Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

It is extremely important for kids to see parents enjoying a healthy, happy relationship and as adults who have a life outside of being mum and dad. Or stepmum and dad in your case. Me and OH have always prioritised a holiday together with no children. It is time that we can focus on ourselves, each other and it is so important to maintain a healthy dynamic. We are lucky enough to be able to do this. As are you practically. I wouldn't choose to be with a man who didn't value our relationship in the same way as me.
If holidays are important to you and not to him then either go alone or with friends or don't go at all. He won't change his view on this. His children have nothing to do with it as he isn't fussed about taking them abroad, if he was, he would have done. The issue is he isn't fussed about holidaying with YOU alone. Wouldn't be for me.

Hi OP,

I saw that you are only in your 20s.
Please please dump this boyfriend.
Don’t saddle yourself with someone else’s children so young, they will always be involved in your life.

You will regret it!
Start afresh and make a family of your own.

OP, you need to understand that kids on a holiday will completely take over your holiday. DH and I sometimes find it challenging (and they’re our shared kids together)! With kids that age, it’s going to be nothing like the holidays you’ve had as a couple…early mornings, sibling fights, trying to keep them slathered in suncream, not being interested in museums, early dinners, possible family room accommodation (= no sex, early bedtimes), not sitting with your OH on the flight—little ones usually sit with a grownup, etc, etc. You may actually be in need of a holiday yourself after a family beach holiday, so think long and hard before you commit. Especially since you’re not biologically wired to love these two little people unconditionally.

So before his kid was 2 their dad had left their mum and got with someone else? Awful.

The children should be the priority and you should find someone more suited to you.

It does need to be carefully handled and balanced though @Illpickthatup and @NoIdidntseethiscoming which I'm sure yours is.

I can tell you about it from the pov of children though when it isn't handled well.

My two teenage girls are very well aware that their holiday with dad is an air bnb in Devon, whilst he goes on multiple 7star long haul trips with new girlfriend.

This isn't very nice for them. As a result, they have grown up with the knowledge that very first male role model they have in their life, their dad, has not put them first. I am working my arse off to make sure they don't end up like so many women on here, so eager to please men in an effort to be their favourite.

I know this is projecting and mine are teenagers, but I do think that a good man and a good dad, especially one who only sees his kids 10% of the time, should do his damndest to make sure his children know they're not second fiddle.

Or, the children's mother decided she didn't want to be with their father and asked him to leave, and then after a while met someone else? 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. We took DSD to a Centre Parcs type place last year and the entire holiday revolved around kids activities, obviously. We went knowing that's exactly what it would be about. We got a couple of hours on our own at night to chill after she went to bed but it was basically a glass of wine in front of the TV or a game of cards. During the day it was hours at the water park, sand pits, bike rides etc. nothing relaxing about it but she had a blast. I loved that she had a blast but I was definitely craving a week on the beach without being buried in the sand or being a little persons snack dealer.

We're going abroad this year and my parents are going along with my sister and her friend. Without even asking both my parents and my sister have offered to take DSD for a night or two so we can get some time together. I don't like drinking around DSD so it will be nice to have a night out with DH where I can actually relax and enjoy myself. We also have plans to "pop to the shops" in the afternoon while DSD is with my parents by the pool. Haha!

Run for the hills. You’re in your twenties. Don’t go on holiday with a 6 and 4 year old if you don’t have to, this is the tip of the iceberg. Next summer you’ll be asked to have them while their mum is on a hen do and your boyfriend goes away with pals. Get out while you can.

Wont go into details but the actual situation of what happened makes this laughable

You have no idea why they split up so why are you jumping to the conclusion that OPs DP is the asshole here?

My DH left his ex when DSD was 2 because she headbutted him and bit him in the face in front of DSD. Not all mums are innocent angels and not all dad's are deadbeats.

Perhaps he was asked to leave. Should he have refused?

I don't really get this attitude from him. My DP has older children and he never refused to do anything unless they came too. We have always holidayed both with them and alone.

I don't see the issue at all if you can afford to do both, and I agree with PP that just because he doesn't see the need and isn't too bothered doesn't mean he should just ignore what you want.

