Page 10 | Partner's kids refuse to meet me

JillMW · 30/10/2024 10:28

I feel a little sceptical. He is moving in with you. Are you absolutely certain he is not using you for free accommodation? Make sure you have a solicitor check the terms of him moving in, protect your finances for you and your own children or you risk him freeloading and having more disposable income than you do.

TinyFlamingo · 30/10/2024 10:29

M0rven · 25/10/2024 13:53

I suspect that he’s lying to you. That he sees the kids very rarely because either that’s all he wants . Or because they are angry at him about how he’s behaved since the split with their mum.

And I suspect that HE doesn’t want the kids to meet the Op because they might tell a version of the story that doesn’t match with hers.

And I can’t IMAGINE why he is “ adamant” that he wants to move in RIGHT NOW to live free with a woman who owns her own 4 or 5 bed house outright. Where he will not contribute to bills and no doubt do 10% of the housework .

And OF COURSE that £1200 a month he saves ( 1000 rent plus council tax etc ) will get spent IN ITS ENTIRETY on his children.

Of course I have no proof of any of this - just like the Op only knows what he is telling her.

...also living with dependants will mean CM for his kids will go down as he has 0 overnights or very rare be SHOULd be paying a lot, so another savings he'll pocket!

Noglitterallowed · 30/10/2024 10:31

You sound very caring and understanding. 2 years being together is a good amount of time for it to be serious. If they are only deciding to see him once a month because they are busy then they can’t dictate what he does with his life (not that they should be able to anyway). They aren’t little babies so are perfectly capable of understanding the situation.
I know someone that has been in this place before and the kids were like this- because it wasn’t nipped in the bud it ended in a lot of heartache for him and her.

Bloppo · 30/10/2024 10:50

I don't think it's fair that this man's marriage ended due to his wife's infidelity and he can't move on with a life of his own.Blended families are the norm now.Children are resilient and would benefit from seeing their dad in a loving and happy relationship.A new family dynamic can developer which could enrichen everyone's lives.
You sound like a very thoughtful caring person the children would be lucky to have you in their life.Sometimes the fear of the unknown keeps people from venturing into it.
It is ridiculous to spend a grand a month on a flat that's barely used.It would be cheaper to rent an air b&b for when the children actually wanted to stay 😅

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2024 10:52

SometimesCalmPerson · 25/10/2024 12:13

This is a decision that he should be making and if there is guilt to be felt, it is all his.

He needs to be providing a home for his children to visit him in where they feel safe and comfortable. If he doesn’t do that and chooses to prioritise his relationship, he is a shit dad.

His flat might be expensive but providing a home for three children was always going to be expensive so I don’t think that’s relevant.

And there's no reason they couldn't have consoles there too

It's supposed to be their home as well as the one their mum lives in,

Is it their home? Do they have their own rooms? Do they have their own stuff there?

Doesn't sound like it

If he gets rid of it he'll see less of them because they'll resent you even more

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2024 10:53

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:25

Yes. He's currently renting so it would free up 1k a month for him?

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Which he'd have to pay you for bills! So no better off

sashh · 30/10/2024 11:00

Let him move in, if the kids want to stay over the money he is saving would pay for a hotel or an air b and b.

Oxforddictionary12 · 30/10/2024 11:40

From reading the thread the biggest issue that stands out for me is his children being unwilling to meet you. You sound as if you've been very understanding for a long time but I wonder how much effort has been made to attempt to integrate you.
I would definitely support the idea of establishing at least some relationship before moving in together. It doesn't have to be lovey dovey of course not, but the children should at least respect and acknowledge that you are their fathers partner. My fear would be that without it the children would never accept you and this would increase resentment initially and further down the line. How do you feel about the children's behaviour too? For myself, although it's probably not personal, I can see that it could be quite hurtful.
Someone mentioned that your partner could rent out his place Monday- friday- that would be a great idea to recoup some costs if feasible. I would pause moving him in for now and plan for longer term.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2024 11:56

sashh · 30/10/2024 11:00

Let him move in, if the kids want to stay over the money he is saving would pay for a hotel or an air b and b.

Which isn't exactly a home is it?

Pherian · 30/10/2024 12:04

The best thing you guys can do is move forward with your lives and the money he’s saving by not having that flat - someone of that needs to go toward counselling for his kids.

I am a stepmom to two boys of similar age. They are fantastic kids. I met them 3 years after their parents divorced. They have accepted me, but not their mom’s partner so much.

It’s really hard for kids to navigate adult problems. They shouldn’t have to, but here we are.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2024 12:24

Can I just ask those suggesting counselling. what do you think they will do?

