Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

Yikes.

As a child who grew up with a step mum, it’s important if you’re serious about this man, to make an effort with his children. Forging bonds at a young age is so important and will get you through the teenage years for sure!
You need time for yourselves as all parents do, so reading your posts, you may have to be the one booking the beach holiday for two and just telling him when and where.
During the school holidays between his one night a week when he doesn’t have them over the weekend, kids will be non the wiser and you get time together.
Hope you get your holiday 🏖️

YANBU at all!
However he is not being unreasonable either.Maybe you can find a compromise?Perhaps to have a UK holiday with the kids and a more relaxing holiday abroad only the two of you?
At those ages the children don't fully understand the concept of holidays abroad and they don't really mind as long as it is fun and spend some time together.

You’re not being unreasonable . If they have a holiday anyway then there is no reason you shouldn’t also have a holiday . My son’s dad takes him on holiday most years ( UK ) . We don’t regularly go on holiday for financial reasons ( we’ve had an unsettled few years with career changes and incidents beyond our control that have heavily impacted our finances … I’m a teacher so can only go in the holidays and between me and my husband we have 4 children so it’s costly ) but , my sons dad goes on a holiday abroad every year with his partner and no children . Doesn’t bother me in the slightest , he has taken our child on more holidays than I have and it’s a lot cheaper for him and his wife to go away term time than it would be to take out child abroad in the holidays . I don’t begrudge that at all!

But , it could be that he would have disapproval from his ex or his children would feel left out so I think you have to really go with how he feels on this . My husband’s children are older and he would love for me and him to go abroad on our own but I won’t do that because I have not taken my own children abroad in many years , I would feel so much guilt that I wouldn’t enjoy it and I think if he pushed it I would begrudge him.

Don’t listen to the “he’s a dad and that’s his priority brigade” as you said if he was on his own he wouldn’t take the children, so why does he want to take them just because you are going?, because it would be easier?

You are perfectly allowed to want a holiday alone, you don’t have to be Mother bloody Teresa, tell him if you take the kids this time you want a guarantee that you will have a holiday alone as well, and also ask why he wants to take them when it would be a billion times more relaxing without them 🤣

YANBU at all for wanting a break away as a couple. You knew he had kids and he knew you didn’t. Compromise doesn’t mean you doing what he wants, at cost and inconvenience to you, while you never get what you want.

Quite. If a man wants a relationship with a new partner, he has to put her first occasionally

Take the kids out of the picture - he has time and money, why doesn’t he want to spend time on holiday with you?

When you go on holiday with kids its not a holiday. Its exhausting travel , seeing the world. Exciting but tiring. Just put aside a couple of days when you get home to ' recover' . Going on holiday with a partner ,( alone) is challenging , it could lead to tension. Maybe hes worried you will argue.

I saw somewhere you said mum takes them away in term time. I would look up the new rules for term time holidays as dad could get fined and the prices have gone up.

these kids are going to get bigger and potentially sulky teenagers. Are you on board for that. What if they choose to spend more time at dad’s house. Can you go away when he has the kids and let him parent alone as he’s not really parenting when he does all the fun stuff rather than the boring weekly stuff.

I think within your context you are a bit unreasonable.

from reading your replies you don’t get that he’s awkward about going abroad whilst he takes his kids in the UK. He wants to spend that money on his kids or bring them with and I get that. You say you could afford two holidays. But that doesn’t mean that this is an important thing for him to spend his money on either.

deep down you don’t get it, but they’re not your kids, and it sounds like you don’t think like a parent, you think like a 20 something woman. That’s fine. But I’m not sure this relationship is you if you can’t accept it.

It doesn’t say anywhere money isn’t an issue. They say they can afford it. But the dad may be thinking he’d like to save some money for a rainy day… this is more important when you’ve two kids isn’t it?

I could afford to go out and buy a brand new top of the range car tomorrow. But I’ve two kids and that isn’t something I can justify because I have more important things to consider, I wonder whether this is similar

You need to look at your compatibility. These are not small things and you may become resentful. Before settling down you both need to discuss things like, having children (who’ll look after them), money, religion, where you’ll live, political views, hobbies, interests, hopes and dreams, what you’re prepared to overlook about a partner versus what’s important. Literally everything so you won’t face disappointment and arguments, if you can’t do that, your relationship is doomed. If we can’t be transparent with our life partner, there is no hope for the relationship.

@Rileysp

well if he wants to squirrel his money away for a rainy day he might just be doing it single ! 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think it’s like that. Just as a parent you’re going to think differently and prioritise different things.

im not saying this scenario is true. All I’m saying is there’s a big difference being able to afford it, and being able to justify doing it.

If you only have the kids every other weekend, why not go away for 6 days, leaving the day after/day of your midweek visit and returning day of/day before (depends on what time you actually have them from and till). This is how my now husband and I worked it

Sorry OP, but if you’re in a relationship with someone who has children then the children become a part of your life. All of your life, including your holidays. Of course DP is going to want to take them, they’re his children. If this isn’t ok with you, I am wondering why you have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who has children?

OP has said she has no problem going on holiday with the kids but she'd also like a holiday just the two of them when the kids are at their mum's. They have the annual leave and the fund to do both holidays but her OH isn't keen to go just as a couple.

The children are only there part time. Are their lives meant to be on hold the rest of the time.
i know plenty of adults who go on holiday with their children and also without their children sometimes.

Goodness he sees his children so little. I can understand why he wants to holiday with them as much as he can.

You’re not wrong to want alone time either. Im not sure this can work.

Because he wants to spend as much of his holiday time and budget holidaying with his children. If he has more leave and more holiday money, he wants to share it with his kids rather than go away without them.

whether OP accepts that is between the two of them. They just need to find a way to reconcile having different priorities.

Me and my partner both have children. We take them on holiday and then recently when they had their week at their mums we had a couples holiday and mine had a Great time with grandparents nothing wrong with having a couples holiday just because you have kids he just needs to get over this issue of you cant leave your kids of course you can its only a holiday.

I went away with my bf this year for his big birthday. That meant I couldn't afford to take my children away for the first year ever.
Next year without doubt I will be prioritising taking my children away. I can't afford both.
If he can only afford one holiday it needs to be with his children. If he can afford 2 then fair enough.
Why don't you go on one with him and his kids and one with friends? Or book him a night away somewhere nice for his birthday/ Christmas but really it's for you.

Not being unreasonable at all. You need those times alone to bond and enhance the relationship. One of many negatives of being with someone who has a kid is that you never experience a relationship child free...so those holidays/weekends are important. Im in a different predicament now where I want to go on holiday just us and our kids (we've already been to Spain with SD and she goes away with her Mum/school etc) and he wont do it. Life always revolves around the SC in these set ups unfortunately.

We used to go away for weekends just us all the time pre our kids...