Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a holiday with kids and a separate one just you and him. I am pleased to read he will pay for him and the kids because my first thought when you said he isn’t bothered about taking them away but is now he is with you is he wants to split costs 50/50. I think the compromises you have offered are fair and reasonable. Having kids doesn’t mean everyone else’s wants and needs are parked. Kids do not and should not always come first in every situation. Hope your partner finds a way to find balance and keep you both happy or I think this shows trouble for the future.

Probably missed the point but why don't you just go on your adult only holiday at the same time their Mum takes them away ? Seems the most sensible option and the kids won't be missing out and can still go on a family holiday with you another time?

We take the kids on holiday and then we have a couples holiday. We just got back from ours last week on our own. Nothing wrong with having a family holiday and a couples one and he shouldn’t feel guilty if he already took them away. I dont feel guilty going in my couples holiday when i know i gave my kids a good holiday too.

I would go away with your mates and leave him to his uk holiday.

He only wants you to help baby sit anyway

Absolutely not unreasonable I have 2 stepsons and same as you every other weekend and once in the week, I have 1 child of my own and 1 with the dad of my stepsons, I would definitely want 2 holidays! 1 all together and 1 separately, not only do you need that as a couple they literally aren't missing out on anything either, u deserve time to yourselves without being step mum and just being a couple. Don't feel any sort of guilt

We can afford a holiday every four years, two a year is a lot? Also I would never go without children. It sounds like you resent him having children. You need to decide whether you can get over that, if you cant leave for the sake of the children. You always belong to your children more that a gf, as it should be.

I think it's fair to ask for a holiday alone as he does take the children on holiday but should also work on maintaining a relationship with you . You are also a priority in his life .

How would he cope without you ?

This

So many of these step parent threads always blaming the woman for wanting a life outside her boyfriend's kids and being told she chose a man with kids so she has to accept her life now revolves around another woman's children but no one says this!
Men are accountable too, if us women shouldn't be choosing men with kids or find someone else then men should be staying single if they have kids.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I totally get that children need to come first, but if you are already doing fun things with them, the other house is safe and loving, and you are taking them away each year I don't see the problem with you going away with your BF separately.

In fact, I think it's important that parners have a life that's not 100% about their kids. You won't be parents of small children forever so need some other common ground.

And in your situation, would the DC even know if you and your partner went away without them? So they don't feel left out, could you time the trip for when you don't have them with you?

Maybe a really with a man who has children is not right for you.

As a parent my kids will come first, I've watched family members not take any of their kids abroad EVER and take new girlfriends to the Maldives and tbh I find that gross, however it shouldn't mean you miss out on your holiday, why doesn't he pay for the holiday with the kids and you pay for the holiday for the two of you

@Sparklyflipflop in the future if you have children together would you want to have a couples holiday abroad, especially when the children are young.

I think you have 2 issues here, you don’t have children and you like going on holiday. He has children and is not bothered about holidays. If he liked holidays he might not be so reluctant to go without the children.

Posters saying he only seems to go on holiday with other people and not just him and his kids, with DC of those ages and younger not sure I would want to do that solo, especially if not bothered by holidays

So yes it's reasonable that if he goes abroad with you he should also take his kids abroad. But that could be a family holiday and a couples one.

The fact that he doesn't bother taking them abroad suggests he can't be arsed unless someone else does the booking and is around to help. This would concern me, do you want to be with someone where things only happen if you do the grunt work.

YANBU to want a child free holiday. I want one and I've 5 kids 😅

When you have kids their needs/wishes come first. I think this is the difficulty when one of you has kids and one doesn't.
The only compromise would be two abroad holidays really or none. It is just one of those things when dating someone with kids. On the plus it would be worse if he didn't want to spend time with his kids! And he is right in saying his day will be spent entertaining them. They're very young and will need alot of supervision on holiday (water safety/sunburn etc). For adults it's a stress away not a holiday.

Unfortunately OP children ground you to a certain point, I myself have 3 kids and my partner didn't have any when we started dating.

It can take alot of adjustment and unbelievable patience but being a step parent is not for the faint of heart, the longer you are together the more responsibility you will take on.

Good on your boyfriend for prioritising his children, as if he didn't he would be getting slated by MN.

This is the time for you to really think about how you want your life to play out as his children will always come first.

Clearly His children are very important to him, you have alternatives, suck it up or run.

My DSD is 10 and one year we take her abroad to an all-inclusive type holiday with water slides and partner & I will just do a small city break somewhere just us two, and then the following year we will take DSD away somewhere in the UK like the Lake District for a week which keeps the costs down and my partner & I will go to an adults only holiday abroad somewhere 😂

Nobody around us has ever questioned it and DSD has just as much fun wherever she goes tbh...

But she hasn't said that. She wants to go abroad, and until she's said it he was fine just taking them on a UK holiday.

I'm like your bloke. Couldn't give a monkeys about holidays tbh. You may have more luck if you phrase it as something that's important to you whether he understands it or not, and there will be such future situations for him where he'll get to cash in the IOU.

Alas, if he's only in his twenties (especially the first half of his twenties, where brain development is still incomplete) he might not be mature enough to have ditched the myopia yet. IME it does tend to take men a little longer to realise that it's probably a good idea to make your partner's needs somewhat of a priority if you intend for the relationship to last. I don't envy you, OP. I've been in my relationship for many years, but the years prior to 30 were like pulling teeth. I almost left him many times! 🤣

Op, you’re saying that you’re happy to take the kids and also have a separate holiday just the two of you at another point. You have said that you have the annual leave to do this and that you can both afford it.

so what is everyone’s issue mumsnetters?! Is it cos she’s a ‘stepmother’?

@NothingVenturedAndAllThat

how on earth can you not care about holidays?!

they are the best thing ever!

genuinely curious, can you tell me?

Why don't you suggest he goes on holiday with his kids and you go with a friend. If he refuses ask him why he can't take them.on his own. Seriously I'd be sorting out a holiday for yourself without him this year. Does the Mum.eber take the kids on holiday? If so find out when she's taking them.amd suggest you and boyfriend go the same week to somewhere different.

People saying just go with a friend. My DH is my favourite person and I'd be gutted if he didn't want to go on holiday with me. As nice and going on holiday with a friend would be it's not really the same is it? What if they ever get married? Should she go on honeymoon with a friend after?

It doesn't sound like they're compatible. She likes holidays and he doesn't. He also won't prioritise her needs and it seems like she'll always come second to his kids. He needs to stay single until he can handle having kids and a relationship and OP deserves someone who can give her what she needs and put her first now and again.

Idk. I've always tried to maintain a mentality of fostering a home life I don't wish to escape, which is what holidays felt like to me. An escape. I love adventures, and exploring new places, but I like sleeping in my own bed at the end of the day. I've always found holidays are quite a stressful experience tbh. Especially with children!