

Sorry but him pushing to move in sounds like a bit of a red flag to me. Add on top of that his kids not wanting to meet you and I'd tred really carefully if I were you. Have you actually seen evidence they are saying this or do you just have his word for it? it's entirely possible he wants to keep the two worlds separate until he's got his feet under the table.

Just go slowly and carefully OP. That would be my advice. Rushing into living together because he wants to save money isn't a good reason to put yourself at risk.

If you want to do an acid test on his intentions. Tell him you'd like to wait another two years before you make that commitment and see how he reacts. That should tell you what you need to know.

I don't think I would do this.

From what you are saying, he is the one pushing to move in with you and all the benefits are on his side. He will save £1000pcm when he moves in; and will potentially be entitled to half a mortgage-free house if he marries you.

If his kids refuse to even meet you, moving in with you is going to totally blow up their relationship with him. That's going to cause all sorts of drama and stress and resentment. Do you really want all of that in your life?

Let's move in together and get married sounds lovely and romantic, but the reality of your situation is that you and your children are likely to end up significantly financially worse off and emotionally more stressed out, no matter how it plays out.