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 30/10/2024 12:36

Bloppo · 30/10/2024 10:50

I don't think it's fair that this man's marriage ended due to his wife's infidelity and he can't move on with a life of his own.Blended families are the norm now.Children are resilient and would benefit from seeing their dad in a loving and happy relationship.A new family dynamic can developer which could enrichen everyone's lives.
You sound like a very thoughtful caring person the children would be lucky to have you in their life.Sometimes the fear of the unknown keeps people from venturing into it.
It is ridiculous to spend a grand a month on a flat that's barely used.It would be cheaper to rent an air b&b for when the children actually wanted to stay 😅

I absolutely agree!

Calliopespa · 30/10/2024 12:46

Oxforddictionary12 · 30/10/2024 11:40

From reading the thread the biggest issue that stands out for me is his children being unwilling to meet you. You sound as if you've been very understanding for a long time but I wonder how much effort has been made to attempt to integrate you.
I would definitely support the idea of establishing at least some relationship before moving in together. It doesn't have to be lovey dovey of course not, but the children should at least respect and acknowledge that you are their fathers partner. My fear would be that without it the children would never accept you and this would increase resentment initially and further down the line. How do you feel about the children's behaviour too? For myself, although it's probably not personal, I can see that it could be quite hurtful.
Someone mentioned that your partner could rent out his place Monday- friday- that would be a great idea to recoup some costs if feasible. I would pause moving him in for now and plan for longer term.

I don’t think the children should have to meet her.

The father can choose his life but he doesn’t need them to have to go along with it. They clearly have their reasons for not wanting to be involved with her; they aren’t telling their father he can’t, just that they don’t want to. You’re calling it “ respect” for his decision but you really mean “rubber-stamping.” Children are too often expected - no, required- to be pushed along with things because it makes it easier for the adults. It’s the children’s stance that isn’t being respected.

Oxforddictionary12 · 30/10/2024 13:08

Calliopespa · 30/10/2024 12:46

I don’t think the children should have to meet her.

The father can choose his life but he doesn’t need them to have to go along with it. They clearly have their reasons for not wanting to be involved with her; they aren’t telling their father he can’t, just that they don’t want to. You’re calling it “ respect” for his decision but you really mean “rubber-stamping.” Children are too often expected - no, required- to be pushed along with things because it makes it easier for the adults. It’s the children’s stance that isn’t being respected.

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Ah, I've created debate! I think it would be easier to understand if we knew the children's reasoning and also we don' know what rhetoric they've been exposed to. I don't agree with your assertion that it would be rubber stamping to encourage them to acknowledge or be polite to the OP- I believe that's just having good manners! But ultimately yes, forcing a meeting probably wouldn't help if there is an actual reason and they are so vehemently against it.
The apathy of the children situation without any hope of resolution would be a deal breaker in the relationship for me but I'm not the OP- they may not mind having no relationship with the partner's children. From an outsider looking in it does look like an unhappy set up on the partner's side unfortunately.

sandyhappypeople · 30/10/2024 14:23

Calliopespa · 30/10/2024 12:46

I don’t think the children should have to meet her.

The father can choose his life but he doesn’t need them to have to go along with it. They clearly have their reasons for not wanting to be involved with her; they aren’t telling their father he can’t, just that they don’t want to. You’re calling it “ respect” for his decision but you really mean “rubber-stamping.” Children are too often expected - no, required- to be pushed along with things because it makes it easier for the adults. It’s the children’s stance that isn’t being respected.

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I think my opinion would vary depending on whether their mum has a new partner and if they have accepted that 'stance' or not? I did ask but it's not been answered I don't think.

If the father needs to put his life on hold and not live with another partner or girlfriend until the children are 18 then the mum should be held to the same standard, otherwise their is a double standard and an ulterior motive behind the decision of the children not to want to meet OP. I also don't think that answer is good enough in itself, to be able to respect their decision I'd want to know why my children felt that way.

I do think you're over egging things here though, he speaks to them everyday, and he sees them once or twice a month.. it's hardly 'pushing them into anything' for him to move out of his flat and live with his girlfriend. If the girlfriend welcomes them with open arms, then the ball is in their court as to how much time the want to spend with their dad at his home and if he is prepared to make the effort to accommodate them outside of being with OP then I don't see what difference that makes to them practically tbh, the flat is not their 'home'.

