Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

I think a holiday with the kids and a holiday just you two is perfectly reasonable. In fact why not go for a holiday with your friends as well as the two of you rather than with his kids? My husband took his kids away for a week on his own a few times (they were a bit older).

As a parent, his children should be his priority over someone he has been in a relationship with for a short time. I’d think negatively of him if they weren’t.

If you (understandably) want a relationship where you can have holidays as a couple and to not be lower down the pecking order, you need to find someone else and accept someone who is a father already isn’t who you are looking for.

Your Op is focused very much on going abroad but for him this could also be about how he uses his annual leave (whether he stays in UK or goes abroad). Most people only get 25-30 days annual leave. Particularly when my children were little, I would not have considered a week away without them.

There is also the factor of childcare over school holidays which you don’t mention but can be a real pain and he may not feel able to make worse by using annual leave taking holidays at a different time which leaves him less days to cover school holiday periods.

It's not honesty when there's a clear bias against step-mums. And I'm not even a step-mum.

Annual leave isn’t an issue in this case

I'd bin this one OP. He doesn't want a proper relationship - just an ego boost and a shag, possibly a nanny too.

Not if you’re not bothered about holidays.

Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean people
are obliged to do foreign holidays

If you want a beach holiday, you could say yes to bringing kids but he is 100% in charge of child care. You will be doing sunbathing etc when he is sorting out nap time doing their sun cream etc, you might even
Book yourself on a little excursion etc. this is the experience my friend who is coming on holiday with me and my toddler is going to have. All the child's care is in me as it's my child.
Will he still want to go? Will he enjoy it? He might agree to child free trips in future. You can also plan a relaxing holiday with a child free girlfriend instead I'm sure he'd get v jealous and want to join you on a trip like that next time

OP - I'm not a step parent but for what it's worth, you are not wrong.

Yes, his children should come first.
My children come first, always. Doesn't mean that I don't want to go away with just their dad from time to time.

There's absolutely no reason for you not to go away together - money isn't an issue, annual leave isn't an issue, and it's not at the expense of him having a holiday with his children.

I think you've got two mis matches here.
Your BF has Kids - you dont
You BF isn't fussed about holidays abroad - you clearly enjoy a holiday.

Neither of you are wrong really. It's right that if your BF is only prepared to have one holiday - that he wants that holiday to be with his family - i.e. you and his children..

So I think you need to think about what the compromises are with this relationship. Its likely the two of you will never see the same priority in terms of getting away on holiday.... and also his children will always be part of BOTH of your lives - even if you think they don't interfere with your life now.

There will ALWAYs be compromises to make with regards his children. As they grow up things will change - maybe at some point they might want to live with their Dad full time?? Have you thought about that possibility - may not seem likely now - but in the blink of an eye they will be grumpy teenagers. And who knows what challenges may come along in the meantime...

You have to accept that your BF comes as part of a package.

Can't edit but wanted to add - could you go away with a friend? No reason for you to miss out just because it's not his thing

I disagree. Of course his children are very important, and should holiday with him or with you both. But asking for 1 week a year just the two of you is 100% fair and right.

Completely baffled why anyone in their 20s would want to date a man with toddlers. If you want to live a young, carefree child-free life then it's very easy to do so.

I also think a man who takes his girlfriend on holiday abroad but doesn't take his children is a shit dad so the fact he is hesitating reflects well on him.

Do you feel the same about biological parents having a break away together?

Sounds like he has been very clear.
He’s not interested in going abroad.
If he does go, he wants it to be with his kids too.
At least there’s no mixed messages or false promises!

I’m remarried, my first husband is remarried, all 4 adults have their own kids and no joint within the second marriages. We have all variations of holidays over the years - with and without children, one parent with child but not second spouse… everyone happy.

I would be equally clear back - you expect some adult only holiday with him, abroad, every year. Then, I wouldn’t compromise - it’s not a small thing to give up. You might feel you can give up on abroad holiday with him if you have U.K. based break alone with him and holidaying abroad solo / with friends. But only if that actually makes you happy.

The problem is, you may be able to afford 2 holidays now, but that can change. You also have the problem that regardless of the kids, you don’t want the same type of holiday anyway. So even if he agrees now, you may find he worms his way out later, or simply makes it miserable because he’s bored.

For me personally, it’s not only about affording 2 holidays - it’s about having en out the annual leave. I get 25 days. I’m not spending 20% of them sitting on a sun lounger next to my husband doing fuck all for a week - whether I can afford to or not!

So I think you need to work out what you want as clearly as he has - and if neither of you get it, or can find a genuine compromise - I’d split up.

Not all dad's are shit partners though. Some can prioritise both their kids and their partner. I've never felt like I come second to my stepkids and we have one 100% and one 50% of the time.

It's compromise. We always had a family holiday but we always had time away together.
When there's other people's children involved, you absolutely need that down time as a couple

Why don't you book both at the same time so he can't bail out? But also, if you're having to talk him into holidays abroad because it's not his thing maybe you're not really compatible. I'd hate to be super excited about a holiday and my DH not be. Or be the one always left to do the organising because he's not that fussed.

I agree. Abroad holidays are their ages is a bit of waste. We took my DSD to Bluestone in Wales last year and when we went to book Spain for this year she said she wanted to go back to Wales. Kids don't care what country they're in. They're more interested in doing fun activities and spending time with their family.

DSD is now super excited about Spain but would have been just as happy with Wales or a Centre Parcs.

So it basically just sounds like he doesn't want his DC to grow up and feel they missed out. It isn't the missing out itself he minds (otherwise he'd take them himself regardless of you or anyone else) but the fact that they might feel left out. They might feel that he could have taken them and did value the experience for himself (as you both went) but he didn't? What if you went for a long weekend so you didn't miss his usual week day overnight with them and didn't tell them?

So, basically taking them on an abroad holiday each year may not even help that because they could still know about your adults holiday and get a bit older and say "why didn't we get 2 abroad holidays a year, Daddy like you and Sparklyflipflop did? We didn't get to go to Morocco and you and Sparklyflipflop went...".

I think you can either decide that holidays with your partner (child free) are an integral part of a relationship for you and this is a dealbreaker (perfectly OK) or that you are happy with a child friendly holiday once a year (whether centre parks or abroad) and then solo or friend trips outside of that. It'd be interesting to see, if you went on a lovely week alone in the sun how he would feel about missing out on that.

No it's not. OP has said that they can afford a kids holiday and a kid free holiday but her DP isn't that interested in a kid free holiday.

She's happy to accept a holiday with the kids but he's not bothered about having a couple holiday. Why should she be stuck only doing kids holidays?

I'm a stepmum and we do both holidays with the kid and holidays/trips on our own. It's one of the benefits of only having the kids 50%.

He's bothered enough that he wants to go abroad with his kids.

exactly

Why is it ok for a husband and wife to go away ALONE (like I do), but not for a new partner?

Does it mean my DH is a shit dad and I am a shit mum? 😂

Because a step-mum / new partner must always expect less and get less than a biological mum.

are you being sarcastic?