Yes of course there's a balance. My DSD is only 6 at the moment so as long as there's a swimming pool and a park she doesn't care where it is. We did a UK holiday last year, this year we're going abroad. We're also planning a trip to Disney next year which will probably cost more than any 7 star adult holiday we'll ever go on.

Maybe I wasn't clear in my post so I've reworded.

I also think a man who takes his girlfriend on holiday abroad but doesn't take his children (from a previous relationship) on holiday aboard is a shit dad...

Regarding biological parents - that's false equivalence. Planning holidays as a family who all live together is completely different to planning holidays as a separated dad. Your kids have limited time with you, they don't live with you, they spend less time in your company, they miss you and they are likely to feel anxious and insecure so the planning of holidays and times together is really important. Completely different to children who have their 2 parents living together all the time.

But yeah, if you go on holiday as a couple abroad but your kids get a wet campsite in Wales, I would call that pretty shit. And I love Wales. And camping. And I went on plenty of couples holidays without kids and I also travelled for work overseas when my kids were young.

The idea that a 4 year old and a 6 year old won't know or notice the difference between a foreign holiday and a UK one is naive to say the least.

That's fab @Illpickthatup , it'll get increasingly important for her but sounds like the two of you have it sussed.

I completely understand this. I was in your position, we now have DS together. I love holiday's but our last holiday together was hell. It was honestly the worse holiday I've ever been on.

Financially, how viable are these holidays? Could you afford to alternative holidays so one year you go abroad as a couple and then UK as a family then the next year you go abroad as a family and UK as a couple.

Life as a blended family is complicated. A lot of people overlook how we feel and think we need to simply suck it up but I completely disagree.

Also who will be paying for this? Will you be paying 1/4 and your OH paying 3/4?

@FKAT and yet, fir the health of the relationship between the OP and her DP, it’s still ok for them to have some time away in their own and wo children.

Parents dint have to give up ALL their life just because they are divorced.

And yes as some PP have mentioned, it needs to be carefully balanced. And you need to be sure that the dcs don’t feel pushed away/not a priority.
But one hols in the year on their own when the dcs also have a hol with their parent is ok imo.

@FKAT oh well, I'll wear that 'shit' label proudly.

We're doing a uk staycation as a family this year for a change (1 long, 3 short breaks)

Then, as a couple, we are doing a long weekend in Italy.

I can't even begin to express the level of excitement my children showed when told about our long uk break....we haven't even done it yet and they've already asked if we can do that kind of holiday every year.

They are both slightly older than the OPs stepchildren.

A holiday is a holiday - unless OP wanted to go to Disneyworld with the kids, in which case I'd think you had a point.

We take all the kids or none of the kids.

but as you don’t have kids OP i suggest you run far far away and don’t get involved because being a stepmother is ONLY something I’ve done because I already have kids. I’d never do it again. Save yourself!

I often go abroad with my DH and our DS without step children. The reason is the majority of the time, I'm paying for it.

Are you saying my DH shouldn't come on holiday with us because he can't afford for his other children to come or maybe am I expected to pay for his other children to come?

There are so many different situations that your attitude is laughable. Nothing is black and white.

Well maybe they can tell the difference when you paint UK holidays as "a wet campsite in Wales" rather than "over a grand for a huge lodge in July with sunshine, waterparks, bowling, softplay and giant sandpits".

We literally had to convince my DSD Spain would be just as good if not better than Wales. Even after showing her photos of the beach and the hotels huge swimming pool she was still saying she wanted to go to Wales again.

She's absolutely buzzing about Spain now and I know she'll love it but I also know she would have been over the moon if we were going to Wales again.

Someone will be along any minute to tell you to cough up the cash, despite the step kids already having 2 parents.

In the same breath would you never go away with your partner to have a trip just the two of you? It’s healthy to maintain the relationship.

am I expected to pay for his other children to come?

This is Mumsnet. The answer will be yes. Infact on a thread the other day the OP was told to leave her and her DH's children at home and just take the stepkids. The DH wasn't even going! I wish I was making this up. Its bonkers on here regarding what is expected of Stepmums.

💯 this!!