Calliopespa · 30/10/2024 14:28

Oxforddictionary12 · 30/10/2024 13:08

Ah, I've created debate! I think it would be easier to understand if we knew the children's reasoning and also we don' know what rhetoric they've been exposed to. I don't agree with your assertion that it would be rubber stamping to encourage them to acknowledge or be polite to the OP- I believe that's just having good manners! But ultimately yes, forcing a meeting probably wouldn't help if there is an actual reason and they are so vehemently against it.
The apathy of the children situation without any hope of resolution would be a deal breaker in the relationship for me but I'm not the OP- they may not mind having no relationship with the partner's children. From an outsider looking in it does look like an unhappy set up on the partner's side unfortunately.

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I suspect the children have had their world implode because of their mum’s affair. As a result, they are probably just not embracing of the whole general concept of their parents having sexual relationships with third parties. That’s not actually a reaction that is wholly unrelatable. Generallly speaking, children have for generations managed to navigate life without having to be too confronted by their parents intimate needs. It’s fair enough if they want to look in the other direction. They haven’t instructed him not to, so why is it fair to instruct them to involve themselves with her. They don’t actually need her in their lives.

Swiftie1878 · 30/10/2024 15:43

It’s not up to you. It’s up to him.
His decision. His guilt. His problem.

Acw1991 · 30/10/2024 18:36

I haven't read all of the posts, but I've read enough saying that your DP is being unreasonable. My children's dad and I split 3 years ago as well, because he was cheating. Our kids are younger (10 and 12 now), but obviously it him them hard. It took him a year for him to tell the kids that he had moved in with the girl he cheated with - the kids knew her as he brought her to our family home while I was working - and they were not happy. In fact, they're still not happy, however that is not a reason for him to stop living his life. He's still their dad and it hasn't really ruined their relationship with him, they've begun to accept that this is the new normal now.
I think it is absolutely ludicrous to consider spending £1000 a month so his teenage children can maybe stay round once in a blue moon. My children come first in everything, but there are some situations where it is not appropriate for them to make decisions and I feel that this is one of them. Him not moving on will not change the fact that their parents are now separated. You clearly will make a great bonus parent given the chance, so as long as you are prepared for plenty of lashing out from the teenagers because they resent their dad being with someone other than their mum, then I think just go ahead and move him in and if that means they meet you, then so be it, they will get over it!
Obviously it goes without saying your DP needs to have a serious chat with them first about everything though, so nothing is a surprise.

ThatGladTiger · 30/10/2024 19:41

There are two issues here for me:

Seeing his kids once a month is not great. Yes as they get older they want to hang out with friends, but he should try and see them more. Even it’s it’s dinner after school once a week.

Do you know the narrative their mother has told them? Sadly a lot of mothers who have affairs blame it on the dad.

Secondly you need to live your life. Move in together and ditch the flat. Jesus 1k a month he could take them on holiday every month! As they get older they will want to spend time doing things, not just going to a flat where they are just on their phones.

Good luck! X

Deejjay · 30/10/2024 19:50

Hard one as your partner is providing them with a separate place to go and he invites them every weekend. But they only visit once a month and don’t stay over. And if he’s not able to contribute to expenses at your place especially as his presence would increase utility costs. So I can understand your position!
Has your partner had convos with the kids about meeting you?
Given the kids won’t stay over at his unit could he get a flatmate in to help with expenses. Aim to get one that is away weekends ie an out of town business person who needs somewhere to stay a few nights pw.
Perhaps leave it another year and review then.

SoporificLettuce · 30/10/2024 19:57

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

For far less than £1000 a month he can take them to an Airbnb if they really can’t stand to be in her house.

Thedreamlife · 30/10/2024 20:06

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 11:58

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

You cannot allow something outside of your relationship effect you both. Do they know it was the mother that was unfaithful 3 years ago.
So he had 12 months of being single!
I say go for it, and get rid of the flat.
If they don't want to visit their father in his marital home, then that's their issue. A few days out will need to be OK.

Wigglywoowho · 30/10/2024 20:20

Make it make sense. He isn't paying £1k a month for a 2 bed flat in London. You can just about get a room in a house where I live, in a very shit area, for that money.

Oh course he's pushing to live with you. No one is more in love than a man looking for a free place to live. He'll significantly reduced his cost, get a maid and sex on tap. What's in it for you? I absolutely wouldn't live with another man ever again if something happened to my H. Fuck that. All the happiest women I know are divorced or widowed.

Willwetalk · 30/10/2024 22:03

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

They can come and stay. What if they never want to visit when OP is present?

CosyLemur · 30/10/2024 22:38

FFS! The kids come first; if they don't want to meet you don't move in with him.
If you love each other enough you'll be fine not living together until his kids are comfortable being around you.