Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

I think the thinking is he doesn’t want the children growing up and questioning why we went abroad but they went on holidays to haven/butlins etc - but if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t go abroad with them anyway and I feel like they would honestly enjoy the uk holiday more because it would be completely tailored to them with shows amusements etc

I think this is quite a fundamental incompatibility between you both.

You have a point that abroad isn’t necessarily better. It’s also not necessarily more expensive- have you seen what Butlin’s etc cost these days?

Both in twenties, I have suggested a uk/abroad centerparcs or euro camp (however, trialled camping in the garden with them and was not great 🤣) and we do a beach holiday

Being in a couple isn't just about love, it's also about compatibility. More about the second really. You're not compatible on quite a few very important levels.

Your post is why many people don't want to date someone with DC. Because the DC (rightly) come first. And who the hell wants to play second fiddle in their relationship to DC they're not related to?

Exactly this. Women who have the patience and generosity of spirit to be good stepmothers have my admiration, but I'm self-aware enough to know that woulnd't be me.

Kids don't live in a dolls house ready yo pop out when the wind blows the right way

If he didn't put them first I would not be hanging around

I am wondering if some people like the competition of having step children or whatever you want to call them, it's weird

I had exactly the same situation when I got together with husband nearly 30 years ago. His son was two when we met. We took him on holidays which were obviously very child centred, which was fine. At the time we couldn’t afford more than the one holiday every year so we compromised and took him away with us every other holiday that we went on. It worked well.

Very confused by what this means

This is a weak excuse from him.

If you can both afford it, there's no reason you shouldn't have a holiday without the dc as well as one with dc.

The fact that he doesn't want this with you should tell you that you are low in his priorities.

Stop flogging this dead horse and find a single non-dad who loves going away with you.

I promise life will be miserable playing second best all the time.

You’ve asked In the wrong place OP. You are just going to get a load of replies from non step parents telling you how wicked you are and his children should be treated like Jesus Christ himself.

You deserve time alone as a couple and a holiday for just the two of you isn’t unreasonable to ask for.

Ffs send me to hell it’s just worded badly 🤣 by doesn’t impact my life I just mean I can see friends when they’re here they’ve got their dad, we can go on days out, whatever the choice is mine and I do actually enjoy seeing them

His number one responsibility is to his children. You will ALWAYS come second, and rightly so.

Even when the kids are adults, really?

I'm in a blended family and we often have childfree holidays for this exact reason: holidaying with kids (especially kids that aren't your own) is NOT a holiday.

I think you're being unreasonable.

You are joining a family with dc. You can't expect to holiday like there aren't dc. If you don't want to be in a family with dc, don't move in with a partner who has dc.

maybe not unreasonable, but isn't that strange not to want a holiday with your partner?

YANBU to want to holiday as a couple! I on holiday with my child and DP goes on holiday with his. Then we go on holiday as a couple once a year. We decided that holidays were for the children to spend quality time with with their own mummy or daddy and it works well x

I think expecting a dad to forego a holiday with his children in favour of a holiday with you is a dick move.

He should rightly prioritise his children. You can choose to like that or not, but it's part of the deal when you enter a relationship with a parent.

I got together with a man with kids over 10 years ago and we've always had a child free holiday every year. He takes the kids away on his own (or he used to when they were much younger) and I've been on holidays with them as well.

Couple time is important too. You don't have to give up all your desires just because he has kids.

Do you have friends you could go with if he is unwilling to compromise?

That's not what she's saying though. She wants to have an additional holiday just with him.

He doesn't want to in case it hurts his dc's feelings, which is a weak excuse.

as a mum, I disagree, a decent holiday even with your own kids, IS a holiday. I'd be on holiday 6 months a year if I could afford it 😂

But it's normal to want a child-free holiday as well, completely different ones. It's good for the couple to have some time together, even from your own kids.

Did you miss this part?

"Every year he does a uk holiday with family"

Couple time is important too. You don't have to give up all your desires just because he has kids.

Exactly. Kids won't be around forever

So don't ask in an area where you may get honest answers go somewhere where people will tell you want you want to hear?

Don't date someone with kids if you don't want this sort of thing. This is what being a dad is and it would be awful to go on holiday and not take the kids. This is what being a step parent is I'm afraid